Thursday, September 17

day 11973: not as cool as you think i am

I’ve lost my cool.

This assumes that I actually was cool once upon a time which is infinitely preferable over never having been cool in the first place.

Little by little, my cool snuck away. All that remains is a not-so-cool girl (am I too old to call myself a girl?) who is trying desperately to cling on to some semblance of coolness. Mission impossible. I really should give up.

First to go was the clothes. Fashion trends were for kids. Black and white scarves in the middle of summer were for idiot tweens who don’t sweat in humidity. Anyway, in declining economic times, there isn’t enough money for a new wardrobe if I can’t find a sugardaddy… one must divert anything and everything to the truly important causes… food and housing. Since the ankle sprain, I’ve been wearing sneakers a lot instead of my flip flops. This morning I realized that wearing them with my business clothes makes me look like Ellen. No wonder I can’t get a second date.

Next to go was the coordination. I fall down a lot. Walk into walls, trip over rocks, sprained ankles, broken toes and torn ass cheeks… that’s classic me. What can I say? Even the homeless guys have started avoiding me when I walk down the street. This morning I took a header in my condo lobby and landed ass up in front of a gaggle of hot banker guys. It wasn’t even a graceful “oops I tripped”… it was a full on splat. What a way to make an impression.

And then there was the last straw… away went the driving skills (which actually scares me the most because I frickin love to drive). I suppose I’ve been walking too much and driving too little in recent months. I’ve started cursing like an asian mother when the idiots on the road ignore my signal light and won’t let me into their lanes. Ai-ya. Ai-ya. Twice in the same day I found myself driving around in circles around loading docks because I entered some do-not-enter areas. Might as well put on the welder’s mask, have both hands on the wheel and leave a signal light blinking… oh wait… I already do…

… except for the welder’s mask… that’s so not cool.