passion...schmassion

Day 9992: At the end of the day...

I spent the weekend wracking my brain, searching my soul, trying to figure out what to do with my life and trying to figure how to get where I want to be. Only problem is... at the end of the day, I still don't know where I want to be. I'd love to tell you the idealistic me - find a new monkey firm, or in this case, a new monkeyco, learn the ropes and move quickly and confidently up the corporate ladder. Sounds simple. Sounds like a good plan. But realistic, probably not.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't like change. I actually hate change. So any step that I make, to me, must be well-thought out and must be a good one. It can't mess up my nonexistant future. It can't take me away from the course I have yet to draw out. I'm 27 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I feel like I've been in limbo for the last 4 years... first trying to pass the stupid CA exams, and then staying to finish the time to qualify, and then of course when all that was over, I found that I loved the people too much to make a transition of any kind. Well... things change, people and politics intervene and after 4 years, I want out. Badly.

I've made the moves. I've seen the right people. There is a high possiblity that I might be out of here soon. But to what avail? Am I making a choice because I want out so badly that I have yet to consider the impact of my decision, or am I making a choice that will truly benefit my career? As jobs go, it's nothing special - typical SFA role. Cool monkeyco. Cool products, but I have a feeling that it will still be a day-in, day-out.

I've turned down something that could have potentially been great. I feel quite badly about it. I know it's a normal thing for most people, but somehow, for me, it was significant. I feel bad. I feel guilty, but I know that I have to do what's right for me. And that wasn't it. Though, in another life, in another time, I think I would really want that opportunity... and I did last Thursday. It's funny how a weekend of soul searching and brain bashing can change everything. I went from super happy and super excited to feeling completely guilty and really, slightly depressed. I never like to disappoint, and I feel as if I have disappointed a lot of people.

So tomorrow, I find out about the new monkeyco... if the offer is good, then I will be jumping... if the offer isn't what I expect and what I know I deserve... welllll... looks like I might be stuck in monkey firm for the long run... wish me luck.

ps... weekend was good... Maddy Thursday, brought dog into work Friday, went down to the Ham, met Triscuit's extended fam, rollerbladed (16km - ow!), slept through Bruce Almighty, learned to drive stick, went to a great Aussie wine party Saturday, Korean BBQ Sunday, great afternoon "nap", and bubble tea with three different groups of peeps Sunday... and some stuff in between (but shhh... I'm not telling...) :)