day ?????: reality

It's been a while and forgive me if I no longer pour out my heart and soul. Things have changed (slightly) and the less people know about the private me, the better. I think

I struggle with my new life. I found my passion a few years back and I did my darnest to make something out of it. And so I did to an extent. My new found "fame" (if you will) hasn't really done me a heck of a lot. There isn't the flooded inbox of requests or the inpouring of phone calls. I still work at monkeyco. I still haven't found the cajones to walk out and go out on my own.

What I struggle with, isn't so much that I'm not drowning in new business. Its more that I struggle with not telling people about what I do and I can't actively promote what I do without sounding like a complete undedicated traitor. Its like a split personality - a Jekyll and Hyde situation. One can't talk about the other, and part of my life can't really know about the other. I've spent so many years of my life living on the sidelines, it's hard to push myself and promote myself like so many others do. I've tried to fb, twitter and the like, but it all feels fake. I feel like a fraud pretending to be someone else.

day 12476: screwed up...

damn. sads. bad at this. but now i know what not to do next time.

day 12472: how?

It took me years to figure out what I truly want out of my life. And now that I finally know, regardless of how much I try to make it happen and how badly I want it, it's still up to the gods of fate to grant me the wish of a lifetime. Wanting something badly is not enough when you have no way to make it a reality.

day 12455: on dating

I'm old. They're old. We're all too old to play games.

I hate games.

I hate uncertainty.

day ?????: the annual pre-birthday roundup

It's been a while, my friends... it's been a while since the voices inside my head demanded to be heard. Ok, there aren't any actual voices in my head, but still what can I say?

In typical Schmassion fashion, come birthday time every year I start thinking about where I've been, where I'm going and what the heck I want to be when I grow up. This year has been one big adventure and I only hope that some of the adventures that I've had can be repeated in years to come. It's been a humbling experience with a steep, steep learning curve and I only thank the great beyond that I've come out relatively unscarred.

It's been a year of decisions and a year of changes - even if just small things like my outlook on life and the mindset with which I approach things. I'm no longer stuck in my ways and look at people and things for the possibilities that they hold. I'm hopeful for the future... no longer bitter about the past. It's about time, eh?

So, to recap:
- minor fame, even more minor fortune
- happy, sappy
- busy, busy
- made time to date
- opened up possibilities to who I date
- made time not to date and to take care of myself
- accepted the world for what it is
- accepted monkeyco for the money it gives
- learned to accept people for who they are and not who they were

What's to come for year 34, no one knows, but I'm really hoping French Laundry has a cancellation come Christmas/New Year's and that the Sista's little wee one-to-come emerges healthy and hearty. Oh, and a little more fame and a little more fortune for me wouldn't hurt either.

Cheers to me. almost 34. that's old. fuck.

it's october. in 2 weeks, i head out to one of the craziest things that will ever happen to me in my life. already offshoots are starting to happen and i'm not prepared for this. i'm just a simple girl with simple desires who likes simple things.

adios reality.