day 10485: and as if i wasn’t already the world’s busiest person…

I think I’m going to start playing flag football starting September.

That means my life will be hectic, crazy insane and I’ll never have time to breath, let alone find another boy… which is good because I’ve decided that most boys are scum and the ones that aren’t are under the age of 6…

Monday, Wednesday… climbing
Tuesday… Ultimate or Multi-sport
Thursday… football
Friday, Saturday, Sunday… drinking, snowboarding or hockey…

Ahhh… this is the life… and the life is good.

day 10483: river sharks

Imagine this. The mighty Ottawa River… the river of the Voyageurs… class 4 white water rapids… people being pitched left, right and center out of their rafts… kayaks going in for the surf, flipping out… carnage everywhere… and all of a sudden, all you hear is your river guide yelling…

“SWIM FOR IT! KICK HARD! WATCH OUT FOR THE ROCK!”

It’s just you, and a glorified flutter board, and out of some weird crazy inability to say no, you decided to swim the Ottawa River. All 15km of it… twice…

Wicked fun.

day 10478: still kicking around…

”All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that’s a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I'll write a real post soon... too many issues at the moment... oy...

day 10474: thank goodness for ego boosts

ego boost #1: old grandfatherly type tried to introduce me to his twelve year old grandson as I was passing them in the street... ok, maybe not so much an ego boost, but it was s hilariously strange situation.

ego boost #2: I got carded at a club last night. I haven't been carded in a while. I know I look young, but 10 years younger? Give me a break...

day 10472: dear liver... i am soooo sorry...

But no matter how much you're hurting, just be thankful that you're not my heart. Because at this moment, it's experiencing pain like nothing else I've ever felt before. I never want to feel this way again. I wouldn't want to wish it on anyone... not even my worse enemy.

Betrayal hurts.

day 10469: lost and found

... flying high... 

day 10466: hopping in the car and just driving until we know when to stop

I love random driving trips. This year I'll have Posie for company... I can't wait. It'll be a blast. New Brunswick or Boston... we won't know where we're going until we get there.

Pix from last year's trip. I still have no idea where I went. Only that I found my way there somehow and somehow found my way home.


... the best things about random driving trips is that you never know where you'll end up ... 

day 10465: are you as confused as i am?

BMW: Hmmm, well he'll know for sure you're interested...

J: Yeah... not sure about that... but I think he kinda figured it out
yesterday when we were making out on the couch.

BMW: I figure you're right...

day 10464: drive david drive!!!!!!

It all began with a plan.

“Ok, J, you get the to-go cups from the top cabinet and then run for the vodka. You know where it is. Mar, you get the ice from the freezer and cut some limes. I’ll go to the bathroom and then we’ll switch… J, you pour the drinks and make ‘em strong… READY??? GO!! GO!! GO!!! HUSSLE!!! HUSSLE!!! HUSSLE!!!!!!!!”

Within minutes, we had jumped out the car, raced up to the fifteenth floor, changed, made drinks, cries of “You’re out of vodka” and “I have another 60 in the closet!” and were on our way. We were late for softball. As usual.

“Ok, this time, Mar, you go grab your shoes, CC and I will grab more ice and refill the bottles… READY??? GO!! GO!! GO!!! HUSSLE!!! HUSSLE!!! HUSSLE!!!!!!!!”

We raced back to the car, ziplock bag full of ice cubes and Stoli in hand. Thirteen minutes left to make it to the game on time. Waved and smiled prettily to the cops driving next to us, hid the to-go cup… lucky that Dave was driving… it’s nice not being dd all the time.

We get to the field, horns a blazing, gloves in hand, all ready to go. Did I mention that we had been drinking since 2:30pm because of monkeyco. I love work sometimes.

Trash talk the opposing team… why do they hate us so? Why are they throwing their bats against the fence and WHY ARE WE GIGGLING LIKE SCHOOL GIRLS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR BASEBALL GAME?

“Run, Mar, run! Whoo hooo!!! Nice hit Rocker Boy!! If you hit him home, I’ll kiss ya!!!”

WE WON! WE WON! WE WON!!! FCUK YEAH!!! We just beat the first place team!

We rock… now let’s go celebrate some more… and then some. Softball rocks.

day 10462: two days later my ears are still ringing

My life is a soap opera. Or so says the co-worker chick that called me (of all people!) high maintenance a couple of weeks ago. There’s always drama, always something unfolding… love, hate, death, dismemberment (just joking about the dismemberment part)… blah blah blah…

Sure, it may seem glorious and glamorous that I was checking out Rocker Boy’s band on Friday, dancing on the tables wearing a short short kilt, stripping in the bar so that I didn’t have to miss anything… but it’s not really. Even though I had an AMAZING time, and even though it was my first experience being *sigh* a GROUPIE, and even though *sigh* a member of the band POINTED AT ME during a song *swoon* and KISSED me (on the CHEEK… don’t get excited)… I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore.

As much as I hate to say it, I think I’m starting to feel old. I feel as if the whole-drinking-excessively-while-clubbing and doing the shimmy-half-naked-on-the-bar-thing is no longer a good thing. Or that Saturday morning hangovers are a bad thing, and that trying for a repeat performance on Saturday night and failing at it miserably is an even worse thing… what’s happening to me? What’s wrong with me?

Someone help me! I’m not ready to grow up yet… I just wanna be a Toys ‘R Us kid…

day 10461: the meaning of life…

How well you learned to love…
How well you learned to live…
How well you learned to let go…

I've loved...
I've lived...
I’m just learning to let go.

day 10459: she said hummer and i couldn't stop giggling...

Geez... sometimes I have the mentality of a 12 year old. Except that I was 27 when I found out what a hummer was.

heehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe... :D

day 10457: proof i really do need my ears checked out

Standing at the street corner waiting for the lights to change… lost in thought as usual…

What he said:
Homeless man: …spare change?

My response… what I thought I said:
J: Sorry. I don’t have any.

What I guess I heard him say:
Homeless man: …spare sex?

My response… apparently what I actually said:
J: Sorry. I’m not getting any.

day 10456: i missed my sweetie-poo

... the real love of my life who is at the moment completely passed out on my bed after having watched my softball team's yet another humiliating defeat ... oy ... 

day 10454: two degrees of separation (aka when worlds collide again)

Last night at Shallow Groove, while helping Lenny celebrate his last twenty-something birthday, I got to talking with a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who I had just met. Conversation flowed well. No wierd awkward pauses or silences. It was nice just chatting and getting to know someone new.

We flitted from topic to topic, did the usual "what kind of things are you into," "what do you do," and eventually settled on talking about six-degrees of separation experiences. I told him about Rocker Boy and how he used to be elementary school best friends with one of my oldest friends. He told me how he knew BettyG from school and met her again on one of the D&C ski trips and wow, wasn't it strange that she was here celebrating Lenny's last twenty-something birthday as well.

Changed topic... work... ugh... who wants to talk about monkeyco?

Consultant, he said when it was his turn to talk... near Blue Jays Way and Wellingtong. *click* *click*... the gears in my head are turning.

"Wait a second... do you know RAVI?"

"Oh yeah... I work with him. How two degrees is that?"

day 10451: treat me like the princess i was born to be

Tempted…

So very tempted…

So very, very tempted…

… to write one of those long, blasting rants going on and on about every little shortcoming, failure, and regret of my past and post it for the world to see. But I can’t. I can’t because there is always someone else involved, and there is always another’s feelings and emotions to consider.

And as much as I try, I can’t bring myself to be selfish.

Which is why… after much thought and much deliberation, a Rebound Boy would just not work. I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want to be hurt by anyone. It takes two, and one always loses.

But, if things should happen and should someone decide that he wants to woo me… well… who am I to say no. I’ll go with the flow and let the cards fall where they may.

In the meantime…

day 10449: dear brain

I’m sorry, BRAIN, but WTF? Why the heck am I sitting here thinking about dumb OLD Triscuit and the things that I’m never going to be sharing with him again? Do I care that I will never again crawl around on my hands and knees patching holes in the silly ice rink that we never really even played on? Do I care that he really used me for slave labour (i.e. digging out FENCE POSTS) and tried to make jokes about how we were doing things “together”? GIMME A BREAK! I should be working, or in the least pretending to be accomplishing something for which I am paid for. I should be thinking about other boys and trying to figure out a way to get over this mess.

But no. You’ve betrayed me, BRAIN. You keep letting him creep into my thoughts, destroying my hard won sanity. You fill my mind with what-ifs and why-nots and we’re-only-human-too, but I’m smarter than that…

IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

Do you hear me?

WE DON’T NEED HIM.

Enuff said. Now get back to work, BRAIN, before I trade you in for a newer and shinier model. We don't need to play his games again. We did very well without him for so long. We can do without him again.

day 10448: letting go of the past and looking into the future

"one tear drop floating down the river..." 

day 10445: i love you, but i don’t need you…

It’s done. Over. Finito.

I tried my best to love for two, but it wasn’t enough. In the end, I put my heart and soul into trying to make things work. I would have crawled to the moon and back for him if he had but asked. He would have done the same for me.

But he doesn’t love me. Correction. He loves me, but he’s not in love with me. There’s something missing, he said… spontaneity… passion even… “IT.” And without “IT” there can be no “us.” He’d be settling, and even though he doesn’t want more, he wants more. And to be honest, I can’t fault him for it. After all, life is about passion, and the search for passion…

Yes he was shallow; the reason he broke up with me was incredibly shallow. And yes, at times he was inconsiderate, disrespectful, unappreciative and egotistical, but he is, above all, human. I can’t fault him for being human. Only he can decide what the course of his life is going to be. Only he can decide what he wants from life… and he’s decided that, at the present, I’m just not it.

We agreed that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him… and that will probably ever happen to him. We’ve discussed it time and time again. He knows he’s probably making one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but he’s willing to accept the consequences so that he can live only in the moment… no thoughts of tomorrow, no contemplation of the future.

His mother and grandmother are going to kill him. They love me.

People live, people learn, people recover and move on. I have no regrets. I loved, I lived. I’ve become a better person during the two years that we were together. I’ve grown, matured, and experienced so much more in my last two years than all the 26 before. And I like who I am. Sure, there are things to work on, but I like myself, and that’s really the important part.

Triscuit (aka Screwball, Sweetie Bum-bums, JLH), I love you with all my heart. There will always be a part of me that will never stop loving you. I only hope that I can find someone else to love just as much… because I’d hate to think that the love of my life chooses not to be with me because he refuses to grow up.

So help me God… there is no looking back this time. My heart cannot take another stomping.

day 10443: the difference between boys and girls…

Triscuit: Almost done. Just another couple of little leaks left to fix.
J: HAHAHA… I know it’s mean to laugh, but I just can’t help it… mfffft… why don’t you just call a plumber?
T: I did this morning… they can’t come until next week.
J: hee hee…
T: I don’t know what happened. I KNOW how to solder. I used to do it all the time when I worked for the plumber.
J: Yes, but that was how long ago? Fifty years ago? Hee hee…
T: HEY!
J: CC and I were talking about this today… if it had been us, it would have been done weeks ago.
T: Yeah, cuz you would have gotten me to do it.
J: Hell NO! I’d call someone who KNEW what they were doing.
T: I know what I’m doing… Do you know how much that would have cost?
J: Does it matter? It’ll be done and I wouldn’t have to worry about my house flooding.
T: $50/hr a couple hours… we’re looking at $100+ here!
J: How much have you spent on supplies?
T: $25-50… I don’t know
J: And you’ve spent how many nights doing it? Call a plumber. They provide the supplies and they’re done in two hours… you could have spent the past couple of nights doing something else…
T: Yeah, whatever… like what?
J: Like me!
T: Good point.