Thursday, November 27

Day 9855: Motivation or lack thereof

My friends - today, I feel like a log. I'm not sure whether it's because of the weather or whether it's because I'm trying to reassess my life (due to the upcoming B-day). But there appears to be no motivation to accomplish anything or even to do anything today. Hence the log.

I am ashamed to admit it. I live from paycheck to paycheck. I am perpetually in the poor house, even though I make a semi-decent living. I have everything I could possibly want. Live virtually rent free and yet, my monthly credit card charges are astronomical with nothing to show for it. My lifestyle is absurd - I eat out almost 7 days a week, I throw down a ton of money whenever I venture out of my house. I would give money to the poor, but I have a feeling, that they have a lot more than I do. Today, my bank account hit an all time low. HELP! Thank God I'm being paid tomorrow. But somehow, somewhere, this spending spree has got to end.

How can I be responsible for other people, when I can't even handle my own life?

Wednesday, November 26

Day 9854: If I close my eyes and wish really hard...

... I can fly, I can fly, I CAN FLY!!!!

Never had a client cheer when I left before. Not really a great feeling. Why am I in a profession where every time I see a client, I'm viewed as a nuisance and a pest. Maybe because I'm superbitch when I go to work. I want things when I want things and I don't care how I get them.

Biscuit count... 5 days. Tomorrow makes 6. Crazy.

Headache count - gone!!! yay!!! Maybe the drugs did the job... or maybe the arm hurts more than the head. Who knows.

Mmmmm... chocolate cake... what is it about this constant craving for chocolate??? Can't seem to get enough... :)

Tuesday, November 25

Day 9853: Thanks anyway...

4 hours wait for 9 stitches. What is our hospital system coming to? No more budget cuts please. I need my beauty sleep.

Sunday, November 23

Day 9850/9851: Vision

One time in TO, this girl had a vision. It came true.

I'm not sure if I did something wrong today. Again, my mind is at war with my conscience. I wanted something badly, the opportunity presented itself and yet I hesitated. Now the opportunity is lost. I'm not certain I made the right decision, though in the long run, I'm sure it is for the better.

Keys are no longer an issue. They have been returned.

Friday, November 21

Day 9849.5: It's a little bit funny... this feeling inside...

I want to go snowboarding in the worse way. For days now, I've been itching to feel the cold blast of mountain air on my face and hear the crunch of the snow beneath my feet. Feel the ground beneath me fall away as I hit a drop and the rustle of the trees as I fly by. This unseasonal warm temperature is killing me. I've gone as far as opening my freezer as wide as it will go and just standing in front of it. Alas, it's just not the same.

Day 9849: Waiting for inspiration.

Good luck IronChefBBQ!! (I didn't want to call you last night, and I knew you wouldn't be checking mail...)

The snowboards were delivered to my house last night, and I think I might have messed up the LOTR board. Paint can sputtered and in trying to even out the sputter, I sprayed too much paint on it and it ran... tried to smooth it out with my finger, but ended up clumping it a bit. I think I'll be in the locker room tonight trying to sand off the extra little bit. Crap. Shouldn't be too hard, I hope. Worse comes to worse, I can always sand everything down and start fresh. Have to admit...a snowboard with Canadiana on it sucks. The original design was really ugly - grizzly bears, moose crossings, totem poles - the works.

Sista's board is masked and ready to go - it will look awesome. Sun pattern with the rays in metallic blue and silver. Can't wait until that one is done.

How do you pretend to like something when you really don't? Triscuit likes his board. I think it's really ugly (old board... I like the new board). He's given me somewhat of an artistic license, but if he's only going to ride it at the beginning and end of the season, then what's the point? To redo the entire board matrix styles would be way cool, but it would be a wasted effort. Is it worth it? Is he worthy of a J masterpiece of such massive proportions??? I'm not sure about that one. But t'will be tres cool if I do decide to put in the effort. But then there's no time to laminate before he trashes it at Tremblant.

I'm waiting for inspiration to strike. Propped up the board in the corner of my room hoping that if it was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep I would dream up something cool. No such luck. *sigh*

SUG called again last night. I think I was feeling guilty for giving him the brush-off on Tuesday - "I have a headache. Can't talk to you right now. Bye." That was mean. Even Triscuit agreed and he's been giving me advice on how to get SUG to stop calling. We talked for an hour. He must be tired of listening to me talk constantly about my board projects and about my friends. Triscuit thinks that I'm just making it worse by not telling him straight out that I don't want to talk to him anymore. I don't mind talking to SUG, but I think he's trying to take it a step further. He asked me what I'm doing Sunday night. I told him that I was busy. I've got plans... really... games night. Please, please SUG, take the hint. I'm starting to get a little creeped out. Must admit though, you are persistent. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?

Funny thing about blogging. I have the tendancy to write down too much. When I was in Dallas, I'd try to tell my sister something... everything ended up with, "I already know that... you blogged it..." So, from now on, all stories that begin with "one time in (fill in blank)... there was a (fill in blank)..." will end as is... LZ styles!!

Catch y'all later! :O)

Thursday, November 20

Day 9848: Rewind button.

Have you ever wished that you could rewind your life? Go back to that certain day you remember when everything was turned upside down and life as you knew it ceased to exist. Have you ever said or done something that you knew was for the better, yet kicked yourself for having done it... or better yet, wanted to kick yourself for being in the position in the first place. Whoever said that having a conscience was a good thing, obviously hasn't met mine.

My conscience. Four of the most beautiful women I have ever met - well-meaning, loving, caring to a degree that anyone with half a brain cell would envy. They watch over me, take care of me, and try to guide me to the appropriate path. And I listen - because they love me, take care of me, and are there for me. And for that, they will have my undying love and loyalty forever. But part of me wishes that I didn't listen to them on one issue recently... that I could have kept blundering in the darkness just having fun, and not emerge into the land of the knowing (even though, subconciously, I did know that it wasn't right and I was just fooling myself into acceptance). And so, if I could please press the rewind button and turn the clock back, I want to relive a couple of days knowing what I know now.

November 17, 2002: my sister made me wear makeup. I hardly ever used to wear makeup. I very firmly believe that it was the makeup and redbull vodkas that began the trend of upheaval that has been my life for past year. If I could go back, I would say no to the makeup. I probably would have passed on the party too. Always follow your gut instincts.

June 17, 2003: I shouldn't have changed my mind. Like I've said before, I give into temptation way too easily. I was tempted, and I gave in... kinda, sorta. Yeah...

November 3, 2003: I tried to make things right. Didn't want to feel guilty anymore, like I was doing something wrong, even though I really wasn't. But it feels more wrong now than it feels right. Why? Darn conscience. Why did you have to put thoughts into my head. I could have been happy not dealing with reality... could have gone on forever... well, almost. Not really.

November 6, 2003: Changed my mind again...kinda, sorta. Fooled myself into listening to KC and fooled myself again. Nothing happened, but it's out there, and can't be retracted. Me, my big mouth and my bigger foot.

song stuck in my usual...diamond rio....

later gators...

Wednesday, November 19

Day 9847: Deja vu.

Woke up with another headache. Going to see the doctor today. Wish me luck - maybe she'll amputate my head. That would solve all my problems.

Must stop checking for non-existing emails. Too much time wasted toggling back and forth between "real" work and Outlook. Stomach should not be doing little miniscule flip-flops every time the "connecting to server" message takes a little longer to flip to "mail delivery complete"... who's email am I waiting for? No idea. Procrastination at it's worse.

I think my mind is playing little games with me. Either that, or I'm starting to believe in past lives. Somewhere deep within the recesses of my mind, there's this tingly feeling that I've killed someone and my mind is trying to block it out. I don't know how. Car accident? Some other kind of accident??? Maybe this isn't the kind of thing that I should blog about. But I'm pretty sure it didn't happen in this lifetime. Maybe I'm just subconciously working television and movies into my dream and since they were vivid dreams, I'm actually believing in them... ahhh... the power of the mind... at it's worse. Maybe I was a former CIA spy and I've been brainwashed and reprogrammed to who I am today. Seriously doubt it.

Oops, I've gone and run out of things to say. Damn headache... please go away, and don't come back tomorrow either.

Tuesday, November 18

Day 9846: Headache update... 4 1/2 weeks and going strong...

Heyos! I finally figured how to set up the comment thingy-ma-bobby!!! SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING!!!! ... someone? hello? anyone out there? *sniff* I feel so alone... ;o)

It's wet. It's miserable. I'm miserable. I'm allergic to the apple I just ate. My lips are puffy and red. Somehow I knew that was going to happen before I ate it, but I ate it anyway. My back hurts, my head hurts... there's a little fruit fly or something that's bugging me... I hate it when I get complainy so I'm going to stop.

That time of year again, boys and girls. Christmas is fast approaching as are the rounds of company parties and other social events during which, again, I will be going through the whole debate. Do I dive in solo, ask a friend to tag along... or just smile pretty and make an excuse about having a prior commitment. Family excuses work well. Unfortunately, at this moment in time, I don't have the patience to deal with my fam, and if I use them as an excuse, I'm sure it'll become some self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know which one is worse... going to a party and being the only single or hanging out with fam and being the only single. What is it about Christmas that feels so gloomy despite the happy kids and jolly fat man.

Looooooooong conversation with Tuxedo Sam last night - contents of which will NEVER, EVER be revealed - during which I've come to the conclusion that I still don't understand guys and probably never will. To generalize and say that all guys think the same way is totally wrong, but to say that they don't think alike isn't right either. But the big question of the night was... drumrollllll... why the heck do I not have a dating history? I'm stumped. Can't answer that one. I think I'm just picky... and maybe a little scared of hurt...

Things I want, but probably shouldn't... (in no particular order)

1. Peanut butter, cheese-wiz, and jam sandwich
2. Caramilk
3. Guiness ice cream
4. Hubcaps
5. Vancouver
6. hee hee... this one's for me to know!!!
7. Triscuits
8. Finding Nemo
9. Gas and reno money
10. TWH'g
11. Whistler during Christmas
12. Panorama during Christmas
13. Snowboard saver... it don't exist, but I wish someone would make it.

Monday, November 17

Day 9845: Hey y'all!!!

I'm BACKKKK!!!! Miss me???!!!

There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Toot toot... I don't think we're in Dallas anymore. :o(

So there was a mechanical bull, and no, I did not get a chance to ride it. Tarnation! I didn't even get a chance to see it. Must admit, am mildly disappointed at that. I actually was looking forward to riding a mechanical bull, although in all probability, I would have chickened out at first chance I got. Did ride a marble bull though, and kept falling off...damn slippery little sucker...still counts, doesn't it?

Dry beginning to a great weekend. Bored stiff at the airport, 2 hr wait, so decided to sms the only person I knew who would respond at 4:30 in the afternoon... Triscuit. Sometimes I wonder how any of my friends get any work done during the day with me emailing and sms'g. Better question-how do I ever get any work done? But hey, I'm selfish and I need attention! NOW!!!

Bought some juice and a couple of chocolate bars (yes, I did buy Caramilk bars, and tho I fully enjoyed them, could not get certain "images" out of my mind... interesting...) and settled down for the 3 hour flight. (theme to gilligan's island running through my head while I'm typing this...) I have a funny suspicion that the New Jersey lacross team was on the flight, but naw, couldn't be - could it? Storm something or rather? Had a great time singing country music songs to myself and designing boards for people. PD, if you ever read this, you are sooooooo gonna love the board I'm doing for you!! (hint: LOTR) Gonna be soooo cool.

Happy teary reunion with the sista, and then off to the rodeo in Fort Worth! Awesome. Bull riding at it's "finest." Definitely cool for a coupla city slickers. Next stop, Billy Bob's for some ribs and fries with a side of country music - Kevin Fowler - never heard of him before and may never hear about him again, but not bad... except for that song he sings about feeling sorry for the next girl 'cuz he loved the one before. Yeah, ummm Kevin, about that - being the next girl sucks as it is. We don't need your pity.

Cowboys are friendly. Texas BBQ sauce rocks. Sista's condo really, really rocks... "lap" pool and all. ;o)

Sat. morning, drove into Austin. Saw a funky statue of a giraffe licking the sky - had no idea what the heck it was until the drive back. City Zoo - go figure. Coupla funny high-speed pix... blurry, I'm sure. The entire time that we were in Austin, the Blake Sheldon song kept going through my mind. Y'all know that song - it's called "Austin"... go figure. :o)

Ok, everyone ready for this!? I'm actually gonna promo a website... It rocks. Gave us a fab hotel (really quite swanky - doormen who open your car doors and hold your keys hostage until you tip them...) for only $46 US for the night. Close to downtown and everything! I think the deal is that you don't know where you're staying until you pay for it, and you can't cancel at any time. Oh well. Worth it.

Fried, fried, fried, and refried catfish, crawfish, and shrimp for lunch. Don't think I'll be eating anything fried for a long time to come. If that's the typical food of the south... no wonder - y'all know what I'm talking about. Hydro tour on those amphibious vehicles through Austin - Go UT Go! Crazy traffic because of the UT/Texas Tech football game. UT won with an unbelievable 50-something yard touchdown. Or so someone said because I haven't the slightest clue what any of that meant... just lotsa people dressed in burnt orange and lotsa cars during our drive downtown. Unbelievably great time on the geeky city tour... don't remember much about what they told us, but we had loads of fun quacking at people walking on the streets AND we got to buy/keep 27 quackers. KICK ASS RUBBER DUCKIES!!!

What's better - a cowboy or a fireman. What if he's a cowboy and a fireman?

Segway, guys... F&L have the cutest baby on the planet. "fay-fay" c'est tres cute!!! Happy, bubbly, and such an amazing baby. Congrats guys!!! (... awwww... now I want one... really...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...)

Tired now, and I wanna go home - short, short summary of everything else... street party, got lost, drunken revelers, got lost, no parking, got lost, Rudy's Country Store, got lost, amazing ribs and chopped meat, got lost, 45 minute teaser outlet mall shopping (successful, I might add...), did I mention we got lost? Relatively decent flight home - 1/2 hr early - great until we hit a little turbulence and some guy started screaming... guy... not girl... it wasn't even all that bad.

Exhausted, but happy! Later gators! :o)

Friday, November 14

Day 9842 1/2: The saga continues

I've become a creature of habbit. Every morning when I step into the elevator at work, I reach up to press the button for the 5th floor. Unfortunate DUH!, I work on the 3rd floor. It's been 5 months since our office moved and still I haven't gotten used to it. Luckily, I've only ridden up to the 5th floor once and the elevator was empty, so I just rode it back down. Maybe subconciously I wish I was back in time when life was a little simpler and I sat in the bullpen surrounded by people to talk to. Now, the room with a view (of the highway) is depressingly lonely. I only have 4 sticks of bamboo to keep me company... oh and a rock with a hole in it... oh and sometimes my office-buddy, KC. It's no wonder I spend the day talking to myself.

Today is Friday which means that it's either donut day, bagel day or waffle day. I'm trying really hard to resist temptation - don't even want to know what it is. I suspect that it's bagel day. The hallway smells like toast and peanut butter. Mmmm... I would give anything for a peanut butter, jam, scrambled eggs and bacon bagel. Weird ya' think? Nope... I know someone who has even stranger food combinations! And if I think it's strange, boy, is it ever.

I feel like a blob... Blobbity, blobbity, blob, blob, blob, bllllllllobbbbb... everyone sing along!! :) Gotta get back to that low-carb high vitamin thing. Yup, back to the 'ole B6, B12, K+ and multis. It's not so bad really. They just make me want to puke...hence the whole non-eating thing. I've spent too much time, energy, and money to regress back to something I should never have been in the first place. That would be self-destructive... and baaaaaddddd. Going to start working out for snowboarding season. Like Gina says, have to strengthen those thighs and calfs for those loooong toe-side cattracks. Embarassing to have to hike it when everyone just zooms by. Catch me if you can!

Unhealthy obsession with the snooze button on my alarm clock. Been setting the alarm earlier and earlier so that I get to snooze more. Really though, I plan on becoming a morning person - it just doesn't happen that way. Today I set my alarm for 5:50 to get up by 6:45. That's insane. Why don't I just set it for a later time and get better quality sleep rather than have my sleep interrupted every 8 minutes. I can't even get a decent dream in during that time. It's no wonder that I wake up feeling even more tired and nauseous than the night before. Headache count... 4 weeks and going. Dizzy and nauseous... 2 weeks and going. Maybe I should go see a doctor. Maybe not. If I'm dying, I don't want to know about it.

My mom showed up on my doorstep at 7:30 this morning. Didn't call or anything. I hate it when she does that - drives the dog mental and scares the crap out of me. Memories of a very recent, very funny incident are flooding back. (Sorry guys, if you don't know already, I'm afraid you'll never know... some things just can't be shared over the public airwaves - never know if the parental units are reading this... I highly doubt it.) Luckily, not the same situation. Or should I say bummer... not the same situation. No, I'm over that. I'm moving on - like the song says. Funny, though, this time the gatehouse didn't call. I say they're working with me... not against me. Hee hee... jokes... too funny...!!

I wonder what the record is for the longest single blog. I feel like I can keep going on and on and on forever. But then maybe I shouldn't 'cuz then I'll run out of things to say... ya' think... naw....

BTW, thanks to Unsanitary Man, I am no longer obsessed with Caramilk chocolate bars. I don't think I can look at Caramilk the same way ever again... Bah... :(
Day 9842: The beginning of a new era...almost

Ok, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and reach out and pat my own back. Totally non-techie me has figured out how to play around with the little sidebar thingys. Even managed to add that little 'contact me' linky-thing all by myself! Yay! Hey - not bad coming from someone who barely knows how to use email (memories of frantic phone calls trying to recall erroneously sent messages with BAD content are coming to mind...). Only thing that pisses me off is that I can't figure how to recover something that I saved but didn't post/publish. Whatever... no complaints, I can manage. Next project - figure out how to set up the little comments thing.

There's something about blogging that is definitely therapeutic. Once I've started, I just want to do more of an obsession or a compulsion to log every waking moment. Ha ha, funny though... by the time I've logged on, I've usually forgotten what I wanted to say. I guess I'm all about the instant gratification. Sending my thoughts and feelings out into the great unknown... a little scary, I admit. Don't know who will read it, don't know what people are going to do with it. Actually, don't really even care. If you want to read it, fine. If you don't want to read it, that's fine, too. Once it's out there, my job is done. Do what you will - just don't be too harsh.

Ok, enough with the sappy songs, and the stupid boy band singing about crying himself to sleep. I don't think I've done that in a long, long time. At least not since my dad died. Omg, it's coming up 9 years. Time flies when you're not paying attention. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I've forgotten that it happened and I'll really want to tell him something. Then I remember and the day just goes downhill from there. I hate days like that. Those are the days that I don't want to leave my bed - just huddle in the darkness and wait for a better day to come along. People say it does...eventually...

Triscuit said a couple of weeks ago that I was a strong person because I don't show a lot of emotions - I don't think so. Just because I don't cry in public and I don't like to make a scene does not make me a strong person. I cry every time I see the Range Rover commercial where they stop the car to pick up the wet dog. I've even cried at the silly cute little pigs on the Telus print ads, for goodness sakes. I think, rather, that I am actually a weak person... at least very, very weak willed. I'm always the one who gives into temptation first. Hmmm... funny about that - it gets me into trouble a lot. That and my big mouth and my little brain. Somehow my brain and my mouth do not communicate very well. What comes out of my mouth is not necessarily what goes through my head. Just ask Triscuit...he thinks I'm an airhead. I'm not. Maybe that's why I usually prefer to communicate by emailing or sms'ing.

SUG keeps calling. He left a message yesterday, and he called again today. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I think I've complained about it to everyone under the sun. Never dealt with anything like this before - something totally new to me. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but truly, honestly, there's nothing there. No hard feelings, SUG, but I don't feel the same way. I've tried to tell you, but you won't take the hint. I haven't returned your calls. I haven't even picked up your calls. Granted, it was never on purpose, and had my phone actually rang, or had I not been in a dead zone, or had I not been having dinner with someone else, I probably would have picked up. But a part of me is glad that I didn't. Not in a place in my life where I want to start something like that. I'm just not ready - I still want to have fun for a little while longer. I feel really mean. I don't like this feeling. There's too much guilt. Maybe I should join a nunnery - but I'm not Catholic. Is that a problem?

Am I a nice person? I ask myself that constantly. I never want to hurt anyone... never want to cause anyone even the slightest bit of pain. And yet, I know that sometimes I do. The parental units, the sista... I have a temper sometimes. Especially if I'm stressed or frustrated. I take them for granted and throw their love in their faces. But time and time again, they forgive me and welcome me back with open arms. *sniff* waterworks again. Here I go...

To the people I love... my family, my friends. I am nothing without you. Every day I thank God that I was fortunate enough to have met you, to have shared in your experiences, and to be able to share my life with you. Each of you have taught me something that I will carry with me throughout my life...something that helps me to be a better person...something that hopefully, I will be able to share with someone else one day. There are many different degrees of love, but what I feel for each of you is different and unique unto your own. Though I may sometimes be short-termpered, and maybe seem a little distant, I don't mean to be. My self-obsession causes me to be preoccupied with my own thoughts. If I forget to tell you one day that I love you, does not mean that I don' just means that tomorrow I'll love you more, and the next day even more than tomorrow.

Ok, so the sappy songs and the confessions have gotten to me... serious waterworks now. I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep. Stay tuned, my friends - more to come when I wake up and the day actually begins. This time tomorrow, I'll be Dallas in a real western bar riding a freaking mechanical bull... here's looking at you kid.

Thursday, November 13

Day 9841: Living in a goldfish bowl

I dreamt last night that I bought a goldfish. Or rather, that I was in the store attempting to buy a goldfish. At first, I wanted the little white one (memories of Karen's dearly departed Maki...was that it's name?), then the pretty red one, and then the funky pearly blue and white one that the shopkeep didn't want to sell me. Never actually bought the fish. Woke up before I made the decision, or maybe I just forgot what I decided on. Happens. Happens all the time. I don't usually remember my dreams...hmmm I wonder what this one means. I do remember paying for the goldfish bowl though. Funny... since the last fish we had (O'Henry? Or was it Willimina... I'm not so good with names) lived out his/her life in a punchbowl. No worries - I only serve alcoholic punch in that bowl. Alcohol is the gift of the gods - kills everything that ails you... and more. I think I've been watching too much Finding Nemo before bed. Cartoon obsession??? Really??? Where... No idea what you're talking about... spongewho????

I'm about to become one of those people I absolutely peeve about... yup - you got it. I'm about to become a bailer. In all fairness, I never really wanted to take the truffles class to begin with. I'm just not in my gorging-on-obscene-amounts-of-chocolate-while-paying-$90-for-the-priviledge kind of mood. I kinda signed up just for the heck of it, and because my chocolate obsessed friend, Iris - who I love dearly and is prolly really pissed at me for bailing on her - wanted someone to go with. Never stopped to think that I was in the middle of doing the whole cannot eat chocolate or junk food bit and if I do I gotta pay $10 to the sista and $10 to Triscuit per piece. Yeah, truffles class would have just defeated the purpose of the self-imposed diet.

So instead, I'm bailing. Bailing on chocolate, and bailing on Iris, just so that I can drive 6 1/2 hours to Tremblant to go boarding with Gina et al. Oh, but it will be an awesomely fantastic, amazing weekend. Even if there's only a little bit of snow, just being out there will get my little heart pumping and keep me from exploding until I get to go again (2 weeks later). So jealous of all those who can afford to fly out to BC this year and board. Need to find a new job that'll let me take hols during the season. Hurts that I gotta do the whole Friday midnight dash to whatever resort everyone's hanging at, just so that I can board on Saturday, and maybe a little on Sunday before trekking back to the hell in which I work. Prolly going to do that for Jay this year, even though last year was a complete bust. But hey, what can you say if it's -40 outside... except "brrrrrrr, turn up the freakin' heat, will ya!!"

I'm trying to be a good bailer though. I'm trying to find a replacement who could be ten times better than me in a kitchen and who could actually potentially use this skill later on in life... and maybe someone that Iris likes just a little better than me... hint, hint... Andrew. But unfortunately, the fishys aren't biting and no one really seems interested. That, and everyone's going to be away that weekend. The fam's taking off for the warm-who-knows-where, the parental units will be flying down to Texas to nag the sis to death... thank god it's her turn! I'm trying, I'm really trying...!!! :o) lol... who knew you had to all-but-bribe someone into eating chocolate.


All previous references to Caramilk CHOCOLATE BARS have been deleted... ew...ew...ew...ew...ew


Ha, ha... so joke's on you, whoever's reading this. I told some people about my blog and they're! we get to go inside J's mind and see how it works... yeah... well sorry to waste your time. My mind just doesn't work, and there's not much in there, and definitely not anything that's interesting or worth reading about. Never question, just accept - there's no reason why I am the way that I am. I just am... as opposed to someone else who says "I am who I am... and a little of what you want me to be." That, my friends, is just wrong.

Blustery day today. Winter's-a-coming! All smiles today, cuz it's the first official snow. Those one or two flakes that I saw driving to work a couple of weeks ago just don't count. It's been flurry-ing all morning and supposed to continue all evening. Too bad the ground is too warm to get some decent accumulation. Heard that somewhere north of the city, they're getting 20cm+... cool - that will make a good base. Preseason life tix are way cheaper... specially if you can pass for under 17 and still buy youths... hee ... hee... who me??? No ethical dilemmas here. Never understood why they charge different prices when it takes the same amount of effort to get me up the hill anyway.

Three more weeks and I'll be on the slopes... but hey, who's counting... ME!!!! THAT'S WHO!!!!!!!!!!!!! yayayayayayay!

Still need snowboard volunteers... bunny-man...hint...hint... your board will thank you...

PS... when did I get a reputation for drinking??? Sheesh... one lousy pubcrawl, a couple of drunken nights playing basketball in the dark, and a taxi ride home that I don't really remember... and all of a sudden I'm a lush??? What's going on here... where's the conspiracy???

Wednesday, November 12

Day 9840: I'm not crazy... I'm just a little unwell...

...and high on paint fumes! Eating Monday's leftover "flied lice" as my dad used to say, and typing one fingered. This natural keyboard thingy is throwing me off. Oh well. Jetted home from the client's to paint the clearcoat layers during lunch. That way, when I get home tonight, I'll be able to do the final "unveiling" and reveal my masterpiece for all the world to see. If it's half as good as I hope, it will be awesome... not to pat myself on the back or anything... but time will tell, and people will notice - mwuaahahahahaha!!!!

It struck me this morning that the world is becoming increasingly competitive. So far, I've done a fairly successful job at plodding along at my own pace and doing things when I see fit. Fortunately for me, I guess I have a higher standard than some others do, cuz most of the time, what I do is used as a sort of benchmark that others compare to. Not the case today. Was on a job this morning, and the client oh-so-casually mentioned that the last person there was out by noon. Granted, different job, different levels of difficulty. But most of the time, I'm out by noon or shortly thereafter. Somehow, somewhere, I started to feel pressure that I had to be out as soon as possible and found myself rushing through a lot of the work I was doing. First year job - should not be rushed. Managed to leave at a reasonably decent hour, but now I feel like my reputation has disintegrated into microcosmic particles never to be seen again. Whatever. My chargeout is way too high to be put on those clients - hee hee... see LZ... I, too, can be a snob!!! Honestly speaking though, how in the world will they ever recover - some things are so streamlined and downpack that regardless of who does the job, it would take the same amount of time. But if I turn it down, then I'd just be sitting in the office twiddling my thumbs... You're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.

Two more days until I go to Dallas!!! Cowboys... here I come...!!!! :o) Did I ever mention that I have the bestestest sister in the world. She's flying me down to Texas to visit her... she's even gonna take me to a real western bar where they have mechanical bulls and stuff like that. Yeah, I'm just being optimistic. Being a true-north Canadian, can't fathom that Texans aren't the stereotypical cowboys of ye 'ole western movie. Do they still have horses in Texas? I have no idea. Still, my sister rocks. I miss her big time. The house isn't quite the same without her. It's a lot cleaner, and there's a lot more food in the house, and the bathroom countertops aren't cluttered. The phone is actually silent and the dog doesn't run around in crazy circles anymore. I think the dog is depressed. Maybe I should buy some happy pills. One for me, one for her... two for me... one for her... three for me... hmmm... now that's an idea worth exploring...

So, I've been totally and seriously dissed. Not really dissed in the usual sense of the word, but dissed in the sense that a purely innocent sentence of mine can be made into something totally different and even a kind of disgusting sort of way. See for yourself. My original sentence referred to a food craving...

"My fault. I got her craving it last week when I really wanted it. Now, I don't want it at all, but she really does, and since she doesn't know that we went last week, I have to pretend that I still have the craving. Really all I want is to go home and fantasize about something else besides food for a change."

My "huh?" to the "Now you know what its like to be a guy" was met by...

"I got her craving it last week when I really wanted it. Now, I don't want it at all, but she really does, and since she doesn't know that I'm [not interested and couldn't possibly tell her that], I have to pretend that I still have the craving. Really all I want is to go home and [sleep, eat, ...]. :> "

Stinking little happy face included, I am not amused. I will never understand guys. Is everything in the world just about sex to them? Is that how guys really feel? Why don't they just be a man and come out and say it... ummm... no hard feelings, babe, but I don't feel like sleeping with you anymore. I found someone else with bigger boobs. Men... boys... I don't get it. Girls are not fragile, we can take the hint. We just cry to make you feel guilty. Does it work?

Snowboard update: peeled off the sticky-back mylar. The board totally rocks!!! Only very minimal bleeding along one edge. I can deal with that... Can't wait until it snows so I can go boarding. Wish I was rich enough to buy another one... that way I can keep on having little projects to keep me busy - anyone want to volunteer their board? I swear you'll love it even more when I'm done!! :o)

Tuesday, November 11

Whooo hooo!!!! Reread the primer can...only needed to wait 10 minutes between priming and applying the colour coat - hence... my board is almost done!!! Can't wait to see the final product. Bad news though - the primer reacted with the sticky-back mylar that I was using and there was total bubbling on the one side. I think there was possible bleeding of the paint... I was a little overzealous with the spray can. Give me a break - my first time with spray paint. BUT I LIKE IT!!!

Had to call Triscuit for moral support before I started the process. Wasn't sure that I could do it. But he said commit to the which I replied - I have a problem committing to anything. Too funny! Ironic though - since I'm not the one with the commitment problem... seem to be surrounded by bailers and non-committers. Serious major pet peeve.

Actually in a good mood for the first time today. Dealing with hostile clients on a rainy Tuesday morning when the rest of the world seems to be in a funked out mood is not an ideal situation. To top it off, found out that someone in my office got laid off last night. No one knew about it until this morning. I think secretly, a lot of people were relieved to see her go. I feel guilty admitting it, but we did not get along. I always wondered why. I usually get along with everyone, but somehow, somewhere she rubbed me the wrong way. There's actually only two people that I know that I don't get along with. She was one of them. Though, I wish her the best in the future, because getting laid off is a really, really, really sucky thing and I wouldn't wish it on anyone...except for me... I think I'm a little jealous... is that weird?
Day 9839: Another day, another destiny.

I need to find a passion. Something to feel deeply about. Something to consume my energy and redirect my life. Something that makes it worthwhile to wake up in the morning. Something to rid my mind of the thoughts that constantly haunt me... the what if's and the could have beens.

I was really looking forward to working on my snowboard today. Played hookey from work this morning and went to Crappy Tire to buy some spraypaint. Somehow, I never realized that it takes a lot of time before the primer sets and when you finally paint, you still have to clearcoat it. And what are they talking about when they say that you have to sand it? There's no way I want to sand it just in case I wreck my design. So, I won't be able to finish it today afterall. I'm so disappointed, I don't even want to work on it. I think I have to recut at least 4 little rose stencils and one larger rose and have everything masked, otherwise it will take weeks before I'm done.

Triscuit suggested today that it would make a really cool side business if it works out. As if that thought hadn't crossed my mind before.

I hate coming home to an empty house. It would have been 5 months two days ago. Bah... passion... schmassion... overrated.