Thursday, December 15

day 10604: so this is christmas?

It will be a year soon since the night we sat talking in the hall when everyone else was dreaming happily about snow. I asked you then if you missed me, and you replied, "All the time. I miss hanging out with you. I miss being close to you. I miss curling up with you, and waking up with my arm all tingly because you slept on it all night."

Sometimes, I still wonder the same.

We embarked an a path of discovery that night. We talked like we had never talked before. The year that we had been together were filled with other things besides talking. We were too busy laughing, and too busy living, but only in the moment, never thinking about the future.

I was happy that we were finally friends again. I was happy that we were finally “us” again.

But it shouldn’t have been that way. Even back then, we should have let things be and gone our separate ways. It would have been easier on my heart, easier on my mind and infinitely better for my soul. The subsequent six months would not have been and I would not have fallen more deeply in love with you. I never thought that I would care that much about a person.

When you broke my heart, you did it gently. You told me that you loved me, but that you weren’t in love with me. You were 95% there, but something was missing and it just didn’t feel right. I tried my best to love for two, but if we were not meant to be, we were not meant to be. I could not make you love me, and had you settled for only 95%, you would not have been true to yourself. I never wanted you to settle.

That night, I begged you to come home with me so that you could hold me one more night. I wouldn’t let you sleep for fear that the morning would come too soon. We made love one last time. You left early the next morning, and I cried one last time, got up, dressed for work, and started living my life without you. I mourned you. I missed you. I still loved you.

I hoped that we could eventually be friends again. You had been my best friend for so long. I didn’t want to lose that, too.

And then I found out the truth. The truth about the bachelor party in Montreal… the drunken night… the “friends” who were cops… and I found out that you had betrayed me. The lies you told me were bitter and they stung. The pain I felt encompassed me and surrounded me with a blanket of hatred. I confronted you, swore at you, and hated you for so long.

You almost killed me when you said, “It’s not like we were married.”

Yet, I still defended you, and to this day, still hide the truth from our friends. I knew that they would judge you harshly, and I didn’t want you to lose them. But you’ve chosen to withdraw from our circle, and for that, I am somewhat grateful. I protected your reputation for so long, because, really, I was still in love with you even though I didn’t like you. Yes, it is possible to love someone you don’t like.

It’s been an eon and a half since that day. I found an inner strength that I didn’t know I possessed. I moved on, and found someone else to love. And yes, I am falling in love with him. He is gentle, he is kind, and best of all, he is the man that you will never be… loyal, honest, compassionate beyond belief. He cares deeply for me, and calls me “Beautiful” everyday. Not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am to have found someone like him. And instead of me thinking that you never deserved me, it’s me thinking that I don’t deserve him.

I still think of you. I will never forget you. I will always care for you, and will probably always miss you, the thoughts, the memories and the experiences that we shared. We parted in a way where we will never be friends. If we ever cross paths again, I’m not sure how I would react, but I hope that my words to you would be “Thank you.”

Thank you for letting me go so that I could have a chance at something better.

There is so much more that I could say, but I will end it here. I hope that you are happy. I hope that you never have any regrets in your life. Be true to who you are, and don’t let people influence you to be something you are not and were never meant to be. Because that was always your greatest downfall… trying to prove to others that you were someone that you were not. Choose your friends wisely. Not everyone has your best interests at heart.

I wish you all the best in life and hope that you eventually find what you’ve been looking for all these years.

Merry Christmas, Triscuit. I’m done with you.

5 comments:

flamer said...

LZ worships the devil. And what's a Triscuit?

anonymous said...

Some sort of snack in the form of a waifer or cracker I think.

flamer said...

Oh....LOL. A word of advice, keep your friends close, but your box of waifer/crackers even closer. Schmassion, I recommend you throw away 'Kite Runner' & 'The Tipping Point' and pick up 'The Art of War' by Sun Tzu. It was written more than two thousand years ago in feudal China as a bible of sorts on the subjects of battle field tactics, managing troops or terrain, and employing cunning and deception. The book is an elemental part of Chinese culture, and has become a touchstone around the world in the universal struggle for survival and success, whether in battle, in business or in relationships. In both China and Taiwan it is considered required reading for all officers attending battle school.

Schmassion, this book lends itself to infinite applications. The strategic advice it offers concerns more than just the conduct of war. It is a book of proverbial wisdom finding use in attack, retreat, and stalemate in virtually all areas of life. Pick it up, and begin learning the art of defeating all of life's waifers.

anonymous said...

What if she already read the art of war?

flamer said...

Not likely. Schmassion does not strike me as a particularly erudite person. (kidding!!)