passion...schmassion

Day 10072: The Dark Side...

There are days where I hate myself. Hate how I look. Hate how I feel. Hate how my allergies have turning me into a flakey green swamp monster from some cheap-low-budget-non-Hollywood-made-for-late-night-tv film. Hate how my life has turned out. Hate how I unconsciously decided to ignore all of my friends and family, and essentially sequester myself in Hamilton. Hate how I don't fit in at work. Hate how I can't seem to do anything productive while I'm there, and end up doing dick-all for the week, and will have to work the weekend to "catch up" and can't go camping. Hate how today is one of those days.

I saw a picture of myself today. Clicked on Steve's Rubber Duckies site, saw the jelly flop arms and beer belly gut, saw pictures from the same time last year, and hated myself. I had won the battle, but not the war, and when the battle was over, I forgot about the war. Kept forgetting that if I went back to my old habits, the battle would have to be refought again, and again. I am UG-ly, and I am fat. I can't keep up with anyone on rollerblades and can't really blame it on my almost-ten-year-old blades. I look hideous in a bikini - why didn't anyone tell me. The truth hurts, but not as much as knowing that it's captured on film forever AND posted on the Internet for the world to see.

I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought I could be one of those people who let their friends slide to the side when they're seeing someone. Yet, it's happened. Things happened. I find out about my sister's life through my friends who apparently spend a lot more time talking/im'g with her than I do. But then, I don't even know what's going on with my friends these days either. Between Triscuit, the new job and all the family drama over the past couple of months, I've lost touch with people. Lost touch with myself. Can't seem to sort out my own priorities anymore.

I wish things were what they were last summer. This sucks...