Friday, November 14

Day 9842: The beginning of a new era...almost

Ok, so I'm going to go out on a limb here and reach out and pat my own back. Totally non-techie me has figured out how to play around with the little sidebar thingys. Even managed to add that little 'contact me' linky-thing all by myself! Yay! Hey - not bad coming from someone who barely knows how to use email (memories of frantic phone calls trying to recall erroneously sent messages with BAD content are coming to mind...). Only thing that pisses me off is that I can't figure how to recover something that I saved but didn't post/publish. Whatever... no complaints, I can manage. Next project - figure out how to set up the little comments thing.

There's something about blogging that is definitely therapeutic. Once I've started, I just want to do more of an obsession or a compulsion to log every waking moment. Ha ha, funny though... by the time I've logged on, I've usually forgotten what I wanted to say. I guess I'm all about the instant gratification. Sending my thoughts and feelings out into the great unknown... a little scary, I admit. Don't know who will read it, don't know what people are going to do with it. Actually, don't really even care. If you want to read it, fine. If you don't want to read it, that's fine, too. Once it's out there, my job is done. Do what you will - just don't be too harsh.

Ok, enough with the sappy songs, and the stupid boy band singing about crying himself to sleep. I don't think I've done that in a long, long time. At least not since my dad died. Omg, it's coming up 9 years. Time flies when you're not paying attention. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I've forgotten that it happened and I'll really want to tell him something. Then I remember and the day just goes downhill from there. I hate days like that. Those are the days that I don't want to leave my bed - just huddle in the darkness and wait for a better day to come along. People say it does...eventually...

Triscuit said a couple of weeks ago that I was a strong person because I don't show a lot of emotions - I don't think so. Just because I don't cry in public and I don't like to make a scene does not make me a strong person. I cry every time I see the Range Rover commercial where they stop the car to pick up the wet dog. I've even cried at the silly cute little pigs on the Telus print ads, for goodness sakes. I think, rather, that I am actually a weak person... at least very, very weak willed. I'm always the one who gives into temptation first. Hmmm... funny about that - it gets me into trouble a lot. That and my big mouth and my little brain. Somehow my brain and my mouth do not communicate very well. What comes out of my mouth is not necessarily what goes through my head. Just ask Triscuit...he thinks I'm an airhead. I'm not. Maybe that's why I usually prefer to communicate by emailing or sms'ing.

SUG keeps calling. He left a message yesterday, and he called again today. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I think I've complained about it to everyone under the sun. Never dealt with anything like this before - something totally new to me. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but truly, honestly, there's nothing there. No hard feelings, SUG, but I don't feel the same way. I've tried to tell you, but you won't take the hint. I haven't returned your calls. I haven't even picked up your calls. Granted, it was never on purpose, and had my phone actually rang, or had I not been in a dead zone, or had I not been having dinner with someone else, I probably would have picked up. But a part of me is glad that I didn't. Not in a place in my life where I want to start something like that. I'm just not ready - I still want to have fun for a little while longer. I feel really mean. I don't like this feeling. There's too much guilt. Maybe I should join a nunnery - but I'm not Catholic. Is that a problem?

Am I a nice person? I ask myself that constantly. I never want to hurt anyone... never want to cause anyone even the slightest bit of pain. And yet, I know that sometimes I do. The parental units, the sista... I have a temper sometimes. Especially if I'm stressed or frustrated. I take them for granted and throw their love in their faces. But time and time again, they forgive me and welcome me back with open arms. *sniff* waterworks again. Here I go...

To the people I love... my family, my friends. I am nothing without you. Every day I thank God that I was fortunate enough to have met you, to have shared in your experiences, and to be able to share my life with you. Each of you have taught me something that I will carry with me throughout my life...something that helps me to be a better person...something that hopefully, I will be able to share with someone else one day. There are many different degrees of love, but what I feel for each of you is different and unique unto your own. Though I may sometimes be short-termpered, and maybe seem a little distant, I don't mean to be. My self-obsession causes me to be preoccupied with my own thoughts. If I forget to tell you one day that I love you, does not mean that I don' just means that tomorrow I'll love you more, and the next day even more than tomorrow.

Ok, so the sappy songs and the confessions have gotten to me... serious waterworks now. I think I'm going to cry myself to sleep. Stay tuned, my friends - more to come when I wake up and the day actually begins. This time tomorrow, I'll be Dallas in a real western bar riding a freaking mechanical bull... here's looking at you kid.

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