passion...schmassion

Day 10085: Goodbye Triscuit... it's been fun...

He called himself my lover. I never really knew what to call him… friend with benefits, I guess, if I had to label it as anything. I always refused to define anything, justifying it to myself by saying that it was no one’s business but our own, and that really, it was just another label, and that it didn’t really matter whether or not he called me his girlfriend, because we were happy. We were great friends. I was happy being with him, and that was all that mattered and that it was ok that he didn’t want to commit, because I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life anyway.

Once upon a time, I thought I was one of the luckiest girls in the world… he was cool – he knew so much that I didn’t, taught me to do so much, introduced me to new things, new thoughts, new concepts. In the past year, I’ve gone mountain biking, kayaking, canoe-trip-camping, learned how to rollerblade somewhat properly, played hooky to go snowboarding, you name it, I probably did it. I had someone to hang out with, someone to climb with and rollerblade with. Someone to talk to, who was there for me when I needed someone to be there… only, he could never really tell when I needed him to be there – I always had to ask. He was kind of stubborn that way.

The one thing I never understood – why me? Of all the people he could have gone out with… been the “lover” of… why me? And so I asked him…

“I always felt really comfortable around you, you seemed to like me, and
you turned me on. Very simple. We got to know each other and had lots of fun last summer before I left. It was easy to just be ourselves. We became friends and eventually lovers. It's the lover part that is causing this trouble now. It's a fine line to cross, but so hard not to, especially when you feel really comfortable and close anyway.”

Only this time, I know – there’s no going back. I can’t and won’t change my mind again. Even if I wanted to, the “selfish” part of him won’t want anything to do with it. But, the absolute worse part is… I’m not sure I can be “just good friends” anymore.

I’m surprised we lasted as long as we did – one year, one month and 3 days. Of course, I’m the only one who remembers – he probably couldn’t care less. And because we lasted as long as we did, I allowed myself the tiniest of tiny fragment of hope. But really, deep, deep down, I knew that nothing had changed. He would never care for me the way I cared for him… never want to get married, and definitely never want to have children – not that I do either at the moment, by the way. Perhaps that’s why I procrastinated so long… I knew that even the slightest beginning of “the talk” would lead to the total annihilation of “us.”

I know now that I’ve been wrong, been blind to the situation, let my heart and my …ummm… hormones lead me where my head has always told me not to go. I drew lines, he kept stepping over them, and after a while, I didn’t really care about the lines anymore… I was happy, or so I thought. I put myself in a situation I shouldn’t have; romanticized it in my mind, saw something that didn’t exist and didn’t even have a hope of existing. I created a pseudo-Triscuit that I fell somewhat in love with. I thought, obviously erroneously, that if I could be nicer, funner, cooler, things would just fall into place… damn those Harlequins…

There are things I cannot undo. Things I’m not sure if I regret or not. But while it lasted, it was definitely the most fun I’ve ever had. There’s a part of me that would like to play the “if only” game. If only yesterday didn’t happen. If only I hadn’t gone to Lenny’s party. If only I had met him a couple of years early, or even a couple of years later… If only I hadn’t hemmed and hawed and gotten upset about other stuff. If only I wasn’t pms-ing… but fact remains… what’s done is done… the fat lady *ahem* has sung…

As per Mr. BMW… “It's not a bad dream, you've done something good for yourself. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the right thing. No, you can't take back what you said, but you also can't change someone. And deep down, you had hoped that things would change between the two of you because of the time that had passed. In the grand scheme of things, you've done something good for yourself. You've decided that you're better than this, you're worth more to someone than just a casual fling. You want and deserve something more substantial.

It does hurt, no doubt about it. But everyone hurts and it's part of the process. Trust me J, everyone gets their heart broken at least once in their life. You have, I have, your sister has. But everyone bounces back, and so will you.”

Sista says… ”Well, I think it's ABOUT TIME that you stuck up for yourself too and voiced your thoughts. I don't think he was being fair to you and he wasn't treating you as well as you should've been treated. Even though I know that you told yourself that it was ok, and that he didn't treat you POORLY, he didn't treat you WELL, either, considering your relationship, which really WAS a relationship, and not just a "good friendship" that you keep saying it is.. Anyway, I think friends help - not that you need to tell anyone at all, but it's nice to know that the support is there if you need it.”

Thanks for being here, guys.

So, no more drunken text messages, no more middle-of-the-week-spur-of-the-moment sushi picnics, no more trips to the beach house, no one to indulge my every whim and fantasy, no one to go fly a kite with me on a totally unwindy day. Damn, I’m going to miss the boy.

… well all you single guys out there… I’m available again… time to start lining up… :)