passion...schmassion

day 10589: dream on…

Some days I wish I was adopted. Not because I hate my fam (because I absolutely love and adored them and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world), but more so because I hate certain aspects of my life… what it’s become… where it’s not heading… the kind of shit that you start thinking about whenever you’re about to hit another “milestone” where you’re supposed to have accomplished XYZ, but haven’t started working on X. If I was adopted this would be the perfect time for my birth-parents (actually, a secret godfather would be perfect so I could still keep my amazing fam – no hard feelings, eh?) to swoop down from behind the scenes to take me to a sparkling new penthouse condo overlooking the ocean and set me up with a trust fund that will pay for all my hobbies, and then some, so that I would never have to work again.

All the brouhaha with Monkeyco over the past few months has left me feeling rather uneasy and unsettled about my future. I know future with Monkeyco is somewhat limited seeing as how the reasons why I chose Monkeyco over alternate-Monkeyco never managed to materialize. Things got shuffled around, projects got delayed, I lost my drive and ambition to actually accomplish anything beyond surviving to 5:31… let’s just say that long-term with Monkeyco is definitely not in the cards.

Where would I go? What would I do? My history has made me somewhat uncomfortable in certain situations. My memory for accounting principles is shit. I hardly ever know what I’m doing. My once-upon-a-time encyclopedic knowledge of personal tax is no longer relevant (and of course, my memory has gone to shit). Can you see that I have somewhat of an inferiority complex when it comes to my professional life? Reality is I can hold my own, but truthfully, I am no superstar… no matter how hard I try to convince the recruiters otherwise.

It’s not enough anymore for me to live day-by-day and let things happen as they may. I’m already feeling obsolete, wallowing in self-pity. I’ve lost direction again, and lost any ability to get to where I want to go… but then again, I don’t know where I want to go anymore. I don’t even know where I am. Do I suck it up and go back to public practice, working for one of the Tra-La-La-Big-4 for another few years until my inferiority complex is blanketed (as I succumb to being yet another accountant clone), or do I hope for the best and try not to allow myself to be pigeonholed as a finance geek only capable of doing financial reporting or consolidations? Option 1 would be best for my self-confidence, but, in reality (schmassion-take-two-steps-back) this is when people are leaving the firm… not entering the firm. Would I come out only to be where I am today? Option 2… what the heck is option 2… ?

I’m lost. I’m confused.

I hate the week leading up to birthdays. I hate birthdays. I hate getting old.

Fcuk me. I'm almost thirty.

AND. I. STILL. DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. I. WANT. TO. BE. WHEN. I. GROW. UP.