day 11823: too cool for school

Over the past months, people from my past have been popping up in my inbox unexpectedly. "Reunion this, get together that, network now... haven't seen you 5, 10, 15 years, wouldn't it be great to get together and catch up?"

Um, no.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there's a reason you don't know anything about me anymore. And quite frankly, just because you found someone from Junior Kindergarten on Facebook does not mean that the rest of the Kindergarten graduating class is interested in knowing what you've been up to... even if you do have six kids from seven different dads cuz you can't figure out who fathered #4..

No offense, but if I was really interested in keeping in touch, I would have texted, called or emailed sometime in the past year or two. And if you haven't heard from me, well, I have a wierd thing where I'm emotionally distant and completely uninterested in people from my past (no matter how much you meant to me at that brief moment in time).

Blame pms, blame age, blame my new-found sobriety and hence bitterness (just joking, duh), but what's done is done. I've moved on and so should you. So please, while I think it's great that you're trying to keep a grasp onto our quickly fading youth, know this... I'M TOO COOL FOR YOU.

Just joking. Truth is, I don't really care.

ps. Facebook stalking and trying to find me through friends of friends of friends and then getting "common" friends to email me for my contact info... yo, that just ain't cool.

day 11281: it's like I have esp...

Getting ready to go to Medieval Times tonight, I dumped out all the contents of my wallet looking for the $10 off coupon clipped from the newspaper a couple of weeks ago and made a mental note to put the wallet back in my purse, lest I lose it amongst the week of newspapers I flipped through trying to find a replacement coupon.

Well, mental notes don't work. I forgot my wallet, discovered my lack of credit cards and ID while we were standing in line, and had to ask the birthday girl if it was okay if I charged the night to her.

Lucky for us, our ticket teller was a young impressionable boy, and wasn't one of those bitchy girls who play by the rules. A wink and a flirt later, we were cheering for our knight in shining armor.

day 11276: find your muse, find your voice

Now auditioning for a muse. Email me for details.

day 11274: dumbledore is gay?

Who knew!

day 11271: just another day in paradise

QWW: read this

*click*

QWW: Liberator Sex Ramp??? Do I want to know what this is?
Schmassion: "Alcohol helps a lot with women, it smoothes things over"
QWW: Alcohol helps with a lot more...
Schmassion: There's images of the liberator sex ramp... do I want to click on that?
QWW: I didn't dare after Spandexman. I've had my fill for one day
I'll have a look at home, safer

*click*
*AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Schmassion: Stupid me. I thought they'd just show the ramp... not people using it.
QWW: OMG
Schmassion: Traumatized.
QWW: Are you for real??????
Schmassion: So very traumatized.

day 11269: i interrupt this program with something a little more serious and a whole lot more scary

Late Saturday night, ICBBQ and I were driving through the Sketchnex on the way home from the country bar when we encountered a couple of teenage punk kids running in and out of traffic, weaving amongst the oncoming cars. They were shouting at each other and other pedestrians were yelling at them.

I drove slowly, knowing that sooner or later, they would stagger intoxicated into my path. One kid ran in front of my car. I braked hard to avoid the one running after him and thumped a long angry blast of my horn.

As our car crept by the kid I almost hit, I looked at him, and saw out of the corner of my eye that he was holding a knife... I did a double take. Sure enough, the guy was holding a knife and running after someone. Scary.

ICBBQ called 911, told them what we saw, and I drove away.

day 11267: who’s reality is it anyway?

Occasionally I’ll go a phase of watching a lot of one show. At the moment, it’s Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. It’s hilarious and quirky, and damned if I haven’t learned a lot from watching this family’s version of reality:

Take the risk. Commitment isn’t everything. Capital is everything. Laughter and humour is more important than capital, but capital still is everything.

day 11266:: who would’a thunk

Out of the blue one day, I get a message to check out someone’s flickr photostream. I click on and HOLY SMOKES! Serious Boy married in Vegas by ELVIS(!!) to the girl he met off craigslist!

Wow. If that don’t beat all. Congrats!

day 11264: it's not me, it's you

schmassion: Dudie pisses me off. Maybe I have piss-me-off disorder

QWW: If there isn't one yet, you can invent it

schmassion: Yeah, I seem to attract the people who piss me off... must be my pheromones.

QWW: Lol, they are drawn to your charms... like dudie... and the twit... and PC

schmassion: Must be my cute smile and the clueless twinkle in my eyes.

day 11258: feet stomping fun times with food poisoning

bug, bug, bug, bug ... right-two, left-two, right, left, right, left ... skip forward on right, skip forward on left, sway, sway ... skip backward on right, skip backward on left, sway, sway ... step and rock to right, step and rock back, step forward on right and half turn to left, stomp right, stomp left ... vine to the right, hop back-front-back-front ... vine to the left, hop back-front-back-front ... tap right foot twice, tap left foot twice, stomp right, stomp left, hip thrust x2 ...

Maybe I'm slightly delirious... maybe I'm not... ;)

day 11255: should've known

Everything was going so damned peachy until the maternal one said "You've gained weight. It shows."

Whooo hooo! Here comes the Tyrolean Death Spiral back into depression.

Thanks Ma. You rock.