Thursday, July 29

Day 10101:  Eternity

My window overlooks a billboard advertising Calvin Klein’s Eternity.  Two very happy looking people frozen with perpetual smiles gaze lovingly at each other as if by some chance spraying on eau de toilette has given them the secret of love, life and happiness… they lie in bed, he’s got the sleepyhead-tousled-I-just-woke-up unshaven look, and she’s got the I’m-so-in-love-with-you-I-don’t-care-how-bad-your-morning-breath-is look.  I feel a little like I’m intruding in their secret little world every time I look out the window, complete with the little snickerly “hee-hee” that you sometimes get when you see two people on the subway... you know what I’m talking about.  A touch here, a stray lock of hair pushed back there, it’s refreshing in a world where everyone seems to be out for themselves.

Two people married for love; each with a history of past relationships and marriage – one ended in failure, one in circumstance.  Together forever, they sing, happy karaoking with their friends.  Karaoke because he refuses to line dance, and in wanting to spend time with him, she’s given up some of the things she once liked to do.  She brings two daughters into the family – he, two sons… a modern day Brady Bunch.  The kids get along well enough – they don’t live at home anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.  Of course, the girls are a tad more happy and supportive for the happy couple than the boys… but isn’t that always the case?

Fast forward three years.  Boys are off doing God knows what.  One had a stint as a part-time Aussie, one had a place cooking pasta at Scaramouche. Girls, oh those responsible, well-behaved, caring girls, are doing the responsible work-life balance with the occasional partying to “liven” things up a bit.  After all, girls just wanna have fun, right?  Oh, and the happy couple, well… they aren’t so happy anymore.  And really, they aren’t a couple anymore.  It’s not really a secret.  The family knows.

Two people both in their fifties, with years of supposed history and experience try to make a go at a better life together and fail.  How then, can two people in their twenties or early thirties even hope to successfully accomplish something that by all human nature is inevitably impossible?  And then still expect to provide valid “guidance” and “advice” AND expect to be taken seriously?

Am I being selfish in thinking that I want no part in it.  Up, down, upside down, it matters little what the outcome is because I want to stay as far away from it as possible.  These days I’ve been walking around like a chicken with it’s head cut off – very zombie-like, living the day in, day out, hoping that everything really does look better in the morning… word of advise, it doesn’t always.  Sometimes things look even worse.

I am going to do something to improve my situation… I’m calling in all favours, calling in all loans, paying of El Banco de Mama, finding a place on the waterfront, selling my dear, dear JP and taking control of my life.  It’s time to pull myself out of the funk – it’s not my life, it’s not my problem.  I need to be responsible for me at the moment.  Sounds selfish, I know, but I’m the only one who has to deal with the guilt.  No one else. 

Ironically, this is today’s horoscope from the Globe & Mail…

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23 – Dec. 21):  Stop rushing around and take time out to think about what you are doing and where you are going.  Sagittarius is a sign which likes to take action but action for its own sake rarely results in anything worthwhile, so slow down a bit and ponder the meaning of your existence.  There is a grand purpose, despite what the skeptics might say.

So, off I go tomorrow to ponder the meaning of my existence.  The dog and I will hop in the car and drive to parts unknown.  Where I end up, I end up… even if it’s the parking lot at the end of the street. 

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