Saturday, March 20

Day 9968: Who the hell cares anymore

Everyday you learn something new. It may be something about someone, or it may be something about yourself.

I learned something about myself yesterday that I would never have thought possible - I can end a long-term friendship, and though I may not be able to do it easily, it can be done. I learned that sometimes people are not worth the effort that you put into maintaining a friendship and that it is better, for both parties involved, if you each go your separate ways. It is not worth the emotional rollercoaster. It definitely is not worth the time that you spend agonizing or questioning the reasoning behind the other person’s thoughts and actions. And that it is sometimes easier to say “to hell with you” and cut them off altogether, especially if the effort that one puts into the relationship is taken for granted or not reciprocated.

In each group, everyone has a self-defined role. Perhaps it wasn’t a conscious action, but essentially everyone has done or said something that has ultimately caused someone to classify that person as the “brain,” or the “clown,” or the “ditz-flake-we-never-knew-was-capable-of-logical-intelligent-thought.” Or it may have been the instantaneous perception we get when meeting someone new – that dreaded first impression. That “ditz” impression that is reinforced by each “ditz” thing we do regardless of how intellectual we really are and how many other non-“ditz” things we do.

And when a person steps out of that role, it surprises everyone. Of course, to be perfectly fair, there may be occasions where we have “dumbed-it-down.” The reasons why, I have no idea, save that perhaps we’ve become comfortable existing as the fallibly preconceived persona and hesitate to stir things up. But the fact that it surprises people is surprising in itself. Do people not realize that everyone is multi-facetted and multi-dimensional? Or have people become so self-absorbed that they fail to observe the changes in relationship as people mature and grow, and though I do hate to say this, move on.

Change is inevitable. It happens every day. People change the way they speak, the way they act, and even the way they think. We are no longer exposed to the same day-in-day-out. Our thoughts and our actions are no longer dictated by the same professors and the same friends. We are busy people each living our own lives and trying to do what is best for ourselves and our futures. We’ve all branched out, experienced life, been influenced by different interests, and, hopefully, have grown and matured into decent people. But fact remains, we are different people, and the bonds that perhaps once held us close have loosened, and the common interests that were once shared may no longer be enough to hold the friendship together.

There are different levels of friendship. There is the level of friendship where you’ve known the person for less than a year, but it feels like you’ve known them forever. There are the friends you would do anything for, and that you would practically die for. There is the friend that you still care about because of old times and memories, but you very rarely see, but you’ll be sure to invite her to your wedding because she’s always been there for you when you need her – the one that you love deeply but because you’re both so busy it’s really hard to get together, and when you do see each other, it feels like the last time you saw each other was just yesterday. And THEN there are the superficial people -the ones that you see once a blue moon, that really don’t give a rat’s ass about you, just try to take what they can from you, and piss you off with every comment that they make…the ones you really shouldn’t even call friends…

Personally, I have changed, and hopefully for the better. I’m a little more extroverted, a little more adventurous. My outlook on life is different - a little more positive, a little more negative...depending on the day. I am no longer as na├»ve as I used to be. Definitely not as gullible as I used to be. Perhaps I am becoming wiser in my old age. But, for sure, I am becoming a little more selective about who I choose to spend my time with. Agree or disagree, all I know is that I’m done with the superficial and the moochers. I’m tired of being pigeon-holed as the “funky ditz” with everything I say and my every point of view immediately disregarded. I’m tired of being taken advantage of and of being the one to put in all the effort, and quite frankly, I’m tired of being the nice person all the time. There are friends and there are acquaintances. People I chose to share my life with and people that I’ll forget about the moment they pass from view. This may sound harsh, but such is life. Such is reality. Deal with it.

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