Friday, March 26

Day 9974: What to do at an interview

1. show up late... wouldn't want them to think you're too eager. 7:59am for an 8am interview, however, is borderline acceptable - you're on time, but you're not eager-beaver-desperate-for-the-job type. Plus, it's an ungodly hour, so they'll never really think twice about it. Anyway if you do get the job, you wouldn't want them to think you're in the habit of getting in "super early."

2. flash the interviewer... make sure your "more-than-adequate" cleavage is prominently displayed to the point where you have nightmares about it afterwards (think Janet Jackson/Erin Brokovich). You never know, it might get you the job... even if your interviewers were all women... you never really know. (Note to self... next time, make sure your second opinion/clothes checker-outter is not the boy who happens to like your "more-than-adequate" cleavage.)

3. blather along endlessly about the gorgeous view... that's right, BE original. It's not like they haven't heard it from EVERY SINGLE FREAKING CANDIDATE. Yup, it's gorgeous, and that's why they shell out the big rent bucks for it and why they really can afford the freakishly high salary you're fantasizing about negotiating.

4. pick one item on your resume and focus entirely on that... after all, the rest of it was "made up" anyway...wasn't it? You really are one-dimensional. Work is just work. Day in day out. I'm sure they don't want to know about the time you spend goofing off at the office to blog...

5. ask about downtime... and then keep emphasizing that you hate it even AFTER they've told you that they REALLY like it WHEN they have it... yeah, wellll...ummm... eager-beaver atttitude is good, isn't it? But don't forget to them that you don't want to work 9 - 3am... even when they tell you that they're extremely busy sometimes and stay really late at night.

6. take the water, already!!! It's not in front of you because they're torturing you... One and a half hours of pure talking, and you WILL get thirsty. They'll keep asking until you DO take it... cuz otherwise they'll feel guilty about drinking their Starbucks lattes in front of you. But our little secret - Red Bulls go through the system FAST. Just take the glass, PRETEND to sip at it, cross your legs and clench those inside muscles as hard as you can.

7. only listen to half the question... they really only want to hear half your answer. It's not like their attention span lasts longer than thirty seconds either. They just want to know that you can start a thought... not that you can finish a thought...and if you should lose your train of thought... huh? where was I going with that?

8. when they ask what your friends think of you, and you respond "work friends?" or "play friends?" They say both, and you tell them a whole list of things, and THEN they ask what about your other friends... ummmmm... didn't I just tell you all that? Just tell them that you're super nice AND that EVERYONE thinks that you're a pushover. Yeah, that's a great answer. Non-committal idiot who can be swayed completely from one side to the other side. Afterall, isn't that why I agreed to the interview in the first place... because I AM a pushover?

9. GUSH... I love your outfit. I love your glasses... where did you cut your hair? Your shoes are to die for... Just don't stare at the cheap suit, and don't focus on the weird little dangly thing hanging from her glasses... it's really distracting.

10. send thank you emails... take the time to personalize each one for each person that you've met. If you don't know the email address just guess. Oh, and don't forget to misspell names and mix up the mails. Send Tracy's to Grace and Grace's to Alex... oooohhhh... that just makes everything more fun...

11. skip the purse... less is more. Stuff all cell phones, credit cards, business cards, car keys, daytimers, resume copies, job description copies, pens and stacks of papers and bill receipts into your portfolio. No, the zipper will never fail you, and things WON'T go all over the floor when it bursts open. Yup... less is more...

Happy Hunting, folks! :)

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