Monday, February 25

day 11403: please, please don't out me

Here's the thing. I'm trying to get my cake business going, and I really don't want to have a crapload of people who know me reading this blog (including the maternal one). So I've taken my flickr link off this page and made it a smidge harder for people to find this.

If you know me, please don't out me, cuz if you do, just remember, karma's a bitch and I'll have to track you down and smother you with cake.

Saturday, February 23

day 11401: jumping outside my box

Two things I never thought I'd ever do:

1) Go to an all asian networking function.

2) Give up meat for Lent.

Giving up meat was a lot easier.

Tuesday, February 19

day 11397: my

Friday, February 15

day 11393: the bestest anti valentines day present ever!

Thanks Kim!

Tuesday, February 12

day 11390: newsflash... you live in canada... it snows here

So it just took me over two hours to drive home from work. I missed my beach volleyball game and I sat behind a lot of idiot drivers with more money than brains. I'm tired, hungry, peeved off like nothing else, and argh... days like these I really wish I drove a convertible so I could throw snowballs at people who piss me off.

Here's the thing, people - it's CANADA. It snows here. Get used to it. I know global warming and all the crap has totally destroyed our historically brutal winters, but HEY, guess what... IT STILL SNOWS HERE. And sometimes, it snows A LOT.

Granted, there's probably been more snow this year than the past two combined, but you'd think that by "snowstorm" number 4 [ed note: I don't think the rest of the country would classify some of these as snowstorms], you'd figure out any one of the following:

1. Hey, it snows here! Maybe, if you're terrified of driving in the snow, you should take the subway, or the bus, or anything else that doesn't require you getting behind the wheel. Trust me, the rest of us don't want to sit behind you going at 15 km/h.

2. Hey, it snows here! Maybe you should REALLY REALLY REALLY consider getting a set of snowtires. They don't call them snowtires for nothing!!! Let's see... who do I know that has slid into a ditch because they don't have snowtires - an uncle, a cousin, a few friends, asshat, asshat's friend, the maternal one's ex, the maternal one's bf's son... how many cars were totalled again? 4...5...8?

3. Hey, it snows here! Maybe you should STAY OFF THE ROAD for a while until things clear up a bit. Unless of course, your wife is just about to deliver a baby or you have a beach volleyball game to get to. Of something else, equally important.

4. Hey, it snows here! Maybe you shouldn't be such an idiot driver. Maybe, you shouldn't cut in front of the lane next to me to make a sudden left turn. Maybe, you shouldn't be a complete moron and do it because you saw the guy in front of you do it, and maybe, just maybe, you should use you brain a little instead of constantly looking at the pretty colours on your GPS that's telling you that you're going all of 15 km/h.

5. Hey, it snows here! Maybe, if you can afford this Lexus, BMW, Mercedes, Porsche (insert other luxury car), you shouldn't be afraid to use it. Assuming, of course, that if said person can afford the car, they can also afford a set of SNOWTIRES.

6. Hey, it snows here! Maybe, if you're being all environmentally friendly and ride a bike everywhere, YOU SHOULDN'T BE FIXING YOUR BIKE ON THE ROAD. I don't care if you think you're in the bike lane. Move to the sidewalk. People almost killed you, but you wouldn't know it, would you, as you were bent over your tires with your ass up in the air to all the slipping cars around you THAT DON'T HAVE WINTER TIRES! (ps. props to the guy on the green scooter, but seriously, park that thing and pick it up tomorrow.)

7. Hey, it snows here! Visibility is low when the wind is blowing all that freshly fallen powder around. If you're smart enough to walk (because it's a heck of a lot faster than driving), you should be smart enough not to jaywalk! WE CAN'T SEE YOU! It only takes one idiot middle-aged balding driver in a Mercedes sport-something or rather who thinks he can drive through half a foot of snow on a sporty set of summer tires to make you into a nice little bloody pancake.

8. Hey, it snows here! If you don't know what to do when your car loses traction and starts skidding, maybe you should go to skid school or take some more driving lessons, because you definitely do not deserve to be behind the wheel of a car.

Idiots. Use your brains.

Sunday, February 10

day 11388: disillusioned...

... but trying not to be...

Wednesday, February 6

day 11384: blasphemy

schmassion says: give up sex for lent... i did.
Posie says: good idea! but...aren't we supposed to give up something sacrificial? i.e. something we actually enjoy?
schmassion says: give up foreplay

Tuesday, February 5

day 11383: punk'd

As a child, I loved pulling pranks on people. Unfortunately, I wasn't the most creative crayon in the neighbourhood, so my pranks were really simple and really stupid... things like putting big white KICK ME signs on black chairs hoping that the teachers wouldn't see them.

But the all time kicker... sticking new maxi pads onto classroom doors. Cuz, like, that was really gross to a 11 year old in the dark ages.

Monday, February 4

day 11382: my ass needs a good breakup

Some days I get tired of being single. Trips cost more when you’re on your own, there’s no one to drive you home or split a cab with after you’ve had a few too many, and showing up to family functions alone (again) is probably a fate worse than death.

“Yes Grandma, I have friends… no Grandma, they’re not boys… no Grandma, there’s nothing wrong with me… yes Grandma, I know I need to get out more… no Grandma, I don’t spend all my time on the couch… no Grandma, I didn’t know that I’m gaining weight... thank you SO much for pointing it out to me.” Repeat with grandaunts, granduncles, aunts, uncles, long-lost cousins etc. Blah blah blah.

These days I’m tired of being single for another reason altogether. I need someone to breakup with. My weight is slowly creeping up and a good breakup always helps me get things down a bit. So, for the love of all that is good and holy in the world, here’s hoping that I find a boyfriend soon.

Sunday, February 3

day 11381: on behalf of all the bitter, jaded bridesmaids of the world

Read this.

I am incessed and livid at the level of expectation required by the bridezillas of the world.

I would love nothing more than to blog about this and express how I truly feel, but for now, I am refraining.


(Ed note: this is a comment on the burgeoning ecocentric nature of our so-called-society)