day ?????: the annual pre-birthday roundup

It's been a while, my friends... it's been a while since the voices inside my head demanded to be heard. Ok, there aren't any actual voices in my head, but still what can I say?

In typical Schmassion fashion, come birthday time every year I start thinking about where I've been, where I'm going and what the heck I want to be when I grow up. This year has been one big adventure and I only hope that some of the adventures that I've had can be repeated in years to come. It's been a humbling experience with a steep, steep learning curve and I only thank the great beyond that I've come out relatively unscarred.

It's been a year of decisions and a year of changes - even if just small things like my outlook on life and the mindset with which I approach things. I'm no longer stuck in my ways and look at people and things for the possibilities that they hold. I'm hopeful for the future... no longer bitter about the past. It's about time, eh?

So, to recap:
- minor fame, even more minor fortune
- happy, sappy
- busy, busy
- made time to date
- opened up possibilities to who I date
- made time not to date and to take care of myself
- accepted the world for what it is
- accepted monkeyco for the money it gives
- learned to accept people for who they are and not who they were

What's to come for year 34, no one knows, but I'm really hoping French Laundry has a cancellation come Christmas/New Year's and that the Sista's little wee one-to-come emerges healthy and hearty. Oh, and a little more fame and a little more fortune for me wouldn't hurt either.

Cheers to me. almost 34. that's old. fuck.

it's october. in 2 weeks, i head out to one of the craziest things that will ever happen to me in my life. already offshoots are starting to happen and i'm not prepared for this. i'm just a simple girl with simple desires who likes simple things.

adios reality.

day 12261: harper's hullabuloo

Should be working on a cake, but watching Marine One, decoy & other military helicopters fly by my window. Never seen so many helicopters in my life... Motorcades coming eastbound on the Gardiner? Strange...

Have cp24 on in the background. Things looks like they're starting to get rough over there... drat - have to find a way around the perimeter and through the protestors tonight. Looking forward to it.

day 12240: one eighty...

I've spent so many years trying to hide my real self on the net that it scares me half to death that I'm now google-able. But hey, if lowering my standards, pimping myself out and joining stalkerbook helps me sell more cakes, then I'm going to do it. Ugh.

day 12235: vacation over... back to reality

When life gets really busy, I spend so much of my energy just trying to survive that I lose track of what is truly important. I feel guilty, but when I realize that we're all frantically paddling just to keep our heads above water I don't feel as bad.

A week of sun, fun and excessive amounts of sleep... now I'm recharged and ready to conquer the world.

day 12193: disappointment

Perhaps I was too cocky... perhaps I was too confident... perhaps I thought I had it in the bag and didn't go that extra mile.

2 major disappointments within one weekend, but of course, nothing I can't handle. It just makes me want to try harder next time...

day 12173: i've been doing a lot of writing... just not here

It's more difficult being honest to one's self than to be honest to someone else. I've realized recently that I lie to myself an awful lot and that until I start admitting the truth to myself, my life is always going to be a continuous circle of confusion.

day 12155: so maybe i am a little too excited

Subject: Yayayya!

me: Reservation made!! We're sitting at the sushi bar! :)
sista: haha. is this the place with the hot sushi chef? haha.
me: no comment. why would you think that?
sista: It was the double ya on the "yayayya" that gave it away ;)
wscus: That's funny - plus were sitting at the sushi bar :)
sista: Exactly! (Double wink!) ;) ;)
me: It's all about the food. :) :)
cusbo: eye candy isn't real food.

day 12153: I chose to be tired. I chose to be resentful.

Choice… one little word with so much meaning. Sure, everyone knows they have a choice in what they do and how they live their lives, but do they recognize that everything they do, they do because they made a choice?

Accountability, responsibility… acceptance of the choice, it’s too easy to pass things off as “I didn’t want to, I had to, or I was backed into a corner and forced to do it.” Who held a gun to your head and who made the decision for you? Betcha a hundred million buckaroos no one did. It was all you, sucka.

An idea so simple, yet so profound, I almost kicked myself when I figured it out. Things don’t just happen to me or to anyone else. Most things are within our realm of control and are direct results of things where we made a conscious or subconscious decision. And if I actively take responsibility for the choices that I made, make or will make, my outlook on things are completely different.

It’s no longer I’m so tired I could cry. Why won’t people stop with their asinine demands? Now, it’s become I chose to take on a bunch of crazy projects even though I knew it was going to be a crazy hectic time at work for me. I chose to be busy because I know this will lead to something bigger and better. I’m super tired and it’s okay because I knew I would be coming in to this and I made a choice. And talking myself through that makes things start to feel a little bit better and a little bit lighter.

It’s hard to remember to apply this consistently to everything. I still find myself grumbling with stress almost as much as I used to, but letting go of negativity and letting go of things is slowly getting easier. I find myself being at peace a lot more, happier in my day to day and when I remember to talk myself through this, I’m a heck of a lot less complain-y.

Oh, and I hate people a lot less. That’s a good thing.

day 12148: taming the brat

The brat and I have been going to yet another round of obedience school. It's not that she doesn't know what is wanted from her, she does. She's just a stubborn crazy dog who'd rather spend her day hiding under the bed than to face a 5 minute car ride to the beach.

Bribes aside, it was pretty ironic that at the last class, she was the superstar heeler and the dunce at sitting still.

day 12138: GO CANADA GO!!!

Whiskey was a nervous wreck during the gold medal hockey game!

day 12136: why?

This past week, a number of people asked me why I tend to be harder on potential suitors than on people who are already part of my life and commented that if I were to be as easy-going with suitors-to-be, my success rate at finding someone would be a lot higher.

Good point, I always replied. I never had an answer to the question. I didn’t realize that I was harder on them. But really, shouldn’t the person I end up with be the absolute best person for me? And in order to find that person, shouldn’t I be a little more selective in the process?

I’ve been mulling it over and the reasons I came up with are pretty lame. Many of them have to do with my own insecurities and fears. Some of them have to do with stupidity (both his and mine) and some are just based on some deep rooted sense of self-protection stemming from the same insecurities and fears. But the reason that bothers me most, however, is that I’m starting to think that I’m waiting for the proverbial lightning bolt.

Maybe I’ve been reading too many “relationship” articles on the web, or maybe I’m just waiting for someone to make an impressive gesture. Who knows? All I really want to know is can I even be called picky if I don’t even have a tick-list of requirements? Or is having no tick-list another way that I subconsciously run away from the issue?

Or will my gut kick in and I’ll automatically know that one day I’ll be head-over-heels for someone I just met? That’s only happened once and I never saw him again.

day 12133: all my ducks in a row

For the first time in a long time, I went to bed feeling happy and content. At first I didn’t recognize the emotion. It was an eerie calm. I lay in bed with the brat’s head on my shoulder and whispered my secrets into her ears. She stared at me with her soulful brown eyes and licked my chin every once in a while as if to tell me that she understood what I was saying. The events of the day retreated into the grey of the night and all my problems seemed so very far away. All was good in my little world.

I had made a list of things I wanted to accomplish and one-by-one, I ticked them off. Bookshelves, closets and storage organized. Money matters resolved. Life matters on the way to being sorted out… all that remains now is to take down the star-lights and dismember the tent that I set up in my spare room for the kiddies. And then on to the next project.

day 12132: makes for a nice rom-com, eh?

Once upon a time, there was a guy who had a crush on a girl. Girl wasn’t supposed to know about the crush, found out anyway and did absolutely nothing because hey, she didn’t even know the guy.

Poor guy. :(

Guy moves on but for some reason the girl doesn’t.

Poor girl. :(

Ending needs work, but at least there’s a beginning.

day 12129: perhaps not as lost as I think I am

There’s no question that I live a life full of befuddlement. I’ve never known exactly what I want out of life. I putter and bounce around from one activity to the next, pick up hobbies and drop them just as quickly. A lot of my hobbies revolve(d) around sports and physical activities and a lot of them do (did) not. And that is sometimes really fun. Occasionally it isn’t as much fun, especially on those days that I feel goal-less and don’t know where I’m headed.

The past little while, I’ve been feeling a lot more lost and confused than usual. All sports and most physical activities are on hold until further notice (damn torn ligaments in both ankles), which leaves me with an extraordinary amount of time for self-pity, overeating and contemplation. I tried to fill in the hole with baking/caking classes and other non-strenuous activities (i.e. Olympics watching), but it only delayed finding the solution. Booking my calendar full of dinners and doggie play-dates wasn’t the solution I was looking for. All it did was to make time go by.

And so a couple of weeks ago I started seeing a life coach. I’ve been told what to do for so long that I need someone to tell me how to find myself again. I can’t do it on my own. I realize that, and I fully admit that. I need an independent person to help me identify my values and my strengths and to help me figure out what is it I really dream to be.

Two weeks into a ten week session and things aren’t that much clearer (not that it’s meant to be an instant fix). I still have no idea what I want to achieve with my life, but I’ve learned a fair bit about myself. I value creativity, beauty and achieving results. I don’t like wasted effort and I want to be recognized for investing my time and effort into projects. Money isn’t super important to me, but I need security. I also have a need to be authentic, to use my own voice and to be independent in a lot of things.

I learned that I have to start putting myself as a priority and to stop letting other people have as much of a say or input in what I do or don’t do. And that by giving others this power over me and the ability to censor me, I’m just doing more damage to myself and echoing their negativity in my head where I should be encouraging myself to follow the things that make me happy.

Good in theory, but what about in practice?

In all my bouncing around, there have only been a few things that I’ve felt remotely passionate about. Climbing came and went, and maybe, hopefully one day I’ll get back into it, but it’s has a finite life and my body is too out of sorts to even contemplate making a comeback. The other two things that have stuck with me are this blog (six and a half years) and the cakes (3 years maybe?). I keep waiting for the phase to end, for me to drop the blog and the cakes completely, but it has yet to happen, and that makes me think that maybe, just maybe I’ve actually been doing what I dreamed of doing all along.

So over the next little while, I’m going to write a little more, cake a little more and work on finding my own voice and developing my own style. Not that I’m looking for fame and fortune, I just have to be happy with what I do (and I’m pretty darn happy about some things that I’ve done). I almost feel like my passion is found.

Almost.

day 12115: something nice and fluffy on a friday afternoon

... the fridge conversation between the maternal one, uncle t. and myself after the Brat ate a third of a block of butter...