Monday, September 3

day 11227: i interrupt this program with a special message from your sponsors

Dear Interweb.

I thought you and me, we were friends. I thought I could be honest with you and tell you my deepest, darkest secrets. Obviously, I was wrong.

Perhaps one day I'll be honest with you again, but I think not, seeing as how I'm still experiencing the repercussions of the last time I was honest with you. So instead, back to your regular scheduled programming of "Schmassion Brand Self-Deprecating Humour".

Because if I can't laugh at myself, what else can I laugh at? Everything else has been taken away.

On the fence,

Schmassion.

Tuesday, August 28

day 11221: if I was to ever post a w4m posting in craigslist, this'd be it

Make my sister’s dreams come true! - w4m - 30

The other night my sister had a dream about “my boyfriend.” Seeing as how my sister has never showed any previous psychic tendencies, I’m willing to explore the possibility that she might indeed have ESP.

To qualify for consideration, you must be all of the following:

- a surfer
- Canadian
- a super nice guy
- blond
- smart
- adventurous
- really hot
- going to Costa Rica in September (to go surfing... of course)


Help me make my sister’s dreams come true… or explain to her fiancé why she’s dreaming about strange super hot, blond surfers.

So, what do you say? Do you really exist?

Sunday, August 26

day 11219: me and my addictive personality...

Isn't it funny that they make games like
Trauma Center and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney for the Nintendo DS, but there's no such game as Morty Schwartz: Crack Auditor or Freddy Fingers Cooks the Books.

'Cuz you know, there's a whole big bunch of us DS'ers that would just totally rock those games.

Monday, August 20

day 11213: two things i really really really like!!!!

EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and


Now you can stare at her all day too.

Sunday, August 19

day 11212: confessions of a youtube addict

I'm addicted to youtube...

In the past half a day, I've watched everything from Andy Lau music videos, Hannah Montana excerpts, and DIY cake decorating videos. Yay.

I'm also procrastinating and should probably be working. Can you tell?

Tuesday, August 14

day 11207: fourscore and what feels like seven years ago

A hundred and six days ago, I woke up not knowing that by the end of the day, I would sign my life away as an impending homeowner. Let me rephrase that... three and half months ago, I had no idea that I would impulsively put an offer on a condo that I found off Craigslist.

~

"Craigslist?" you ask. "You've never once mentioned anything about Craigslist."

You're right, of course. I haven't. I've never once talked about how my life revolves around Craigslist, how I've done almost everything through Craigslist; everything from renting out other people's properties and buying my bike, everything falling just short of finding a date on Craigslist. (Not that there's anything wrong with that... ahem... It's just not my style.)


~

I've digressed. Back to my story.

The condo was listed as a 2 bedroom, waterfront unit, facing north onto the downtown core (forgive me if this is not verbatim). A corner unit with a bright airy living space, one would simply fall in love with it upon entering (ok, I'm exaggerating).

The price was good. The view not too bad - if I look just the right way out the bedroom windows, I can catch a glimpse of the lake. Waterview. Awesome.

The only catch... no agents. This was going to be a private deal. No problem, or so I thought.

Only, it was a case of the blind leading the blind.

Neither the seller, nor the purchaser had a clue of what they were doing. We drafted up an offer that night, drafted up another the next morning, and drafted up another (and maybe one more after that) a couple days later. And when everything was all said and done, there still was no closing date to be had. Everything was pending on the completion of the building, and the builder registering with the city, upon which my deal would close.

And so I waited. And waited. And waited some more, all the while delving deep into my finances to see how I could afford my little impulse, fielding well-meant inquiries of when my condo was closing and a lot of ribbing about how my situation was a textbook case on why one should do all real estate transactions through a bona fide real estate agent and how I should have consulted a professional. I shrugged it off, internalized my stress (have I mentioned that I'm commitment phobic) and waited some more.

Finally, one day in July I got a call from the owner. A notice was posted in the hallway, she informed me. The condo was closing soon. Oh, but by the way, she tenanted out the condo to a couple of students and it was possible that they'd still be there when I assumed possession of my condo.

And then the stress piled on with renewed vengence. No way, no how would I assume responsibility for tenants. Students? What the hell? There were many mutterings of potential lawsuits and more back and forth between us and them over the closing dates and tenant evictions. And then they stopped returning my calls. Let me tell you, I was not a happy camper.

Today is another story completely. I'm crazy happy, but completely terrified. My BRAND NEW CONDO is vacant, and I have the keys and full possession of everything I'm supposed to be possessing. I've signed away my life, written the biggest cheque I've ever written and adopted a mortgage that will possibly force me into a lifetime of pb&j sandwiches.

But, who cares? I've got property, man. And that's just the beginning to MY empire.

It's great to be me.

Monday, August 13

day 11206: so s-m-r-t

posie: Wow. You're smarter than you look.

schmassion: Thanks for the compliment!

posie: Huh?

schmassion: I'm asian and I wear glasses. I'm surprised I don't already have a PhD sign hovering over my head.

Sunday, August 12

day 11205: holy news weekend, Batman!!!!

TWO(!!) engagements and one new condo!

Awesomeness to the most extreme...

Congrats to the Sista and her man-toy, congrats to the other cute little couple who shall not be named as yet, and congrats to Posie for finally giving in and putting down roots!!!

Hm, I wonder what else is coming up next... and who else I can live vicariously through... ;)

Thursday, August 9

day 11202: memories of costa rica past

There's a small soda in Punta Banco where the turtlers would sup. Lunch was a casual affair, people coming and going on their own whimsy.

Late one afternoon after a busy morning of beachcombing and tide pool poking, I wandered back to the soda for a bite and some freshly squeezed naranjo juice. The proprietor was in the kitchen cleaning up after the others, and began babbling to me in Spanish.

"Um, no hablo Espanol." I managed to eek out with my extremely limited Spanish.

She babbled at me again.

I don't speak Spanish, I said again.

She gazed at me with a look of utmost patience, raised her voice slightly and said very, very slowly,

"ARROZ. CON. POLLO."

And handed me a plate.

rice with chicken

Wednesday, August 8

day 11201: random letters from the abyss

Dear Dudie,

I know you like to talk things out, and I fully understand that some people need to vocalize their thoughts in order to solve their problems. However, I'd like to point out the fact that I am not a professional hand holder. I do not get paid to hold your hand. I do not get paid to sit in your office for hours upon end, listening to you trying to figure out what you did wrong.

Come to think of it. We did this a lot last year, and I partially blame you and your need for hand holding as the reason why I barely saw sunlight all last summer. But you were new then, and had the guts to go on vacation at the busiest time of year, so it had to be done.

This year... not so much. Adios amigo.

Regards,

Schmassion

~

Dear Driver of the #11 Bayview bus,

I know it probably frustrates you that you're always travelling, but never actually get anywhere. But you've got a busload of innocent people relying on you and your keen-eyed attention on the road.

So do you really think you should be yabbering away on your cell phone?

All the best,

Schmassion

~

Dear Ma,

I love you.

I love that you love to clean.

I love that you love to clean my room in particular.

But I'd love more if I could come home one day and find things exactly where I left them... because you know, I keep thinking I'm losing my mind, and I keep buying things twice.

Mwa!

"Spoiled brat"

~

Dear YB,

You and your snarky attitude are pissing me off.

ARGH,

Schmassion

~

Dear PC,

Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Right back at you.

L8R H8R,

Schmassion

ps... I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions this afternoon and thought you made a mistake. But honestly, you can't really fault me for it. Everything else you did for me was wrong.

Tuesday, August 7

day 11200: i don't know if i should be admitting this...

I think I have a wee crush on House.

Even if he did fake cancer to get high.

Monday, August 6

day 11199: and so it is... just as you said it would be

Miscellaneous things I learned (or relearned) over the weekend:

~ driving by yourself for hours upon hours upon hours can actually be fun
~ I can sing really, really loudly
~ listening to musicals makes the drive go by much, much faster
~ I do not like pretzels unless it's covered with seasoning
~ sometimes most times, I will just lick off all the seasoning and throw away the pretzel
~ men can talk big, but it takes a strong woman to show them how it's done
~ when someone says the cottage has a spring shower, it doesn't necessarily mean one like in the Irish Springs commercials. It might just be a hose at the back of the cottage
~ I can shower at almost the speed of light
~ one person's "refreshing" is another's "brrrrrr.... freezing..."
~ cottage trips where you do nothing but eat and play boardgames are fun
~ cottaging on your own private island is really fun
~ being stuck on the island because it's thunderstorming is not so fun
~ the dog really is a city dog
~ I need to simplify my life and maybe go hide out on an island some more

Friday, August 3

day 11196: nothing left to say except... it's peanut butter jelly time

Damn m&m's and my addictive personality.

Must stop. Dammit.

One more...

now...

one more...

argh...

Thursday, August 2

day 11195: on those days where everyone is being a wee bit $hithead-ish

All I have to do is repeat to myself:

2 days until Île Lamothe...
44 days until surf camp in Costa Rica...
146 days until Bahamas...

YEAH, BABY!

Wednesday, August 1

day 11194: serenity now... serenity now! (PC tales part deux)

schmassion: *looking for my zen moment*

QWW: my zen moment has been violated.

schmassion: *happy place, happy place*

QWW: raped and plundered

Wednesday, July 25

day 11187: monkeyco

I made someone cry today.

Serves her right for leaving every day at 5:00 sharp and not doing the stuff I asked her to do. Damn punchclockers. Argh.

Tuesday, July 24

day 11186: it kicked my ass, so i kicked its ass, and then my ass got kicked again

Nothing is as easy as it seems anymore. The climbs are sandbagged, super reachy and require a whole lot of strength, but very little finesse. A 5.10a is a no-feet, jump start smear to a two handed left sidepull, right reach, right highstep that is insanely crazy for a height-challenged pseudo-climber like me.

I’ve lead 5.11b’s, so a piddly little 5.10a on toprope should be a walk in the park. No such luck. Two weeks ago, the no-feet, jump start smear to the two handed left sidepull kicked my ass. I fell like Spiderman out of webbing fluid, and thunked repeatedly onto the padded mats below. Needless to say, my ego took a heck of a beating and I knew that I’d have to take my revenge on the wall another day.

Which brings us to last night…

The no-feet, jump start smear to a two handed left sidepull, right reach, right highstep was no problem. I muscled my way through it, and finessed the itty bitty left hand two finger crimp, solid left, super-reach to bottom inch of the underside of the jug that gave me just enough grip to match feet, high step… crap…

My right hip gave two pops, I felt something tear in my gluteus maximus (aka bum muscle) and today anything that requires the use of my butt is pure agony. Simple things like sleeping on my side, sitting at my desk, sitting on the toilet, getting up from a seated position, walking in a straight line, and taking my foot off the gas pedal is embarrassingly difficult. Who the heck has ever heard of someone pulling a bum muscle?!

So now I’ve booked a massage, or rump rub, if you will, and hopefully things will be peachy keen on the morrow. Otherwise, I’ll be all bummed out… :(

Oh yeah... and ps... THANK GOD for well padded office chairs that can lean wayyyy back, cuz I'll be working like Superman flying... all morning.

Sunday, July 22

day 11184: finally... closure

All-time favourite Harry Potter quotes:

"Wands are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's."

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"


Thanks J.K. Rowling. You rock.

Now hurry up and read it, people. I need to talk about this.

Wednesday, July 18

day 11180: wand envy

QWW: You got plans for the weekend?

schmassion: Harry Potter BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It'd be me and my boy, snuggled up in bed. That's so pathetic. I need a life. Or a drink.

QWW: He's a bit young, isn't he?

schmassion: Meh... he's got that great wand.

QWW: Dirty

Monday, July 16

day 11178: 2 reasons why i will never get a job as a secretary and am destined for management

1. I keep typing "Polar" as "Police"

2. I keep typing "Pension" as "Penison"

Bonus: I spelt "typing" as "tying" in both #1 AND #2 above.

Sunday, July 15

day 11177: why i hate bridget jones

"I like you just the way you are."

Two movies about 8 little words and I spend the ENTIRE WEEKEND vegetating in front of the tv and reading a hilarious, stereotypical, pro/anti-French novel while gorging myself on leftovers (seriously... ugh) and bon-bons (not seriously... ) instead of heading out rollerblading or doing something remotely physically active or at least something social.

Why? Because I can. And because somewhere out there is a guy who will like me just the way I am... even though at the moment, I'm a thirty-something crabby, jiggly, lazy-ass, anti-social idiot who really would rather spend the better part of the weekend hiding from the world than going out and potentially meeting the man of her dreams.

Maybe next weekend. Ain't life grand?

Saturday, July 14

day 11176: "piyo's water just broke... there is no baby shower today!"

Like Piyo, it seems that baby Kaitlynne will be one step ahead of her peers. Forget making an entrance, she's making her statement... three weeks early! How can there possibly be any more drama than that! Not yet born, and a drama princess already!

Good timing, little one. You saved your Mama an afternoon of sampling baby food and identifying dirty diapers. But you also made her miss the cake that I was planning on surprising her with.

That just means I promise you something more spectacular on your first birthday. And because I love you already, I'll endure all of Monday's ribbing and teasing about my ticking biological clock when I bring the leftover cake to work.


(ps... check out more pics of kaitlynne's ark, cuz I worked damned hard on it, and someone has to see it!)

Thursday, July 5

day 11167: trying to let go

I went to hot yoga today for the first time in a couple years, and hated every single second of it.

I'm so full of hate these days, aren't I.

Wednesday, July 4

day 11166: the vicious cycle of not looking good

I'm an emotional eater. When I stress, I eat. When I eat too much, I stress.

When I need to look good for something, I stress. Then I eat. Then I don't look good, and stress even more.

Argh. Damn weddings.

Thursday, June 28

day 11161: my sweet little pain in the neck

The DOG is afraid of weather. It started off with thunderstorms and her shaking and quivering while trying to hide behind the toilet. She was so cute in all her trembling fluffiness, we laughed it off and never really tried to overly placate her… just in case she’d start believing that it was a good thing to hide behind the toilet.

Last night, her phobia got much worse. Perhaps the air smelt of rain and thunderstorms. Perhaps it was the cats yowling and screeching behind the house that spooked her. I was asleep, and had NO FRICKIN CLUE what was going on. My blissful slumber was suddenly (and rudely) interrupted by a sudden weight on my neck, accompanied with the type of heavy breathing that I can only describe as ”sicko sex fiend” (or perhaps ”not tonight honey, do it yourself”).

Needless to say, I freaked and woke up flailing.

Me freaking + DOG freaking =BAD NEWS

DOG, probably sensing my jumpy nerves as well, decided that she really, really, really, really, REALLY needed to be comforted and wanted to get as close to me as possible. TO THE POINT OF TRYING TO GET INTO MY SKIN (slight exaggeration). She wanted to cuddle on the right, then she wanted to be on the left, and finally decided to spend the next hour walking all over my right boob (why always the right??? OUCH!!!!) before settling on my chest with her ass in my face. Did I mention that she was doing the sex fiend pant the entire time?

She didn’t want water, she didn’t want to go for a walk. She didn’t like the breeze from the fan, but got hot when she was out of it. Talk, DOGDAMMIT, talk to me and stop behaving like a freak in the middle of the night!!!!!!! (is that enough exclamation points for you?)

Of course, this morning, when I do wake up from my fitful slumber, she’s as happy as can be, and runs off with the maternal one who feeds her toast crusts for breakfast, pretending, as she is wont to do, that all is happy with the world and that I’m not one big mess of crankypantness.

Wednesday, June 20

day 11153: trying to honour my spirit

I should be climbing tonight. But my spirit says to listen to the body if not the mind. The body is tired still from the weekend, and my left hip socket/ass feels out of whack from our amazing Blackouts playoff victory yesterday night. The mind wants to be on a patio somewhere sipping on something that will send the body on a caloric death spiral.

I think I'm going to listen to the spirit. I'm heading home for a run.

Tuesday, June 19

day 11152: that's queen b!tch to you

Sista tells me that I complain a lot. I'm starting to agree with her.

*sigh*

Monday, June 18

day 11151: a journey always seems longer when you're in the middle of it, but it's over in a blink of an eye

It was a beautiful Sunday, the weather was gorgeous, and after dim sum on the waterfront, what more could a girl possibly ask for?

It's dragonboat weekend, but you would never have known it unless you paid attentional to the nonsensical wording on some poor asian kid's fake Mickey Mouse t-shirt. By the time ICBBQ and I finish brunch there's only 9 more hours of sunlight left. I wonder how far I would get. We start at the base of Yonge Street and walk north, ICBBQ humouring me every other step as I stop and take picture after picture on my fancy schmancy camera I still don't really know how to use properly. Thank goodness for the Auto function.


Funny how I lived here for years, and never took a single picture. I always meant to bring my camera with me on my early morning dog walks. Cold wintery mornings were breathtakingly calm as the deep orange of the rising sun filtered it's way through the icy winter mist. But then again, cold wintery mornings on the waterfront were breathtaking for a different reason... damn wind coming off the lake...


But it's not too late, and if all goes well, one day I will be back downtown on the waterfront again. My condo still hasn't closed and I think every day that I'm getting screwed somehow. Actually, I secretly hope the deal will fall through, and I won't be stuck with a monster mortgage. I'm terrified of ties and commitment, and owning my own place seems so terrifying and permanent. We pass by my future "2 bedroom corner unit with a view of downtown," stop dead and burst out laughing. The Immigrant Family stands in front, rendering something formerly reasonably classy into a cartoon joke.


We go our separate ways, and I keep heading north. The thought first and foremost on my mind is "Where the heck can I pee?" Endless cups of tea at dim sum reduces one to a blabbering idiot constantly in search of a clean washroom. Luckily, it's pretty damn hot out there in the asphalt jungle... maybe I won't have to go that badly. The stretch between Dundas and Bloor is a lot of the same... dollar stores, XXX neon signs, and semi-mediocre (maybe a gem or two) restaurants somewhere in the middle. Ok, there's more than that, and I'm generalizing, but it's early on in the day, and I was paying more attention to the cute gay couples wandering up and down the street.

Life goes on, and on I plod. Just north of Bloor, I see the BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN and damnit, if I couldn't get a picture. A woman is riding a classic honda, hubby and doggie in the sidecar... all wearing matching white helmets. What an awesome picture that would have been, but by the time I dig through my knapsack for the camera, they've roared off into the distance. I want to run after them and beg for a photoshoot... too bad I'm on foot. Argh. There's a little winding side road that I want to explore a little further, but I'm going to save that for next time, when I'm on my bike and can cover more territory.


The part I had been looking forward to during this journey is dismally disappointing. Summerhill seems deserted. A lot of cars driving around, but the furniture stores are dark and closed. I tour the largest liquor store in the country for the first time, and keep heading north. Somehow, brown paper bagging it on such a hot day seems like a bad idea. Besides, I've got patio plans up at Eglinton anyway.

I detour into Mount Pleasant and walk the blue line of the Discovery trail. Mount Pleasant is one of the oldest cemeteries in the city, and as morbid as it seems, the intermingling of the tombstones and graves of the fathers of the city versus the simplicity of the modern styles is fascinating. The history of the city (and the country) literally lies at my feet.


The blue line eventually leads to my grandfather's plot. It's Father's Day so I stop by and spend a few moments clearing away weeds from the flowers. I can't tell if anyone else has been by today. The chrysanthemums still look fresh, but they've been planted into the ground, so they could have been from weeks ago. I remember when there was no one else buried on this hillside. As children, we used to skip up and down, playing while the adults cleaned up the mess the winter left behind. Now I have to pick my way through all the markers. I'm a wee bit superstitious about stepping on anyone.

I backtrack the Discovery trail and keep heading north. Two furniture shops - one a little pretentious with overpriced imitation crap they're selling to people with too much money, and the other a little hokey in the custom furniture they're trying to pass off as a modern solution to the old space problem. Neither of them work for me. I get trapped talking to a salesman trying to sell me a "raft." Note to self, must learn not to be so chatty, no wonder 60 year old men are trying to pick me up in bars.

I pass my favourite Italian restaurant in the city, and keep wandering up looking for the perfect patio. Strange how little patios there are between Roehampton and Sporting Life. I have to walk back three blocks because I forgot to check out the Cupcake Shoppe. No way am I going to post pictures of that place or their cupcakes. Not bad, but I can do better.


Is it bad of me to say that my favourite parts of the day are the times when I'm sitting down and eating? I love a good patio. And it's the perfect day to sit outside and not do a single thing. It's past lunch, and I'm more thirsty than hungry. My Strongbow craving directed the patio, and it was a while before I found Mad Monty's and some good conversation. Smartie is always a riot. We flirt like crazy with each other, and have done so since the day we met. Luckily, neither of us take the other seriously.

5:00 and it's time to move on. I only have three hours of walking time left, and one last stop to make before I have to be at my cousin's place to work on the wedding video. North of Lawrence to Sheppard is brutal. Nothing to see, not much to do. The hill north of York Mills is a killer... note to anyone else walking north of Yonge - stay on the EAST side... sidewalk ends on the west, and it's a little dodgy jaywalking the 401 offramp on my shakey-Elvis legs. I'm bored adn almost ready to call it quits, but in reality, I'm halfway between subway stations, so there's not much I can do. I must walk on.

Is it me, or do the people on the patio seem that much slimier north of Sheppard? Two guys walk ahead of me. One is dressed all in white with a white knapsack, the other all in black with a black knapsack. I notice that he's wearing LuluLemon pants and puma sneakers. I really hope he's a dancer... otherwise... wellllll... when did I ever become a fashion critic?

One last stop. A few years before he died, my dad, my sister and I biked through York. We stopped at the fountain they were in the process of building, and stopped on a hillside he said was where his plot was going to be. I think I was thirteen at the time, so I was more interested in the fountain than the plot. Did I ever mention that I come from a family of planners? It's funny what you remember. North York used to be mostly farm land. I used to feed horses at Leslie and Finch, and people used to rent tiny plots of land in the cemetary to grow vegetables. There was a school nearby at one point, I remember hearing the school bell ring on the day of the funeral. Happy Fathers day, Da.


I'm tired, and it's getting late. Off to the cousin's place for 8:00. (Oooh, that rhymes.) I'm thirsty, tired, and cranky as hell, but damn happy that I've managed to walk this far. One last discovery... the Korean butcher just north of Byng sells marinated LA Kalbi... $19.47 for 3.92lbs. PAT on Bloor is better, but this is closer to home. I can't wait until my next BBQ... mmm... kalbi...

(total distance travelled... including detours... 20km...)

Thursday, June 14

day 11147: perks perks perks!!



Dear Sidney,

You're my fav hockey player. Do you mind checking out the Mellon Arena for my Leafs jersey... I lost it there in January. Or so they tell me.

Thanks bunches babe,

Schmassion

Wednesday, June 13

day 11146: i know this is going to sound a little nutty

Sunday is supposed to be bright and sunny with a high of 26C!! It'll be much too nice of day to stay inside, and I know that if I don't plan something for myself to do, I'll end up staying home and watching Season 4 of 24 or some other hermitess thing where I'll waste another glorious summer day.

So this is what I'm planning on doing...

Sunday morning, 10:30, I start from the base of Yonge Street (right by the waterfront) and I start walking north. I'll mosy along, poke my head into shops, stop for coffee or a cocktail (or two), and by about 6:30 or so, I'll see where I end up. There is no goal or purpose except to really get to know Yonge Street a bit better...

Anyone interested in joining me? You don't have to walk the whole day with me. Meet up with me along the way... grab lunch or a snack or sit on a patio with me, etc etc...

I'll have my camera, and I'll be taking pictures along the way...

Sunday, June 10

day 11143: searching for a little sweetness in an otherwise humdrum life


I haven't deserted you. I promise.

Monday, May 28

day 11130: the following events took place between day 11110 and 11129

Nothing. Absolutely bloody nothing.

Just joking…

I watched season 3 of 24.

Somewhere in the middle, I went to Windsor, flew home to Toronto just in time to get in the car to drive to Windsor on the way to Kentucky, and then back to Windsor on the way back to Toronto.

Really.

Sunday, May 6

day 11109: ...

I wrote a letter tonight, then took it outside and set match to paper. I held it until the flames licked my fingertips, and the darkness around me grew light. It was a long letter filled with ramblings and words bathed in hate.

I held onto my hatred until I could stand it no longer. And then watched as the words fell to the ground and smouldered in the grass.

I stamped out the embers and the ashes blew away in the wind.

Tuesday, May 1

day 11104: simply electrified!

GO RAPTORS GO!!!

Awesome game! So frickin close at the end... argh... stress...

I'm such a bandwagon jumper-on-er...

Saturday, April 28

day 11101: one helluva impulse buy

I did not wake up this morning thinking that I would buy a condo. But I did, so ta-da... my new home:

Monday, April 23

day 11096: life's little lessons

One is supposed to learn from their mistakes.

One is not supposed to use crazy glue to stop a run in their nylons. Especially if one has already done this before, and ended up gluing the nylons to their skin.

Btw... Boy crush over. Future boy, don't ever drop the ball on me.

Sunday, April 22

day 11095: the brillance of men

It's Sunday. It's not yet ten in the morning. I should be spending the day chilling on my balcony in my new hammock instead of working.

Outside the monkeyco office, there are hordes of grown men playing street hockey and high fiving each other. I'm six stories up, I can hear the sticks on the pavement and the boisterousness of men who clearly don't have anything better to do with their lives except to play early morning street hockey...

Guys, it's bad enough I have to work today, but did you have to rub it in as well?

Life isn't fair.

[ed note: Hm...maybe I should take a break later and bring the boys a beer...]

Thursday, April 19

day 11092: a world of difference

My lack of fluency in any language other than English is notorious within monkeyco which does not bode well for me considering that we are predominantly owned and occupied by people who barely speak English. My fluency in Chinglish and Biblical Hebrew do me no wonders either, hence I’ve been trying to teach myself Spanish and French.

Perhaps I should have focused on one language at a time. My reading comprehension of French is passable. My written abilities definitely sub par, and my spoken abilities even worse. My Spanish, believe me, is worse than that.

Somewhere along the line, I learned a few phrases…

Buenos dias. Good morning.

Mucho gusto. I’m pleased to meet you.

Donde esta el bano. Where is the washroom?

Estoy muy caliente. I’m very horny. (I have NO idea where I got this.)

I purchased a Lonely Planet Spanish phrasebook for the turtle saving trip to Costa Rica, thinking ambitiously that perhaps I could learn a couple of key phrases so that I could say something meaningful to the locals. (By meaningful, I mean, other than ordering a cerveza and saying something other than please and thank you and I’m very horny which I'm sure could land me in a world of trouble.)

I flipped through the book, and landed in the “Relationship” chapter…

fuerte Harder.

rapido. Faster

Lo siento, no puedu levantarla. I can’t get it up, sorry.

No te preocupes, lo hago yo. Don’t worry, I’ll do it myself.

WTF?? What kind of people are writing this thing? As if I would have the phrasebook in one hand, and God knows what else in the other…

Of course, when I started teaching myself French for “increased communicative abilities” with fellow coworkers at monkeyco, I HAD to purchase the Lonely Planet French phrasebook.

I flipped through the book, and landed in the “Romance” chapter…

plus fort Harder.

plus vite Faster

Chouette alors! Oh yeah!

C’est sensationnel. That’s great.

Vas-y mollo. Easy tiger.

I’m thinking wow, French really is the langue d’amour and then I flipped through a couple more pages, and read a few more phrases.

Va te faire voir! Get lost!

AND THE KICKER...

Tu es completement imbu de toi-meme.

... Your ego is out of control.

Wednesday, April 18

day 11091: looking for the man of my dreams

Last night I had a vivid dreamt about a boy.

He was tall, asian (whoa, where did THAT come from?) and a little bit funny looking. He was wearing scrubs, and his ID badge read St. Michael's Hospital (i.e. just around the corner from Monkeyco). His name started with an R... Robert... Rene... Renforth... R... R... argh...

Gosh darn it, did he ever make my heart flutter.

So, man-of-my-dreams, if you really do exist and you're not just a figment of my short-circuiting REM cycles, meet me between 9:00 - 9:15 at the Tim Hortons around the corner. I'm there practically every morning. You know where it is.

[ed note: You know what this REALLY means though... no more late night House marathons.]

Sunday, April 15

day 11088 1/2: he says spit, don't swallow...

Wow. I'm one tough chick who boasts often that she'd drink or eat practically anything, but I think I might have met my match.

There is no way on God's green earth, that anyone would ever get me to drink this.

Given my track record, I'd probably swallow the damned thing.
day 11088: my cupcakes are famous again

Yay!

Pix of the whole box... complete with sand traps, water hazards and divots, of course.


Friday, April 13

day 11086: why am I telling you this?

In university, I had a dust-coloured hamster named Harley that I bought from Petsmart and named after the bike that roared past us on the way back to my shitty basement apartment. I probably should have named him Ralph, but Harley was the first thing that popped into my head, so Harley he became, and Harley he remained.

Harley and I were alike in very many ways. We slept like logs during the day, and both liked cheese and cheese flavoured snacks. We hated when people poked us and tormented us (sorry Ro!) and we both woke up extremely grumpy.

We bonded at night; he running in his little wheel as fast as his scrawny little legs could carry him, me “studying” late into the night and watched fuzzy football on my 20 year old rabbit-eared television. Sometimes I’d put him into his hamsterball, and he’d run around leaving a trail of hamster poo behind him. He liked his freedom and escaped as often as possible, once crawling into bed with me and scaring the crap right out of me.

Fun times.

Occasionally, I’d let Harley run around on my desk while I did my studio projects (brilliant plan to avoid exams by taking art studio 101 turned out extremely time consuming and not so brilliant). He’d run around my desk sniffing at my ink, and nibbling on whatever crumbles I had on my desk. And then he’d poop.

[Aside: I don’t know if you’ve seen hamsters poo. Very interesting… very gross. Harley had a habit of reclining on his back, sticking his huge bum in the air, pooing a little poo-stub, and then using his MOUTH to grab the little poo-stub to pull out the rest of the poo, and then FLINGING it as hard as he could.]

One night before the deadline of a huge drawing assignment, I lost track of time. I was drawing and smudging and erasing as fast as I possible could, and quite simply forgot that Harley was roaming around my desk getting into his usual mischief. Deep in concentration, I put my B2 pencil into my mouth, chewing on it as I reached for another pencil.

Something eventually clicked in my mind…

Hm… something isn’t quite right? Why is there an old raisin stuck on my pencil? I wasn’t snacking on rais… OMG… IT’S HAMSTER POO!!!

Freak of a little rat (RIP) had fling his little thing onto my pencil where it had dried so that I could chew on it.

Happy Friday the 13th.

Thursday, April 12

day 11085: byte me

I spilled coffee into my laptop.

They gave me a replacement loaner.

The loaner was my old crappy computer…the one that didn’t work properly.

It still doesn’t work properly.

It decided that it didn’t like my password.

So I tried to change it.

It wouldn’t let me.

I gave it a big thump, and then it worked.

Computers hate me.

Sometimes I wonder why…

Sunday, April 8

day 11081: what i did for my three day weekend

It was like having Stacy and Clinton (of What Not to Wear fame) following my every move.

“No more boots. Your running shoes are for RUNNING only. Just because they have a little pink does not make them cute.”

“No more black. You need COLOURS!!”

“No more no-name jeans. You need jeans that LIFT AND SEPARATE.”


This weekend’s “Shop. Eat. Shop. Eat.” trip to Montreal was a blast. We hit Simons, Cour de Mont Royal, Saint Laurent; shopped until my credit card smoked and my bank account emptied. Major deals were scored, and we walked away knowing that better prices would not be possible at any outlet mall below the border.

We shopped until exhaustion.

And then we ate. Oh, how we ate. Justin bistro a vin for foie gras, Kaizen’s for sushi, Schwartz for smoked meat sandwiches… and Bubba’s in Kingston for Italian poutine. Sure, it was partially an eating trip, but the sheer amount of food consumed… incredible. I’m stunned that I don’t need to shop again to accommodate the consequences of our gluttony.

Montreal, je t'aime (but don't tell anyone)...

Wednesday, April 4

day 11077: token post about my trip to hawaii

Three things I learned during the family trip to Hawaii:

1) I am no longer terrified to death of sharks. Surfing in shark infested waters is fun!

2) Never tell the Maternal One that you don't know where you're going... even if you really have no idea where you're going, and she's the only one who's ever been there before.

3) The polite thing to answer when someone (i.e. a boy) asks you what you’re doing that night is not “meh.” Instead, you should answer, “We want to go to a club, but we don’t know where. Do you have any suggestions?”

Monday, April 2

day 11075: covert ops

While staying in the Montreal Sofitel, QWW and I came up with the most brilliant of brilliant plans to meet single eligible businessmen.

Over breakfast in swanky hotel restaurants…

Why?

Simple.

While these single eligible businessmen chill over their eggs bene and coffee in the early hours of morning, not only are they impeccably dressed (thus weeding out the gainfully employed from the not-so-gainfully employed), but they’re usually alone (and far away from home) thereby making them more susceptible to conversation openers such as “Are you done with that newspaper?” or “Do you know of a good place in [insert city here] that has a good bar and great music?”

Chances are they’ll jump at the opportunity to get to know sexy single women because 1) we all know that what happens out of town stays out of town, 2) meeting new people helps the evenings pass by faster (instead of watching Friends reruns in the hotel gym), and 3) as QWW so eloquently argued… “morning wood.”

Sunday, April 1

day 11074: jump

I'm jumping on the basketball bandwagon. Off I go to tonight's Raptors game.

Of course there are ulterior motives. Go... er... Raptors! Score some goals... er points... yeah.

Thursday, March 29

day 11071: two weeks ago on a rainy wednesday night

Story #1:

If it had actually been a date, it would have been the best date I’ve ever been on. We had dinner in a cozy candlelit bistro, walked along quiet misty side streets near Rue Saint-Denis, and had coffee until almost the wee hours of the morning.

Alas, he’s even more clueless than I am. Thus, it was not a date. Darn.

Story #2:

I’m asian. I’m shy. I’m not good at the French cheek to cheek kiss-kiss thing. I’m horrible at it and so obviously uncomfortable that many, many people make fun of me… including the boy who wrote, “I’ll remember kissing your ear.”

Story #3:

All hail QWW… I must learn to flirt from her, so that I, too, can make a boy walk across a crowded restaurant just to say “Bonjour…”

Wednesday, March 28

day 11070: obviously still on work to rule

I've got a stupid grin on my face and no particular reason to be this happy, but for some unknown reason today just feels like a great day!

Hope you have a great one too!

Monday, March 12

day 11054: please explain...

Two things I've never understood - slurping and feet shuffling... in 20 words or less, explain.

Sunday, March 11

day 11053: be afraid...

I'm going to add "dark water" to the list of things that I'm afraid of.

Damn shrieking eels.

Wednesday, March 7

day 11049: just a little more tolerance s.v.p.

[begin rant]

Dear fellow TTC riders:

I hate public transit just as much as you do. Probably a whole lot more. I hate it so much that in the summer, I'll probably walk the 20 km home than to take the freaking subway home. That's how much I hate it.

But more importantly, I hate the way that some of you bitch and complain every time someone accidentally loses a footing and steps on you. It's a freaking subway. Some nut job newbie conductor is bound to jerk the freaking train around at one time or another. Some unstable passenger is bound to lose their footing (not all people can be as nimble footed as I, btw), and someone is more than likely going to step on someone else.

GET THE FCUK OVER IT. Everyone else on the train has...

So long as they apologize, you don't have to spend the next 10 minutes going "ow, ow, ow..." and making grimaces of pain. They didn't mean to... they've already freaking apologized... and they're already off the train. You in pain, doesn't mean diddly squat to the people next to you, except that you've just revealed that you're a freaking wimp, and that you like a whole lot more attention than anyone is willing to give you during rush hour. Save it for you SO, but he probably doesn't care anyway.

I don't want to see it, and I don't have the freaking patience for your subpar acting skills. Did I mention that I hate taking the subway.

Get over yourself.

Lovingly,

Schmassion

ps... to that wide ass biotch a couple months ago that was fcuking spreading her fat ass legs out into the aisle... I'm really sorry I tripped over your cankles. Some dude getting onto the car shoved me. But seriously, did you have to "retaliate" by stepping on me? Get over yourself, bitch. Fcuk... I hate public transit

[/end rant]

Sunday, March 4

day 11046: weekend randomness

~ I decorated a cake for the Grandmother's birthday... I was ashamed to admit that I made it. That's how bad it turned out.

~ Timothy Dalton did not age well. Poor guy.

~ We shot parts of a music video to BSB "I Want it That Way." I've never understood that song.

~ What the heck was in the envelope that DiCaprio gave that chick in "The Departed?"

~ I tried to give up red meat this weekend. My attempt lasted 3 hours. I was asleep for two and a half of those hours. My downfall was pork jerky.

~ Crazy Coworker Chick is heretofore to be known as Queen Wingwoman (QW for short). Story to come. Maybe.

~ QW and I think alike. We both wanted to ditch Coworker Dude because he was cramping our style. We ditched him and headed back to the bar for another round.

Thursday, March 1

day 11043: bikini bikini bikini

In preparation for Hawaii (countdown 17 days), my mantra has become "bikini, bikini, bikini" which really doesn't matter anyway, since me in a bikini... not pretty.

But, the mantra is working. I've detoxed for the past week, and I managed to claw my way up a 5.11a today. Even if I don't look like a rockstar, I can climb better than a rockstar.

Wednesday, February 28

day 11042: so goes the chain of pain

It started out innocently.

Damn it, wait… why do all my stories start out innocently?

It started out almost innocently. We talked a lot about work. We talked a bit about ourselves. We talked about parties, and invited each other to our respective cities, knowing full well that neither one of us would actually accept the other’s invitation. He tried to talk me into hopping onto a plane just for a concert, I tried to talk him into coming to Toronto for a whole lot more than just a concert… dinner and a movie… turducken... Christmas... New Years... the list goes on.

We joked, we laughed, but we never made it beyond a mere flirtation… that is the thing about crushes. Crushes remain unrequited. Chains of pain someone calls it. Someone has a crush on you, but you have a crush on someone else who has a crush on somebody else… hence the chain of pain.

I wrote him off. Once. Twice. Thrice. A million times and more. He's not that into me. I’ve indulged in other flirtations, had other interests; ogled a hundred other men almost as worthy as he. Damn it, he always pulled me back, and all it took was a quick “Hi.”

So goes my chain of pain. Karma is a bitch.

In just over two weeks, I’ll be in his city. For work. He has no idea, and if he does, he hasn’t yet let on. I’m trying to keep my visit under wraps. I don’t like playing games, but part of me is thinking not playing at all is a whole lot better than losing.

Tuesday, February 27

day 11041: living like a rock star

“I need to ask you some questions about your latest charges.”

Um. Ok…

“ February 24th… Bier Market $24.50, February 24th… Phoenix $16.50, February 24th again… HoSu $46.75, February 22nd …This is London $23, February 21st… Irish Embassy $16.50, February 21st… Irish Embassy again $43.50, February 20th… Fran’s $21.50, February 20th again… Fran’s again $5.75, February 17th… Irish Embassy again…”

Hm… no wonder they recognize me at the Irish Embassy…

My Visa card was rejected yesterday when I tried to make reservations for the Schmassion family vacation. According to “Dan, Customer Service Representative”, it was out of character with my usual spending habits, and the Big Bank was a little concerned about identity fraud.

Unfortunately, from what I gather, my latest spending habit involves a lot of food and a lot of alcohol, most of which I don’t remember purchasing. I’ve been trying to put together some semblance of a life over the past few weeks. I think I might have gone and overdone things.

Just a bit.

On a brighter note though, I’ve also made it to the climbing gym more times over the past two and a half weeks than I have over the past five months. Now, all I have to do is find a balance.

Sunday, February 25

day 11039: need. a. safety. word.

Traumatized.

So frickin traumatized.

I went for my first Chinese massage (that I can remember). She didn't speak English... or Cantonese. My Mandarin is limited to counting to ten and saying "I don't have any money, but I have a cousin."

She chomped on hard candies the entire time she was working on my poor achy back.

She was fast, she was efficient. At one point, she got up ONTO THE TABLE AND SAT ON MY LEGS to work on my poor achy back.

At the end, she slapped me. Hard. On my poor achy back. Many, many times. Maybe to improve circulation, I don't know... but it really, really hurt.

And now I'm really, really traumatized.

Thursday, February 22

day 11036: missed connection

To the guy having drinks with his coworkers last night at the Embassy, I saw you again having lunch outside the T Spot today.

I'm the asian girl that did the double take.

Perhaps it is meant to be… drinks?

Monday, February 19

day 11033: lest you desert this blog in search of something with a little more excitement

My mom's boyfriend's dog wouldn't stop humping my leg this weekend. That's as much action as I've gotten in the past few months.

I really do wish I had more exciting things to talk about.

Sunday, February 18

day 11032: i've got high hopes for the year of the ox

This morning, in keeping with the spirit of Chinese New Year, I had a serious asian moment. As you can see, I went a good three feet onto the lawn.


Here's wishing everyone a great year of prosperity and good fortune... and if you're a dragon just like me, here's wishing that you can win the lottery and buy yourself a pool boy...

Kung hei fat choy!!

Friday, February 16

day 11030: shellshocked

My mother linedances to Eminem.

Thursday, February 15

Burns, burns, burns... the ring of fire

Dear Mr. Cash,

Tell me I didn't just have a conversation in the bar about how much your ring of fire song reminds me of burritos.

It turned out to be an awesome night. Thnaks

Tuesday, February 13

day 11027: randomness from the past month of madness

“Honey, when we come up to talk to you in the bar, we’re not looking to be your friend.”

~

“It’s like breaking up with your girlfriend and keeping her around to screw her on the side.”

~

“It’s not fair that married people with children get preferential treatment. Why am I working the overtime for ten, when everyone takes off at 4:30?... Monday morning, I’m walking into the office and announcing that I got married on the weekend. And while I’m at it, I inherited a dozen kids as well. And a cat. I hate cats.”

~

“I have NO idea where I want to be in two years. I’m thirty, and I live at home with my mother. The only place I know I don’t want to be is there… and here…”

~

“I don’t eat my cupcakes. I know what I put them. That stuff will kill you.”

~

“I’m a dragon, you could ride me… oh wait, that doesn’t sound too good.”

~

“I got married on Sunday. I met the guy on Saturday. His wife died on Tuesday.”

~

“You know that book, He’s Just Not Into You?? Well, I’m just not into him.”

~

"Everything tastes better when it's smothered in cheese and drowned in gravy."

Monday, February 12

day 11026: yellow fever

One of the great things about being asian is that I still get carded trying to order a beer with dinner.

One of the not so great things about being asian is that I still get carded trying to order wine when I'm dining with coworkers.

Thursday, February 8

day 11022: confused and out of sorts


...yesterday...

bossman: So when do you have time to bake cupcakes?

schmassion: When I'm contemplating quitting my job... haha...

bossman: Well, if you quit, I guess you wouldn't be getting a package...

...moral of the story... some things you really shouldn't joke about...

ps. my cupcake is famous!

Wednesday, February 7

day 11021: looking for a glimmer of a silver lining

maternal one: It's almost the year of the pig. For dragons, it's the year for love and money. So you'll have lots of love and lots of money!

schmassion: Finally!!! This is the year I win the lottery and buy myself a pool boy!!

Tuesday, February 6

day 11020: not a happy camper

Is it human nature that when you're trying to tell someone how much your life sucks, they tell you how much worse their's is? Because now, not only am I trying to figure out what would happen if I quit the monkeyco without finding another job first, I'm also worrying about the day that the maternal one stops receiving a full pension... in about 5 years.

Friday, February 2

day 11016: friday night freakout

The only redeeming factor about having to work late on a Friday night, and having to cancel all your Friday night plans is when your coworker walks into your cube and hands you a mojito.

On another positive note, at least I had a legitimate reason to miss tonight's little freakshow... although now I look like I'm chickenshit.

Tuesday, January 30

day 11013: yes, i live with my mother

Yesterday, the coworkers were ribbing me about the lunch the Maternal One had packed for me. I took the hilarity with much grace and chuckled along. Afterall, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

This morning, as the Maternal One and I were leaving the house (she to jury duty and me to monkeyco), she casually remarked, "How was lunch yesterday? That was mine. You were supposed to take a banana."

Sunday, January 28

day 11011: sleepwalking

You know you're tired and a tad overworked when you go to put toothpaste on your toothbrush, and end up with a mouthful of soap.

Saturday, January 27

day 11010: the art of being clueless... lesson one... aka welcome to the friendzone

When you're trying to persuade your crush to come party in a city he doesn't like, it's ok to suggest that he bring a friend. However, when he asks the question of who he should bring, the answer IS NOT "someone cute."

No matter how smart the guy might be, he can't read your mind that you actually wanted him to set up your coworker, and not that you wanted him to bring you a date.

Welcome to the friendzone...

Monday, January 22

day 11005: for shits and giggles

Gas... $48.68
Ticket... $42.00
Hotel for one night... $40.69

Driving 5 1/2 hours to watch a hockey game I don't remember... priceless...

What doesn't kill you makes for one helluva story afterwards...

Friday, January 19

day 11002: friday afternoon nice-to-haves

1. Hindsight… aka Seamonkey retirement home:

The seamonkeys have gone and grown up. They’ve had babies of their own who then probably had babies of their own. Except that I no longer care because the adults are just too darn gross looking (like cockroaches of the sea, but much smaller). Call me lookcist, but I’ve decided that if a pet is not cute and cuddly, it’s not really a pet at all. Pets are interactive. Seamonkeys are just burdens of ocean society.

If anyone is looking for a 3 time a week responsibility (i.e. feeding the slimy things Monday, Wednesday, Friday), shoot me an email. The office pets are free to a good home. No one in the office wants them, and if I run out of food, and don’t want to invest another $3 + $10 shipping/handling for more, Coworker Chick will call the SPCA on me.

If I don’t hear from anyone within a week, maybe I’ll sell them on ebay and call them Elvis reincarnations. They are a little loopy after all.

2. Foresight… aka Rent-a-Date:

Some days, I’d like to have a posse of tall-dark-and-handsomes at my beck and call. Not so much because I’m single, but more so that sometimes it really sucks ass to be single. Especially the times when, say hypothetically, you have a dinner two Fridays from now with a group of old friends where you know that your ex, his wife, and their freshborn lovechild will also be there. Times like these, it’s important for a girl to have a completely swoon-overable date - not to make the ex jealous (because you are soooo wayyyy over him as he is so obviously over you), but because a girl needs to have someone to make out with in the corner while everyone else is ooohing and ahhhing over the little crackerjack. Because sure as hell, you can’t be going over there saying how cute the baby is, and you’d look like a freak sitting in the corner by yourself while everyone else giggles over what the baby burped up. (Forgive me. My clock hasn’t started ticking yet… no maternal instincts over here).

Novel idea…if you’re free Friday, February 2, 2007 and want to play the part of my tall-dark-and-handsome boyfriend, shoot me an email. Only people with awesome personalities need apply. Bonus points for you if you really are tall-dark-and-handsome AND completely swoon-overable. I’ll buy you dinner and make out with you in the corner.

[Disclaimer… I’m only going to PRETEND to be your girlfriend. I will not go home to meet your mother.]

~

That’s it for now. I’m driving to Pittsburgh tomorrow to watch Sidney Crosby kill the Leafs. I love my team, but darn it, Sidney’s just so gosh-darn cute. Hm… I wonder if he’d be my tall-dark-and-handsome… oooohhhh…

Thursday, January 18

day 11001: public service announcement

Thanks to the anonymous dude who told a friend that treehugger.com borrowed a picture off my foodblog without me knowing about it. I've written them a friendly email asking them to cease and desist.

Remember friends, stealing sucks, and it sucks more if someone's making money off what they're stealing - especially now 'cuz I'm pulling 14+ hour days, and I'm not getting a penny for the ten seconds it took out of my busy life to take that picture. Not that it's about the money. It's never about the money. It's all about the bragging rights.

So, if you're the stealer, bad karma on you.

Anonymous dude... you rock. I *heart* you.

[As an aside, can I say how minorly peeved I am that people used my picture and my foodblog to promote their personal cause? I was talking SUCKY BAGELS, people, not sucky packaging.]

Wednesday, January 17

day 11000: it's the most wonderful time of the year... for the billionth time...

*message flashes on screen*

Coworker Chick: So what's he like?

Schmassion: Who?

Coworker Chick: The new auditor...

Schmassion: Remember Lord of the Rings?

Coworker Chick: Say no more

Tuesday, January 9

day 10992: over the cubicle wall

Coworker Chick: Finally understand the "Beefeater" name.

*click*

Schmassion: That beats my theory that they were named after the tomatoe.

*pause*

[sound of snickering fills the air]

Coworker Chick: You mean the "Beefsteak" tomatoe?

Schmassion: Right...

Monday, January 8

day 10991: i swear, it wasn't the alcohol

I only slept two hours on Friday night. I tossed and I turned. I watched tv. I surfed the net and even tried to google-stalk myself. I did everything short of making myself some warm milk. Wait, I think I did that too.

This afternoon, I finally figured out why... no one told me that Diet Coke wasn't caffeine free. I stand corrected. Next time it will be back to the gin and sodas. No more Havana Clubs and Diet Cokes for me.

Friday, January 5

day 10988: living your dream

If I were to follow my dreams, I'd be a donut maker. But I'd be a really bad donut maker because my donuts don't come out in little round "O"s... just as squiggly pieces of fried dough.

Why do I keep dreaming that I'm a donut maker? What does this mean?

Tuesday, January 2

day 10985: simply too easy going

It only took me 30 years and 28 days to realize that I don't like hotdogs. I probably knew it before, but somehow it never occurred to me how much I actually dislike them. So I started making a list of everything else that I don't like, and this is what I've come up with (thus far)...

- hotdogs
- dried scallops
- squid
- uncertainty
- waiting for people
- guilt
- disappointing someone or being disappointed
- dishonesty
- pretense and insincerity
- obligations
- being around too many people
- bell peppers
- complaining (but I do it anyway)
- procrastinating (but I do it anyway)
- feeling trapped
- fried bananas
- conflict
- jealousy
- the blame game
- secrets
- ending friendships
- disorganization
- interuptions
- the colour purple
- seamonkeys
- bourbon, sambuca, anisette, absinthe, silver tequila

To be fair, I also started a list of things that I do like, but funny how it is, the list is not nearly as long as the things I don't like...

Monday, January 1

day 10984: of poker and chickflicks

If you had found me, last night would have been different. You’d have brushed the snow from my lashes and kissed me with a soft, gentle, lingering kiss. I’d have smiled and wished you a happy new year, and teasingly touched your oh-so-cold nose. Then you'd have grabbed my mittened hand and we’d run slipping and sliding through the snow.

Happy New Year.

Monday, December 11

day ?????: from golfito, costa rica

Hola!

I think it´s Monday. No idea except that the turtle portion of our trip is over. We´re still alive, and I loathe to return to civilization.

More later, it´s someone else´s turn to use this computer... connection is slowwwwww...

I´d say that I wish you were here, but that´s way too cliche. Besides, I´d just be rubbing it in that you´re not. ;)

Hasta luego

Sunday, December 3

day 10955: thank you, come again

What do you say to the guy at your office Christmas party who says, "Can I tell you something without crossing the line? You have a little piece of chocolate on your lip that I just want to lick off." Dude, how is that not crossing the line?

I'm off to Costa Rica for the next two weeks to save the sea turtles. Can't think of a better way to spend my 30th birthday than that.

Hasta luego, amigos. Be back in a few.

Thursday, November 30

day 10952: downtown girl living in an uptown world

Perhaps the one and only thing that makes me smile these mornings is waking up to the sound of the maternal one yelling "Go poo-poo... Go poo-poo... Go poo-poo..." at the dog because she doesn't want to go outside in the rain.

I kid. I kid.

I'm also smiling because Costa Rica is just around the horizon, and I can't wait to be spending some quality time with the sea turtles.

Ah, but it's good to be near grass again.

Wednesday, November 29

day 10951: lost in transition

My memory is spatial which means that I know where things are relative to the space around them.

Which means that ever since I cut my hair, I seem to have lost my mind.

Monday, November 27

day 10949: girl meets boy, girl likes boy… the ongoing saga continues

The hard thing about having a crush and moving forward from having a crush is that you open yourself up to rejection. It becomes a whole new game as you flirt back and forth wondering who is the braver of the two to actually say the words.

Of course, being 330 miles away doesn’t really help either, but acting like we're still in grade 9 sure does...

Sunday, November 26

day 10948: blessed

If one were to measure wealth in terms of friendship, I would rank right up there with the Bill Gates of the world. My friends are amazing and wonderful beyond words, going to the extreme to make this a birthday to remember.

This week, I’ve been wined, dined, kidnapped, and surprised more than ever before. It started with an AYCE sushi extravaganza, ended with a private magic show and somewhere in between I was stuffed into a car, driven to Niagara and put ontop a mechanical bull. It’s been fantastic.

Thank you for making this one of the best birthday weeks of my life. I am truly blessed by having the best friends in the world.

(Details and pictures to come... as soon as they send them to me.)

Saturday, November 25

day 10947: I *heart* my grandmother

My grandmother worries about me. She worries that I work too hard, and worries that I’m not getting out enough. She worries that I’m not meeting any new people, and that I’m slowly become a spinster because no man wants an aging asian girl who’s got bigger biceps than he.

Of course this being the weekend before I turn 30 (*egad*) and me being her only single grandchild over the age of 18 (quite possibly her ONLY single grandchild actually), her poor heart has been in palpitations over the uncertainty of my future. She really, REALLY wants a man in my life to take care of me and can’t accept my arguments that I’ve done a rather fine job (if I do say so myself) of taking care of myself. As usual, she not so subtly prys into the state of my singleton status.

[ed note: Every time we’re together and out of protective earshot of the maternal one, she brings up the subject of men and how to find one. Let me tell you, she really digs the whole set-up process and still really digs the one that she “found” a few months earlier (i.e. my cousin’s friend who is a good few years younger than I, who I have met before, and suspect to this day that my cousin already tried to set us up without me knowing). And contrary as I am, I have a slight aversion to the whole setup process, especially if my family is involved… no offense (thank you for trying), but I like to do things my own way, and in my own time.]

I’ve come to expect her questions, and usually temper my answers with as much humour as I can muster in my miserable Cantonese. I tell her that I’m working too hard to date anyone, that I’m not into asian boys, that I’m trying to find myself, and occasionally ask if it would it be okay if I didn’t end up married like everyone else in the family because I’m thinking of becoming a nun and joining a monastery (whoops… nunnery) even though I’m agnostic and nonreligious. I tell her that I’m thinking of moving to a beach somewhere and giving into the whole free-love movement (albeit belated) and just living with a couple of men and my dog for the rest of my life.

Either my Cantonese really sucks or she ignores me, but she continues telling me how worried she is about me, and how she goes to church to pray for me and my future husband… and that my future husband will find me soon.

So this time I did the unthinkable. I gave her hope.

I told her about boy-who-will-not-yet-be-named and the giant crush that I have on said boy-who-will-not-yet-be-named. I answered her twenty questions on who, what, when, where, how, asian/not-asian, professional/not-professional, mutual/not-mutual, blah blah blah…

She thinks I should aggressively pursue (aka borderline stalk) this one. He sounds that good (on paper). She asked for his name so that she can start praying for him too. I've saved myself for the time being, but the poor boy, what have I gotten him into?

Thank goodness, she hasn't been exposed to the powers of the Internet...

Friday, November 24

day 10946: time to pull up my fuzzy red socks, and take it in the ass like a man

Stress is character building. Bring it on. Bring it on.

I need a drink. And a cookie.

Wednesday, November 22

day 10944: ya know that feeling...

...the can't eat, can't sleep, hit a homerun out of the park kinda feeling... I've got it.

I'm crushing, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. (It's fun!)

Now someone help me wipe this stupid grin off my face. People are starting to notice.

Tuesday, November 21

day 10943: oblivious

Around 6 this evening, my coworker asked if I had heard a strange noise. I had my earphones on and my music playing and hadn't heard anything unusual. There's always construction noise and street noise around.

We brushed it aside and continued wrapping things up for the night.

Fifteen minutes later as we headed out for dinner, we stopped at a traffic light to let two bicycle cops ride by. We made a comment about how they get so little respect, and continued on our way.

I just found out that there had been a shooting. As many as ten shots fired, only half a block from my office.

Sunday, November 19

day 10941: trying to get in touch with my inner child

I baked cupcakes for the monkeyco children's Christmas party. I got a little ahead of myself and baked some chocolate shiraz ones for the adults.

Note to self... never bake anything with alcohol for a children's Christmas party. When you're busy facepainting the little rugrats, the VP HR's kids will go and grab the wrong cupcake.

Wednesday, November 15

day 10937: ugly

I got into a shouting match with a guy on the street yesterday. I probably shouldn't have given him the time of day, but I was already in a shitty mood, and he called me ugly and insulted my intelligence.

Oh, and I was slightly tipsy, and pissed that I screwed up something at work that morning.

Monday, November 13

day 10935: kaboom



Take a good look at the picture. The burgundy blobs are streetcars, the blue blog is a pickup truck, the white blob with the red line is a police car (with the lights flashing) and the other white blob is a cargo van.

Here are the facts. It was a bright and sunny morning, and I was rushing to get to work on time. The drive downtown was surprisingly fast, but only because all the lazy ass government workers and the bank employees get the day off. I’m only slightly bitter because I was supposed to have the day off as well, but damn monkeyco…

Sorry, I’ll stick to the facts.

The lights at intersection X and Y were out. All the cars were treating it like a four way stop. The streetcar going East was stopped, the one coming West wasn’t quite at the intersection yet, but had started to slow down. Me. I was jaywalking as usual – see me in the NE corner? I’d wave, but I’m rushing to get to work on time.

Four way stop. Blue pickup truck started to go. I started walking across. I was looking at the police car (with the lights flashing) and wondering why the guy sitting in the front of the car isn’t directing traffic. It’s not an overly heavy intersection, but there are a lot of crazies out there. And they all wear hospital gowns with the back flapping open…

Sorry, I’ll stick to the facts.

Blue pickup truck (actually it was black, but it wouldn’t have shown up as well in my picture) was going through the intersection. (At this point, I was halfway across the street.) When all of a sudden, KABOOM!! White cargo van didn’t realize that the lights at intersection X and Y were out, and decides to drive right through… and right into Blue/Black pickup truck.

[I’ll insert note here that everyone seemed to be ok because they were able to get out of the car and yell at each other.]

[I’ll also note here that real car accidents are never as KABOOOMISH as the movies make them out to be. It’s more of a CRUNCH really, than a KABOOM.]

It took a few moments, I think, for people on the street to get over the surprise. The police car (still with lights flashing) drove up to the *scene* of the accident (i.e. all 20 ft) and parked his car halfway in front of the streetcar and halfway in the lane of the westbound going traffic… i.e. in the middle of the other streetcar’s tracks. So, not only did he block the eastbound streetcar, he also blocked the westbound streetcar. On Queen Street - in the middle of rush hour. Way to go, Joe. Gold star for you.

So here’s what I’m wondering (and have been all day):

1) Why wasn’t the policeman directing traffic?
2) Why was he just sitting in the car?
3) Why did he have to block BOTH streetcar tracks?
4) If I had actually voted in the municipal elections today instead of blogging this, could we have had a more competent police force?

Sadly, the only one of my questions that I can answer is #4.

Sunday, November 12

day 10934: why?

Tell me again, why. Why did I give up a life I loved? Why did I give up living in a place I loved? For what did I give up myself, my soul, my own sense of being?

Sure, I was still lost most of the time; bumbling around a life I was unsure of and not quite so happy with. But at least I had a choice, and at least I felt like I was free. At least I was happy with where I was living.

And now, almost thirty, back living at home with “mom” after being on my own for almost eleven years, laughing at myself with the others that tease me, but crying myself to sleep at night. It’s been almost two months and, no, I’m still not used to it. It is killing me, slowly, everyday that I am here.

I’ve tried to be positive. I’ve tried to embrace the whole new lifestyle load of crap. I’ve tried taking the subway, and commuting with hundreds of other faceless, emotionless clones who run because they want to catch the freaking train. I’m not like that. I’m not one of them.

The party line is that I’m trying to save up money to buy my own place. Bullshit.

I’m here because her tenant moved out, and she made a fuss about selling the house because she’d be living here alone. Yes, I gave in to the guilt. I am asian, afterall. I was born with guilt. There is a timeline of a year, but I honestly don’t think I’ll last that long. Another two months at most. It’s already a day to day struggle.

Fuck anyone who tells me to suck it up and just do it because I’m “saving money.” I’m not saving any money by living here. After rent and incidentals, I’m saving $60 a month. That’s all. Sixty fucking dollars that I have to spend taking a cab home on a Saturday night because I no longer live 15 minutes away from anywhere I want to be.

Fuck anyone who tells me to grow up, suck it up and just tough it out for the year. You have no idea what it's like, and you have no idea what I've given up. Because, fuck you, you're not here.

Thursday, November 9

day 10931: perspective

I hate agressive downtown cabdrivers that make me incredibly paranoid when I'm on my bike.

I am incredibly thankful for agressive downtown cabdrivers when I'm trying to make it home from work by midnight.

Tuesday, November 7

day 10930: november something or rather

I missed all the Davinci Code hype this past year. I read the book a year and a half too early, and by the time the movie came around, I didn't feel like paying to see the movie.

I think I'll rent the dvd when it comes out.

Monday, November 6

day 10929: signs

If you pay attention, you find that life has patterns. A year ago, it was all about coincidences and perfect timing. A week ago, it was about food and gluttony. Today, it's about Jordan, Ontario, a place I didn't know existed until yesterday.

None of the patterns were particularly important, but it begs the question... if I pay attention, what is the world trying to tell me?

Sunday, November 5

day 10928: nightmares

Three nights ago, my work was in shambles and I couldn't figure out how to balance my financial statements and my leadsheets. I quit my job and went to a university in the middle of nowhere bordered by a lake and a lot of flat land covered in golden wheat. There was a small town nearby with a red 1800's style house, and I kept having to drive to and from it dropping people off.

Two nights ago, my life was in shambles and my boss yelled at me for something that wasn't really my fault, but really was at the same time. I think I cried. I went on vacation to a seaside resort where Italian men held impromptu horse races on the beach. A Mexican restaurant was upstairs from the condo I was staying in and the clouds billowed like crazy. Then my boss called to yell at me some more, so I pulled on a pair of rubber boots and went wading in the water. The sky was blue and one of my teeth fell out (I dream a lot about my teeth falling out).

One night ago, my mom had cancer, she adopted a family of cats (two of which turned on and ate half of another one - blood and gore everywhere), then adopted 5 more cats. We ran for our lives and watched as a group of ninjas macheted POWs, but we saved ourselves by dressing as Red Cross workers and hiding amongst a group of nuns. We then moved to a pretty cool loft made for a really tall person, so that I had to hike myself up onto the counter just to reach the sink. There was a giant fishtank with a girl swimming in it all the time.

The vividness of my dreams led me to realize:

1. No more oysters before bed
2. No more heavy meals and lots of sugar before bed
3. No more falling asleep with the television on
4. Work is killing me and I can never get away from it
5. Toronto has no good Mexican food
6. I'm allergic to cats even in my dreams
7. I keep dreaming about that university, but I've never been there
8. I'm always the designated driver
9. I really like living on the water
10. I need to get out more
11. I dream in Technicolour

Friday, November 3

day 10926: 3030303030303030303030303030303030

I wonder sometimes if I stay because I am lost. Things have changed, what once was is now no more. One foot in front of the other, living life a breath at a time, not thinking, not reacting, just existing.

Merely existing, and not living.

Wasting space, wasting time, wasting a life that someone else would be envious of, and yet, I make no move to change.

Thirty days until I turn thirty.

Thursday, November 2

day 10925: i pray to all that is holy that i was never like this...

auditor: So can you explain why your cash has gone up?
schmassion: No. Just look at the cash flow statement. That's why it's there.
auditor: Um. Can you explain it to me?
schmassion: I've already summarized everything for you. There's nothing else that happened that isn't already on there.
auditor: Um. Can you just walk me through it?
schmassion: Basically, you want me to read it to you?
auditor: Um. Yeah.

~

auditor jr: That's not my job.
auditor sr: Yes it is.