Thursday, November 20

Day 9848: Rewind button.

Have you ever wished that you could rewind your life? Go back to that certain day you remember when everything was turned upside down and life as you knew it ceased to exist. Have you ever said or done something that you knew was for the better, yet kicked yourself for having done it... or better yet, wanted to kick yourself for being in the position in the first place. Whoever said that having a conscience was a good thing, obviously hasn't met mine.

My conscience. Four of the most beautiful women I have ever met - well-meaning, loving, caring to a degree that anyone with half a brain cell would envy. They watch over me, take care of me, and try to guide me to the appropriate path. And I listen - because they love me, take care of me, and are there for me. And for that, they will have my undying love and loyalty forever. But part of me wishes that I didn't listen to them on one issue recently... that I could have kept blundering in the darkness just having fun, and not emerge into the land of the knowing (even though, subconciously, I did know that it wasn't right and I was just fooling myself into acceptance). And so, if I could please press the rewind button and turn the clock back, I want to relive a couple of days knowing what I know now.

November 17, 2002: my sister made me wear makeup. I hardly ever used to wear makeup. I very firmly believe that it was the makeup and redbull vodkas that began the trend of upheaval that has been my life for past year. If I could go back, I would say no to the makeup. I probably would have passed on the party too. Always follow your gut instincts.

June 17, 2003: I shouldn't have changed my mind. Like I've said before, I give into temptation way too easily. I was tempted, and I gave in... kinda, sorta. Yeah...

November 3, 2003: I tried to make things right. Didn't want to feel guilty anymore, like I was doing something wrong, even though I really wasn't. But it feels more wrong now than it feels right. Why? Darn conscience. Why did you have to put thoughts into my head. I could have been happy not dealing with reality... could have gone on forever... well, almost. Not really.

November 6, 2003: Changed my mind again...kinda, sorta. Fooled myself into listening to KC and fooled myself again. Nothing happened, but it's out there, and can't be retracted. Me, my big mouth and my bigger foot.

song stuck in my usual...diamond rio....

later gators...

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