passion...schmassion

Day 9944: Responsibility

I don't think I'd be patting myself on the back if I said that I was a nice person... or that I'm a pretty darned nice person. I will go out of my way to do things for people. Will go out of my way to make people around me happy. But I really don't like it when people try to take advantage of my "nice-ness" or when people try to order me to do something. Everyone has responsibilities. Everyone does things because they feel obliged to. But sometimes I just don't feel like it, and I don't want to. Not that I'm not nice - but I'd rather do something because I want to, rather than because I have to. But I would still do it anyway.

I visited my grandparents on my dad's side this weekend. In all fairness, I rarely see them and I should be seeing them a lot more than I actually do. Because they are blood, and because they are my responsibility. Though my grandmother does try and make the effort to keep in touch, it is difficult as she refuses to call my cell phone. Really, I don't have the same affinity with that side of the family as I do with my mother's side. Maybe because they consciously try to erase us from their memories and refuse to admit our existence unless they want something from us...hmmm... example... my cousin got married, we weren't invited to the wedding until less than a month before... my cousin had a baby... we weren't even told. There's only so much ignoring a girl can take before she, herself, decides that she no longer has a connection to that side of the family. Maybe somewhere deep, deep, deep down there is some emotional feelings, but it's too hidden to try to dig out and explore, and really, honestly, I'm not sure its anything more than a feeling of responsibility and maybe a little of sadness that my father's brothers are too self centered to take care of anyone besides themselves.

Had it been my maternal grandmother that made the request, I would not have been able to deny her. Face it, I went out with SUG for her. There's nothing that I wouldn't do for anyone on my mother's side. Nothing (except going out with SUG). But my grandmother (on my dad's side)... well... it was a lot easier to say "no", or to say "maybe". Perhaps it was the way she asked, or rather ordered. She basically came out and said, "You're old enough now, you can do things. I'm going to call you and get you to come over to help me..." Not too bad though... but what I heard was "You're at my beck and call, because your work is now really close to me, and it's your duty to do things for me." And because it felt like I was being ordered to do something, I resisted and told her that I would come over during lunch when I'm in the office, but I won't come after work. Truth be told, I don't want to spend my evenings at her apartment. I'd rather be in a position where I have limited time to spend there. I don't like the risk of having to see one of my uncles, and worse yet - what if there's a conspiracy to set me up with someone else... for shame.

At the end of the day, if she calls, I will go. But I won't want to, and I won't like it. I'll do it because I have to, because I feel obliged to, but I would rather go because I want to. Because I care to.