passion...schmassion

day 10382: hang-ups

A couple days a month, I really hate being a girl. I hate dealing with the crampy-bloating-discomfort, hate the up-and-down-mood swings, hate the teary eyed bitch that I become. The only thing that even comes even close to appeasing me is the thought of crawling into bed with a hot water bottle, drugging myself with a handful of Advils and curling up in the fetal position, all the while praying for God to give me a quick and painless death.

Needless to say, when faced with such adversity, I lash out. I want, no, DEMAND attention. I need hugs, and kisses. I need someone to tell me how beautiful and wonderful I am, and how the world really does revolve around me. And I need this ALL THE TIME.

So when I became increasingly stumped and frustrated on a bouldering problem at the gym yesterday, I told Triscuit I needed a hug.

“What? Now? Here?”

“Yes. Now. Here.” Pout.

“Ok. Fine.” Half-hearted wimpy one armed hug… what the heck was that? Pout. “Ok, so I have a hangup about hugging in the gym. On the street, in a club, fine. But in the gym… it just feels weird.”

Whatever. I go back to bouldering, trying to figure out the green overhang problem that feels so extremely reachy to me. Being shorter and being a lot weaker doesn’t help my sloppy footwork and messy technique. Being weaker just makes me scared to try anything that will throw me off balance.

Five tries. Ten tries. I persisted. There was no way in hell that he would be able to finish that route and I would not. Take a break, he kept saying. But no. Every slip, every fall ended up with me huddled over in near tears, but again, there was no way in hell that he would see those tears fall.

And then I got it. I matched and toehooked and fought my way to the top.

Arms surrounded me. A shout of jubilant joy from him! “You got it, now that deserves a hug! See… I’m getting over my hang-ups. That was really good! Now do it again, cuz I couldn’t see what you did.”

I did it again. And then again, to prove that it wasn’t a fluke…