Tuesday, June 22

Day 10062: Teeny bopper movies make me cry…

My wedding day will be one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. There will be no traditional father-daughter dance. There may not even be anyone to walk me down the aisle. And no matter how much I’ll be smiling and laughing on the outside, there will be a little part of me inside that’ll be crying for the what-should-have-beens.

He should have been there to see me get married, should have been there to hold his grandchildren. Darn, he should be here now to add his disapproval of Triscuit to my mother’s…add his two cents, even though really it wouldn’t make much of a difference. We should have at least danced one dance together sometime during our lives, though we might have once-upon-a-time when I was but a babe, standing on his feet maybe. But I can’t remember anymore. And it makes me cry a little every time I think about it.

He wasn’t there at my graduations. He wasn’t there to see that I wasn’t really as hopeless as I appeared to be, and that I finally pulled myself together to make something out of my life. He wasn’t there this past weekend when our dragonboat caught up in the last few meters to place third in the division finals… less than 5 hundredths of a second behind the second place team, and less than a second behind the first place team.

And the worse of it all, is that I’m not sure he even knows.

I spent the night watching What a Girl Wants. A cheesy, little teeny bopper movie - of the variety that I love. Sweet, not really all that innocent, but cute. And I sobbed through it. Thinking, and knowing that at least the girl has a chance to see her father again, and to actually spend time with him. Today, tomorrow and the next day. Whereas I will never be able to hear his voice, see him smile, or hug him again.

I would give anything, move heaven and earth to have just five minutes with my dad again. Hell… ten seconds even. I’m not greedy.

Happy belated Father's Day, Daddy... I miss you...


No comments: