Tuesday, February 1

day 10288: what to say to make the hurt go away?

It was a whole day of self-inflicted mental torment. It was something I didn’t want to do, but knew it had to be done. Last night, I told Serious Boy that he and I could never be, and that dinner and a movie was probably not a good idea.

I rehearsed the conversation in my head over and over. I discussed it with BMW. I tried rehearsing it with Bo, but ended up hamming it up and making jokes about eloping with my highest-bidder over the weekend and how my newly-wedded-bliss would not approve of me going on a date with another man. She said it would be a learning experience and so long as the conversation didn’t turn into coffee and coffee didn’t turn into lunch, then I’d be fine.

Just go with the flow and tell him the truth, she said. I tried. I really tried, but ended up mucking things up and making sad little excuses about how I wasn’t comfortable in the situation and how he was JB’s friend and how it was wierding me out a bit.

I probably should have told him about my weekend instead, and how I spent in on the beach with my highest-bidder… maybe he’d make some sort of conclusion and save me the agony and guilt.

He said he didn’t really understand. And quite honestly, I couldn’t even begin to explain it to him. I don’t really understand either. I babbled and blurted so many random things that I really couldn’t keep track of what garbage came out of my mouth. I should have just been honest with him from the beginning… I am flattered, and while I like you as a friend, I don’t think our relationship will ever progress beyond “just friends.”

At the end of it all, we agreed to be somewhat friends and if I should ever change my mind, then to let him know. He made it clear that he wasn’t hung up about his ex-es and that he was just very open and forthcoming if the topic ever came up… except that he brought the topic up in the first place and he shouldn’t have known that it was a concern of mine to begin with if JB hadn’t told him that I asked about it…

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