day 10952: downtown girl living in an uptown world

Perhaps the one and only thing that makes me smile these mornings is waking up to the sound of the maternal one yelling "Go poo-poo... Go poo-poo... Go poo-poo..." at the dog because she doesn't want to go outside in the rain.

I kid. I kid.

I'm also smiling because Costa Rica is just around the horizon, and I can't wait to be spending some quality time with the sea turtles.

Ah, but it's good to be near grass again.

day 10951: lost in transition

My memory is spatial which means that I know where things are relative to the space around them.

Which means that ever since I cut my hair, I seem to have lost my mind.

day 10949: girl meets boy, girl likes boy… the ongoing saga continues

The hard thing about having a crush and moving forward from having a crush is that you open yourself up to rejection. It becomes a whole new game as you flirt back and forth wondering who is the braver of the two to actually say the words.

Of course, being 330 miles away doesn’t really help either, but acting like we're still in grade 9 sure does...

day 10948: blessed

If one were to measure wealth in terms of friendship, I would rank right up there with the Bill Gates of the world. My friends are amazing and wonderful beyond words, going to the extreme to make this a birthday to remember.

This week, I’ve been wined, dined, kidnapped, and surprised more than ever before. It started with an AYCE sushi extravaganza, ended with a private magic show and somewhere in between I was stuffed into a car, driven to Niagara and put ontop a mechanical bull. It’s been fantastic.

Thank you for making this one of the best birthday weeks of my life. I am truly blessed by having the best friends in the world.

(Details and pictures to come... as soon as they send them to me.)

day 10947: I *heart* my grandmother

My grandmother worries about me. She worries that I work too hard, and worries that I’m not getting out enough. She worries that I’m not meeting any new people, and that I’m slowly become a spinster because no man wants an aging asian girl who’s got bigger biceps than he.

Of course this being the weekend before I turn 30 (*egad*) and me being her only single grandchild over the age of 18 (quite possibly her ONLY single grandchild actually), her poor heart has been in palpitations over the uncertainty of my future. She really, REALLY wants a man in my life to take care of me and can’t accept my arguments that I’ve done a rather fine job (if I do say so myself) of taking care of myself. As usual, she not so subtly prys into the state of my singleton status.

[ed note: Every time we’re together and out of protective earshot of the maternal one, she brings up the subject of men and how to find one. Let me tell you, she really digs the whole set-up process and still really digs the one that she “found” a few months earlier (i.e. my cousin’s friend who is a good few years younger than I, who I have met before, and suspect to this day that my cousin already tried to set us up without me knowing). And contrary as I am, I have a slight aversion to the whole setup process, especially if my family is involved… no offense (thank you for trying), but I like to do things my own way, and in my own time.]

I’ve come to expect her questions, and usually temper my answers with as much humour as I can muster in my miserable Cantonese. I tell her that I’m working too hard to date anyone, that I’m not into asian boys, that I’m trying to find myself, and occasionally ask if it would it be okay if I didn’t end up married like everyone else in the family because I’m thinking of becoming a nun and joining a monastery (whoops… nunnery) even though I’m agnostic and nonreligious. I tell her that I’m thinking of moving to a beach somewhere and giving into the whole free-love movement (albeit belated) and just living with a couple of men and my dog for the rest of my life.

Either my Cantonese really sucks or she ignores me, but she continues telling me how worried she is about me, and how she goes to church to pray for me and my future husband… and that my future husband will find me soon.

So this time I did the unthinkable. I gave her hope.

I told her about boy-who-will-not-yet-be-named and the giant crush that I have on said boy-who-will-not-yet-be-named. I answered her twenty questions on who, what, when, where, how, asian/not-asian, professional/not-professional, mutual/not-mutual, blah blah blah…

She thinks I should aggressively pursue (aka borderline stalk) this one. He sounds that good (on paper). She asked for his name so that she can start praying for him too. I've saved myself for the time being, but the poor boy, what have I gotten him into?

Thank goodness, she hasn't been exposed to the powers of the Internet...

day 10946: time to pull up my fuzzy red socks, and take it in the ass like a man

Stress is character building. Bring it on. Bring it on.

I need a drink. And a cookie.

day 10944: ya know that feeling...

...the can't eat, can't sleep, hit a homerun out of the park kinda feeling... I've got it.

I'm crushing, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. (It's fun!)

Now someone help me wipe this stupid grin off my face. People are starting to notice.

day 10943: oblivious

Around 6 this evening, my coworker asked if I had heard a strange noise. I had my earphones on and my music playing and hadn't heard anything unusual. There's always construction noise and street noise around.

We brushed it aside and continued wrapping things up for the night.

Fifteen minutes later as we headed out for dinner, we stopped at a traffic light to let two bicycle cops ride by. We made a comment about how they get so little respect, and continued on our way.

I just found out that there had been a shooting. As many as ten shots fired, only half a block from my office.

day 10941: trying to get in touch with my inner child

I baked cupcakes for the monkeyco children's Christmas party. I got a little ahead of myself and baked some chocolate shiraz ones for the adults.

Note to self... never bake anything with alcohol for a children's Christmas party. When you're busy facepainting the little rugrats, the VP HR's kids will go and grab the wrong cupcake.

day 10937: ugly

I got into a shouting match with a guy on the street yesterday. I probably shouldn't have given him the time of day, but I was already in a shitty mood, and he called me ugly and insulted my intelligence.

Oh, and I was slightly tipsy, and pissed that I screwed up something at work that morning.

day 10935: kaboom

Take a good look at the picture. The burgundy blobs are streetcars, the blue blog is a pickup truck, the white blob with the red line is a police car (with the lights flashing) and the other white blob is a cargo van.

Here are the facts. It was a bright and sunny morning, and I was rushing to get to work on time. The drive downtown was surprisingly fast, but only because all the lazy ass government workers and the bank employees get the day off. I’m only slightly bitter because I was supposed to have the day off as well, but damn monkeyco…

Sorry, I’ll stick to the facts.

The lights at intersection X and Y were out. All the cars were treating it like a four way stop. The streetcar going East was stopped, the one coming West wasn’t quite at the intersection yet, but had started to slow down. Me. I was jaywalking as usual – see me in the NE corner? I’d wave, but I’m rushing to get to work on time.

Four way stop. Blue pickup truck started to go. I started walking across. I was looking at the police car (with the lights flashing) and wondering why the guy sitting in the front of the car isn’t directing traffic. It’s not an overly heavy intersection, but there are a lot of crazies out there. And they all wear hospital gowns with the back flapping open…

Sorry, I’ll stick to the facts.

Blue pickup truck (actually it was black, but it wouldn’t have shown up as well in my picture) was going through the intersection. (At this point, I was halfway across the street.) When all of a sudden, KABOOM!! White cargo van didn’t realize that the lights at intersection X and Y were out, and decides to drive right through… and right into Blue/Black pickup truck.

[I’ll insert note here that everyone seemed to be ok because they were able to get out of the car and yell at each other.]

[I’ll also note here that real car accidents are never as KABOOOMISH as the movies make them out to be. It’s more of a CRUNCH really, than a KABOOM.]

It took a few moments, I think, for people on the street to get over the surprise. The police car (still with lights flashing) drove up to the *scene* of the accident (i.e. all 20 ft) and parked his car halfway in front of the streetcar and halfway in the lane of the westbound going traffic… i.e. in the middle of the other streetcar’s tracks. So, not only did he block the eastbound streetcar, he also blocked the westbound streetcar. On Queen Street - in the middle of rush hour. Way to go, Joe. Gold star for you.

So here’s what I’m wondering (and have been all day):

1) Why wasn’t the policeman directing traffic?
2) Why was he just sitting in the car?
3) Why did he have to block BOTH streetcar tracks?
4) If I had actually voted in the municipal elections today instead of blogging this, could we have had a more competent police force?

Sadly, the only one of my questions that I can answer is #4.

day 10934: why?

Tell me again, why. Why did I give up a life I loved? Why did I give up living in a place I loved? For what did I give up myself, my soul, my own sense of being?

Sure, I was still lost most of the time; bumbling around a life I was unsure of and not quite so happy with. But at least I had a choice, and at least I felt like I was free. At least I was happy with where I was living.

And now, almost thirty, back living at home with “mom” after being on my own for almost eleven years, laughing at myself with the others that tease me, but crying myself to sleep at night. It’s been almost two months and, no, I’m still not used to it. It is killing me, slowly, everyday that I am here.

I’ve tried to be positive. I’ve tried to embrace the whole new lifestyle load of crap. I’ve tried taking the subway, and commuting with hundreds of other faceless, emotionless clones who run because they want to catch the freaking train. I’m not like that. I’m not one of them.

The party line is that I’m trying to save up money to buy my own place. Bullshit.

I’m here because her tenant moved out, and she made a fuss about selling the house because she’d be living here alone. Yes, I gave in to the guilt. I am asian, afterall. I was born with guilt. There is a timeline of a year, but I honestly don’t think I’ll last that long. Another two months at most. It’s already a day to day struggle.

Fuck anyone who tells me to suck it up and just do it because I’m “saving money.” I’m not saving any money by living here. After rent and incidentals, I’m saving $60 a month. That’s all. Sixty fucking dollars that I have to spend taking a cab home on a Saturday night because I no longer live 15 minutes away from anywhere I want to be.

Fuck anyone who tells me to grow up, suck it up and just tough it out for the year. You have no idea what it's like, and you have no idea what I've given up. Because, fuck you, you're not here.

day 10931: perspective

I hate agressive downtown cabdrivers that make me incredibly paranoid when I'm on my bike.

I am incredibly thankful for agressive downtown cabdrivers when I'm trying to make it home from work by midnight.

day 10930: november something or rather

I missed all the Davinci Code hype this past year. I read the book a year and a half too early, and by the time the movie came around, I didn't feel like paying to see the movie.

I think I'll rent the dvd when it comes out.

day 10929: signs

If you pay attention, you find that life has patterns. A year ago, it was all about coincidences and perfect timing. A week ago, it was about food and gluttony. Today, it's about Jordan, Ontario, a place I didn't know existed until yesterday.

None of the patterns were particularly important, but it begs the question... if I pay attention, what is the world trying to tell me?

day 10928: nightmares

Three nights ago, my work was in shambles and I couldn't figure out how to balance my financial statements and my leadsheets. I quit my job and went to a university in the middle of nowhere bordered by a lake and a lot of flat land covered in golden wheat. There was a small town nearby with a red 1800's style house, and I kept having to drive to and from it dropping people off.

Two nights ago, my life was in shambles and my boss yelled at me for something that wasn't really my fault, but really was at the same time. I think I cried. I went on vacation to a seaside resort where Italian men held impromptu horse races on the beach. A Mexican restaurant was upstairs from the condo I was staying in and the clouds billowed like crazy. Then my boss called to yell at me some more, so I pulled on a pair of rubber boots and went wading in the water. The sky was blue and one of my teeth fell out (I dream a lot about my teeth falling out).

One night ago, my mom had cancer, she adopted a family of cats (two of which turned on and ate half of another one - blood and gore everywhere), then adopted 5 more cats. We ran for our lives and watched as a group of ninjas macheted POWs, but we saved ourselves by dressing as Red Cross workers and hiding amongst a group of nuns. We then moved to a pretty cool loft made for a really tall person, so that I had to hike myself up onto the counter just to reach the sink. There was a giant fishtank with a girl swimming in it all the time.

The vividness of my dreams led me to realize:

1. No more oysters before bed
2. No more heavy meals and lots of sugar before bed
3. No more falling asleep with the television on
4. Work is killing me and I can never get away from it
5. Toronto has no good Mexican food
6. I'm allergic to cats even in my dreams
7. I keep dreaming about that university, but I've never been there
8. I'm always the designated driver
9. I really like living on the water
10. I need to get out more
11. I dream in Technicolour

day 10926: 3030303030303030303030303030303030

I wonder sometimes if I stay because I am lost. Things have changed, what once was is now no more. One foot in front of the other, living life a breath at a time, not thinking, not reacting, just existing.

Merely existing, and not living.

Wasting space, wasting time, wasting a life that someone else would be envious of, and yet, I make no move to change.

Thirty days until I turn thirty.

day 10925: i pray to all that is holy that i was never like this...

auditor: So can you explain why your cash has gone up?
schmassion: No. Just look at the cash flow statement. That's why it's there.
auditor: Um. Can you explain it to me?
schmassion: I've already summarized everything for you. There's nothing else that happened that isn't already on there.
auditor: Um. Can you just walk me through it?
schmassion: Basically, you want me to read it to you?
auditor: Um. Yeah.

~

auditor jr: That's not my job.
auditor sr: Yes it is.