passion...schmassion

day 10445: i love you, but i don’t need you…

It’s done. Over. Finito.

I tried my best to love for two, but it wasn’t enough. In the end, I put my heart and soul into trying to make things work. I would have crawled to the moon and back for him if he had but asked. He would have done the same for me.

But he doesn’t love me. Correction. He loves me, but he’s not in love with me. There’s something missing, he said… spontaneity… passion even… “IT.” And without “IT” there can be no “us.” He’d be settling, and even though he doesn’t want more, he wants more. And to be honest, I can’t fault him for it. After all, life is about passion, and the search for passion…

Yes he was shallow; the reason he broke up with me was incredibly shallow. And yes, at times he was inconsiderate, disrespectful, unappreciative and egotistical, but he is, above all, human. I can’t fault him for being human. Only he can decide what the course of his life is going to be. Only he can decide what he wants from life… and he’s decided that, at the present, I’m just not it.

We agreed that I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him… and that will probably ever happen to him. We’ve discussed it time and time again. He knows he’s probably making one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but he’s willing to accept the consequences so that he can live only in the moment… no thoughts of tomorrow, no contemplation of the future.

His mother and grandmother are going to kill him. They love me.

People live, people learn, people recover and move on. I have no regrets. I loved, I lived. I’ve become a better person during the two years that we were together. I’ve grown, matured, and experienced so much more in my last two years than all the 26 before. And I like who I am. Sure, there are things to work on, but I like myself, and that’s really the important part.

Triscuit (aka Screwball, Sweetie Bum-bums, JLH), I love you with all my heart. There will always be a part of me that will never stop loving you. I only hope that I can find someone else to love just as much… because I’d hate to think that the love of my life chooses not to be with me because he refuses to grow up.

So help me God… there is no looking back this time. My heart cannot take another stomping.