Tuesday, November 2

day 10197: submission… second annual b-day request…

LZ – do not read until TOMORROW at MIDNIGHT!

This is the poem that’s going to win me yet another of LZ’s infamous b-day story/joke requests, of which the prize last year was a brunch of procuitto and spinach egg benedict … WHICH I HAD TO COOK!!! MYSELF!!!

“This one time, in Hong Kong, there was a monastery. They served vegetarian food.”

Alas, poor Linda, I knew her well.
A better tale, she could not tell.
Ah, how she tried, oh how she tried
But her listeners, oh how they cried.

“What wit, what wisdom” they did not say.
Instead, “Oh God, please spare us for another day!”
They begged, they pleaded for her to stop
In vain, with bribes of cherry lollipop.

The days, the years, the seasons change
And still, poor Linda, the words she could not arrange.
To make the people hear the things in her heart.
When all they did was tear her stories apart.

Remember the fifty percent rule, they used to shout
Laughing and pointing at the girl who could only pout
As she began and said, “This one time in Hong Kong…”
They interrupted… “Please don’t make this one so long”

She persevered, she persisted, she had something to say!
She didn’t care what they thought, aye or nay.
“Hilarious…” she would declare and begin a new tale.
O’er the phone, in person, mattered not…even by e-mail.

Eventually, her voice grew dim, her stories still sucked
“Oh crap,” she thought… ”Boy, am I ever fcuked.”
“I have things to say, I want them to hear…
But how, oh how when they run when I near…”

"I must have an idea, I need to develop a plan
Like that Little Engine that Could… I think I can, I think I can…
But what to say, what to do…
Crap! I need a break, I need to do a number two."

And so she thought and thought upon her stately throne
‘Til the fat lady sang, the pigs flew and the cows came home.
And still, poor Linda, she didn’t have a clue,
Of what to say, or even what she could do.

The seconds ticked, the minutes passed
Rodin’s sculpture “TheThinker” was way outclassed.
Until all of a sudden, in a flash of inspiration,
“Eureka! I’ve got it!” she yelled with determination.

Alas, poor Linda, I knew her well.
A better tale, she could not tell.
But she discovered her voice within her soul,
Instead of talking, she’s taking pictures roll upon roll.

Happy B-day LZ. May all your dreams and wishes come true… You know what I’m talking about! :)


Anonymous said...

ok, so I confess, I read this before midnight tonight... but considering that I already have the actual physical poem with illustrations, I guess it's ok!

this is sooooo awesome! you are definitely in the running for winning again (in a diff category too!). however, I do want to clarify--I only made you make the hollandaise sauce :P thanks j, you're super awesome!


schmassion said...

...that's funny... I remember wilting the spinach, scooping out the eggs, arranging everything... hmmm... i'll give you the english muffin toasting, and maybe the prosciutto whatever and the smoothie blending...

ok... so, maybe i didn't make the whole thing... just the important stuff... like the hollandaise. :)

bullpen larry said...

"Eventually, her voice grew dim, her stories still sucked"

I'm still laughing, and its been three days!

Anonymous said...

ok ok... so what will you be making this year is really the q? haha!

ahem... BL, for someone who didn't even enter the contest, I don't think you should be commenting! :P


schmassion said...

uh-oh... bullpen larry, you didn't even enter the contest???? you in the doghouse, my friend...

but hee hee... i'm still laughing at YOU laughing at "Eventually, her voice grew dim, her stories still sucked..."


bullpen larry said...

doghouse? i don't know waht that is...

don't worry, i'll be forgiven just on the basis of my charm...