day 11054: please explain...

Two things I've never understood - slurping and feet shuffling... in 20 words or less, explain.

day 11053: be afraid...

I'm going to add "dark water" to the list of things that I'm afraid of.

Damn shrieking eels.

day 11049: just a little more tolerance s.v.p.

[begin rant]

Dear fellow TTC riders:

I hate public transit just as much as you do. Probably a whole lot more. I hate it so much that in the summer, I'll probably walk the 20 km home than to take the freaking subway home. That's how much I hate it.

But more importantly, I hate the way that some of you bitch and complain every time someone accidentally loses a footing and steps on you. It's a freaking subway. Some nut job newbie conductor is bound to jerk the freaking train around at one time or another. Some unstable passenger is bound to lose their footing (not all people can be as nimble footed as I, btw), and someone is more than likely going to step on someone else.

GET THE FCUK OVER IT. Everyone else on the train has...

So long as they apologize, you don't have to spend the next 10 minutes going "ow, ow, ow..." and making grimaces of pain. They didn't mean to... they've already freaking apologized... and they're already off the train. You in pain, doesn't mean diddly squat to the people next to you, except that you've just revealed that you're a freaking wimp, and that you like a whole lot more attention than anyone is willing to give you during rush hour. Save it for you SO, but he probably doesn't care anyway.

I don't want to see it, and I don't have the freaking patience for your subpar acting skills. Did I mention that I hate taking the subway.

Get over yourself.

Lovingly,

Schmassion

ps... to that wide ass biotch a couple months ago that was fcuking spreading her fat ass legs out into the aisle... I'm really sorry I tripped over your cankles. Some dude getting onto the car shoved me. But seriously, did you have to "retaliate" by stepping on me? Get over yourself, bitch. Fcuk... I hate public transit

[/end rant]

day 11046: weekend randomness

~ I decorated a cake for the Grandmother's birthday... I was ashamed to admit that I made it. That's how bad it turned out.

~ Timothy Dalton did not age well. Poor guy.

~ We shot parts of a music video to BSB "I Want it That Way." I've never understood that song.

~ What the heck was in the envelope that DiCaprio gave that chick in "The Departed?"

~ I tried to give up red meat this weekend. My attempt lasted 3 hours. I was asleep for two and a half of those hours. My downfall was pork jerky.

~ Crazy Coworker Chick is heretofore to be known as Queen Wingwoman (QW for short). Story to come. Maybe.

~ QW and I think alike. We both wanted to ditch Coworker Dude because he was cramping our style. We ditched him and headed back to the bar for another round.

day 11043: bikini bikini bikini

In preparation for Hawaii (countdown 17 days), my mantra has become "bikini, bikini, bikini" which really doesn't matter anyway, since me in a bikini... not pretty.

But, the mantra is working. I've detoxed for the past week, and I managed to claw my way up a 5.11a today. Even if I don't look like a rockstar, I can climb better than a rockstar.

day 11042: so goes the chain of pain

It started out innocently.

Damn it, wait… why do all my stories start out innocently?

It started out almost innocently. We talked a lot about work. We talked a bit about ourselves. We talked about parties, and invited each other to our respective cities, knowing full well that neither one of us would actually accept the other’s invitation. He tried to talk me into hopping onto a plane just for a concert, I tried to talk him into coming to Toronto for a whole lot more than just a concert… dinner and a movie… turducken... Christmas... New Years... the list goes on.

We joked, we laughed, but we never made it beyond a mere flirtation… that is the thing about crushes. Crushes remain unrequited. Chains of pain someone calls it. Someone has a crush on you, but you have a crush on someone else who has a crush on somebody else… hence the chain of pain.

I wrote him off. Once. Twice. Thrice. A million times and more. He's not that into me. I’ve indulged in other flirtations, had other interests; ogled a hundred other men almost as worthy as he. Damn it, he always pulled me back, and all it took was a quick “Hi.”

So goes my chain of pain. Karma is a bitch.

In just over two weeks, I’ll be in his city. For work. He has no idea, and if he does, he hasn’t yet let on. I’m trying to keep my visit under wraps. I don’t like playing games, but part of me is thinking not playing at all is a whole lot better than losing.

day 11041: living like a rock star

“I need to ask you some questions about your latest charges.”

Um. Ok…

“ February 24th… Bier Market $24.50, February 24th… Phoenix $16.50, February 24th again… HoSu $46.75, February 22nd …This is London $23, February 21st… Irish Embassy $16.50, February 21st… Irish Embassy again $43.50, February 20th… Fran’s $21.50, February 20th again… Fran’s again $5.75, February 17th… Irish Embassy again…”

Hm… no wonder they recognize me at the Irish Embassy…

My Visa card was rejected yesterday when I tried to make reservations for the Schmassion family vacation. According to “Dan, Customer Service Representative”, it was out of character with my usual spending habits, and the Big Bank was a little concerned about identity fraud.

Unfortunately, from what I gather, my latest spending habit involves a lot of food and a lot of alcohol, most of which I don’t remember purchasing. I’ve been trying to put together some semblance of a life over the past few weeks. I think I might have gone and overdone things.

Just a bit.

On a brighter note though, I’ve also made it to the climbing gym more times over the past two and a half weeks than I have over the past five months. Now, all I have to do is find a balance.

day 11039: need. a. safety. word.

Traumatized.

So frickin traumatized.

I went for my first Chinese massage (that I can remember). She didn't speak English... or Cantonese. My Mandarin is limited to counting to ten and saying "I don't have any money, but I have a cousin."

She chomped on hard candies the entire time she was working on my poor achy back.

She was fast, she was efficient. At one point, she got up ONTO THE TABLE AND SAT ON MY LEGS to work on my poor achy back.

At the end, she slapped me. Hard. On my poor achy back. Many, many times. Maybe to improve circulation, I don't know... but it really, really hurt.

And now I'm really, really traumatized.

day 11036: missed connection

To the guy having drinks with his coworkers last night at the Embassy, I saw you again having lunch outside the T Spot today.

I'm the asian girl that did the double take.

Perhaps it is meant to be… drinks?

day 11033: lest you desert this blog in search of something with a little more excitement

My mom's boyfriend's dog wouldn't stop humping my leg this weekend. That's as much action as I've gotten in the past few months.

I really do wish I had more exciting things to talk about.

day 11032: i've got high hopes for the year of the ox

This morning, in keeping with the spirit of Chinese New Year, I had a serious asian moment. As you can see, I went a good three feet onto the lawn.


Here's wishing everyone a great year of prosperity and good fortune... and if you're a dragon just like me, here's wishing that you can win the lottery and buy yourself a pool boy...

Kung hei fat choy!!

day 11030: shellshocked

My mother linedances to Eminem.

Burns, burns, burns... the ring of fire

Dear Mr. Cash,

Tell me I didn't just have a conversation in the bar about how much your ring of fire song reminds me of burritos.

It turned out to be an awesome night. Thnaks

day 11027: randomness from the past month of madness

“Honey, when we come up to talk to you in the bar, we’re not looking to be your friend.”

~

“It’s like breaking up with your girlfriend and keeping her around to screw her on the side.”

~

“It’s not fair that married people with children get preferential treatment. Why am I working the overtime for ten, when everyone takes off at 4:30?... Monday morning, I’m walking into the office and announcing that I got married on the weekend. And while I’m at it, I inherited a dozen kids as well. And a cat. I hate cats.”

~

“I have NO idea where I want to be in two years. I’m thirty, and I live at home with my mother. The only place I know I don’t want to be is there… and here…”

~

“I don’t eat my cupcakes. I know what I put them. That stuff will kill you.”

~

“I’m a dragon, you could ride me… oh wait, that doesn’t sound too good.”

~

“I got married on Sunday. I met the guy on Saturday. His wife died on Tuesday.”

~

“You know that book, He’s Just Not Into You?? Well, I’m just not into him.”

~

"Everything tastes better when it's smothered in cheese and drowned in gravy."

day 11026: yellow fever

One of the great things about being asian is that I still get carded trying to order a beer with dinner.

One of the not so great things about being asian is that I still get carded trying to order wine when I'm dining with coworkers.

day 11022: confused and out of sorts

...yesterday...

bossman: So when do you have time to bake cupcakes?

schmassion: When I'm contemplating quitting my job... haha...

bossman: Well, if you quit, I guess you wouldn't be getting a package...

...moral of the story... some things you really shouldn't joke about...

ps. my cupcake is famous!

day 11021: looking for a glimmer of a silver lining

maternal one: It's almost the year of the pig. For dragons, it's the year for love and money. So you'll have lots of love and lots of money!

schmassion: Finally!!! This is the year I win the lottery and buy myself a pool boy!!

day 11020: not a happy camper

Is it human nature that when you're trying to tell someone how much your life sucks, they tell you how much worse their's is? Because now, not only am I trying to figure out what would happen if I quit the monkeyco without finding another job first, I'm also worrying about the day that the maternal one stops receiving a full pension... in about 5 years.

day 11016: friday night freakout

The only redeeming factor about having to work late on a Friday night, and having to cancel all your Friday night plans is when your coworker walks into your cube and hands you a mojito.

On another positive note, at least I had a legitimate reason to miss tonight's little freakshow... although now I look like I'm chickenshit.

day 11013: yes, i live with my mother

Yesterday, the coworkers were ribbing me about the lunch the Maternal One had packed for me. I took the hilarity with much grace and chuckled along. Afterall, if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

This morning, as the Maternal One and I were leaving the house (she to jury duty and me to monkeyco), she casually remarked, "How was lunch yesterday? That was mine. You were supposed to take a banana."

day 11011: sleepwalking

You know you're tired and a tad overworked when you go to put toothpaste on your toothbrush, and end up with a mouthful of soap.

day 11010: the art of being clueless... lesson one... aka welcome to the friendzone

When you're trying to persuade your crush to come party in a city he doesn't like, it's ok to suggest that he bring a friend. However, when he asks the question of who he should bring, the answer IS NOT "someone cute."

No matter how smart the guy might be, he can't read your mind that you actually wanted him to set up your coworker, and not that you wanted him to bring you a date.

Welcome to the friendzone...

day 11005: for shits and giggles

Gas... $48.68
Ticket... $42.00
Hotel for one night... $40.69

Driving 5 1/2 hours to watch a hockey game I don't remember... priceless...

What doesn't kill you makes for one helluva story afterwards...

day 11002: friday afternoon nice-to-haves

1. Hindsight… aka Seamonkey retirement home:

The seamonkeys have gone and grown up. They’ve had babies of their own who then probably had babies of their own. Except that I no longer care because the adults are just too darn gross looking (like cockroaches of the sea, but much smaller). Call me lookcist, but I’ve decided that if a pet is not cute and cuddly, it’s not really a pet at all. Pets are interactive. Seamonkeys are just burdens of ocean society.

If anyone is looking for a 3 time a week responsibility (i.e. feeding the slimy things Monday, Wednesday, Friday), shoot me an email. The office pets are free to a good home. No one in the office wants them, and if I run out of food, and don’t want to invest another $3 + $10 shipping/handling for more, Coworker Chick will call the SPCA on me.

If I don’t hear from anyone within a week, maybe I’ll sell them on ebay and call them Elvis reincarnations. They are a little loopy after all.

2. Foresight… aka Rent-a-Date:

Some days, I’d like to have a posse of tall-dark-and-handsomes at my beck and call. Not so much because I’m single, but more so that sometimes it really sucks ass to be single. Especially the times when, say hypothetically, you have a dinner two Fridays from now with a group of old friends where you know that your ex, his wife, and their freshborn lovechild will also be there. Times like these, it’s important for a girl to have a completely swoon-overable date - not to make the ex jealous (because you are soooo wayyyy over him as he is so obviously over you), but because a girl needs to have someone to make out with in the corner while everyone else is ooohing and ahhhing over the little crackerjack. Because sure as hell, you can’t be going over there saying how cute the baby is, and you’d look like a freak sitting in the corner by yourself while everyone else giggles over what the baby burped up. (Forgive me. My clock hasn’t started ticking yet… no maternal instincts over here).

Novel idea…if you’re free Friday, February 2, 2007 and want to play the part of my tall-dark-and-handsome boyfriend, shoot me an email. Only people with awesome personalities need apply. Bonus points for you if you really are tall-dark-and-handsome AND completely swoon-overable. I’ll buy you dinner and make out with you in the corner.

[Disclaimer… I’m only going to PRETEND to be your girlfriend. I will not go home to meet your mother.]

~

That’s it for now. I’m driving to Pittsburgh tomorrow to watch Sidney Crosby kill the Leafs. I love my team, but darn it, Sidney’s just so gosh-darn cute. Hm… I wonder if he’d be my tall-dark-and-handsome… oooohhhh…

day 11001: public service announcement

Thanks to the anonymous dude who told a friend that treehugger.com borrowed a picture off my foodblog without me knowing about it. I've written them a friendly email asking them to cease and desist.

Remember friends, stealing sucks, and it sucks more if someone's making money off what they're stealing - especially now 'cuz I'm pulling 14+ hour days, and I'm not getting a penny for the ten seconds it took out of my busy life to take that picture. Not that it's about the money. It's never about the money. It's all about the bragging rights.

So, if you're the stealer, bad karma on you.

Anonymous dude... you rock. I *heart* you.

[As an aside, can I say how minorly peeved I am that people used my picture and my foodblog to promote their personal cause? I was talking SUCKY BAGELS, people, not sucky packaging.]

day 11000: it's the most wonderful time of the year... for the billionth time...

*message flashes on screen*

Coworker Chick: So what's he like?

Schmassion: Who?

Coworker Chick: The new auditor...

Schmassion: Remember Lord of the Rings?

Coworker Chick: Say no more

day 10992: over the cubicle wall

Coworker Chick: Finally understand the "Beefeater" name.

*click*

Schmassion: That beats my theory that they were named after the tomatoe.

*pause*

[sound of snickering fills the air]

Coworker Chick: You mean the "Beefsteak" tomatoe?

Schmassion: Right...

day 10991: i swear, it wasn't the alcohol

I only slept two hours on Friday night. I tossed and I turned. I watched tv. I surfed the net and even tried to google-stalk myself. I did everything short of making myself some warm milk. Wait, I think I did that too.

This afternoon, I finally figured out why... no one told me that Diet Coke wasn't caffeine free. I stand corrected. Next time it will be back to the gin and sodas. No more Havana Clubs and Diet Cokes for me.

day 10988: living your dream

If I were to follow my dreams, I'd be a donut maker. But I'd be a really bad donut maker because my donuts don't come out in little round "O"s... just as squiggly pieces of fried dough.

Why do I keep dreaming that I'm a donut maker? What does this mean?

day 10985: simply too easy going

It only took me 30 years and 28 days to realize that I don't like hotdogs. I probably knew it before, but somehow it never occurred to me how much I actually dislike them. So I started making a list of everything else that I don't like, and this is what I've come up with (thus far)...

- hotdogs
- dried scallops
- squid
- uncertainty
- waiting for people
- guilt
- disappointing someone or being disappointed
- dishonesty
- pretense and insincerity
- obligations
- being around too many people
- bell peppers
- complaining (but I do it anyway)
- procrastinating (but I do it anyway)
- feeling trapped
- fried bananas
- conflict
- jealousy
- the blame game
- secrets
- ending friendships
- disorganization
- interuptions
- the colour purple
- seamonkeys
- bourbon, sambuca, anisette, absinthe, silver tequila

To be fair, I also started a list of things that I do like, but funny how it is, the list is not nearly as long as the things I don't like...

day 10984: of poker and chickflicks

If you had found me, last night would have been different. You’d have brushed the snow from my lashes and kissed me with a soft, gentle, lingering kiss. I’d have smiled and wished you a happy new year, and teasingly touched your oh-so-cold nose. Then you'd have grabbed my mittened hand and we’d run slipping and sliding through the snow.

Happy New Year.

day ?????: from golfito, costa rica

Hola!

I think it´s Monday. No idea except that the turtle portion of our trip is over. We´re still alive, and I loathe to return to civilization.

More later, it´s someone else´s turn to use this computer... connection is slowwwwww...

I´d say that I wish you were here, but that´s way too cliche. Besides, I´d just be rubbing it in that you´re not. ;)

Hasta luego

day 10955: thank you, come again

What do you say to the guy at your office Christmas party who says, "Can I tell you something without crossing the line? You have a little piece of chocolate on your lip that I just want to lick off." Dude, how is that not crossing the line?

I'm off to Costa Rica for the next two weeks to save the sea turtles. Can't think of a better way to spend my 30th birthday than that.

Hasta luego, amigos. Be back in a few.

day 10952: downtown girl living in an uptown world

Perhaps the one and only thing that makes me smile these mornings is waking up to the sound of the maternal one yelling "Go poo-poo... Go poo-poo... Go poo-poo..." at the dog because she doesn't want to go outside in the rain.

I kid. I kid.

I'm also smiling because Costa Rica is just around the horizon, and I can't wait to be spending some quality time with the sea turtles.

Ah, but it's good to be near grass again.

day 10951: lost in transition

My memory is spatial which means that I know where things are relative to the space around them.

Which means that ever since I cut my hair, I seem to have lost my mind.

day 10949: girl meets boy, girl likes boy… the ongoing saga continues

The hard thing about having a crush and moving forward from having a crush is that you open yourself up to rejection. It becomes a whole new game as you flirt back and forth wondering who is the braver of the two to actually say the words.

Of course, being 330 miles away doesn’t really help either, but acting like we're still in grade 9 sure does...

day 10948: blessed

If one were to measure wealth in terms of friendship, I would rank right up there with the Bill Gates of the world. My friends are amazing and wonderful beyond words, going to the extreme to make this a birthday to remember.

This week, I’ve been wined, dined, kidnapped, and surprised more than ever before. It started with an AYCE sushi extravaganza, ended with a private magic show and somewhere in between I was stuffed into a car, driven to Niagara and put ontop a mechanical bull. It’s been fantastic.

Thank you for making this one of the best birthday weeks of my life. I am truly blessed by having the best friends in the world.

(Details and pictures to come... as soon as they send them to me.)

day 10947: I *heart* my grandmother

My grandmother worries about me. She worries that I work too hard, and worries that I’m not getting out enough. She worries that I’m not meeting any new people, and that I’m slowly become a spinster because no man wants an aging asian girl who’s got bigger biceps than he.

Of course this being the weekend before I turn 30 (*egad*) and me being her only single grandchild over the age of 18 (quite possibly her ONLY single grandchild actually), her poor heart has been in palpitations over the uncertainty of my future. She really, REALLY wants a man in my life to take care of me and can’t accept my arguments that I’ve done a rather fine job (if I do say so myself) of taking care of myself. As usual, she not so subtly prys into the state of my singleton status.

[ed note: Every time we’re together and out of protective earshot of the maternal one, she brings up the subject of men and how to find one. Let me tell you, she really digs the whole set-up process and still really digs the one that she “found” a few months earlier (i.e. my cousin’s friend who is a good few years younger than I, who I have met before, and suspect to this day that my cousin already tried to set us up without me knowing). And contrary as I am, I have a slight aversion to the whole setup process, especially if my family is involved… no offense (thank you for trying), but I like to do things my own way, and in my own time.]

I’ve come to expect her questions, and usually temper my answers with as much humour as I can muster in my miserable Cantonese. I tell her that I’m working too hard to date anyone, that I’m not into asian boys, that I’m trying to find myself, and occasionally ask if it would it be okay if I didn’t end up married like everyone else in the family because I’m thinking of becoming a nun and joining a monastery (whoops… nunnery) even though I’m agnostic and nonreligious. I tell her that I’m thinking of moving to a beach somewhere and giving into the whole free-love movement (albeit belated) and just living with a couple of men and my dog for the rest of my life.

Either my Cantonese really sucks or she ignores me, but she continues telling me how worried she is about me, and how she goes to church to pray for me and my future husband… and that my future husband will find me soon.

So this time I did the unthinkable. I gave her hope.

I told her about boy-who-will-not-yet-be-named and the giant crush that I have on said boy-who-will-not-yet-be-named. I answered her twenty questions on who, what, when, where, how, asian/not-asian, professional/not-professional, mutual/not-mutual, blah blah blah…

She thinks I should aggressively pursue (aka borderline stalk) this one. He sounds that good (on paper). She asked for his name so that she can start praying for him too. I've saved myself for the time being, but the poor boy, what have I gotten him into?

Thank goodness, she hasn't been exposed to the powers of the Internet...

day 10946: time to pull up my fuzzy red socks, and take it in the ass like a man

Stress is character building. Bring it on. Bring it on.

I need a drink. And a cookie.

day 10944: ya know that feeling...

...the can't eat, can't sleep, hit a homerun out of the park kinda feeling... I've got it.

I'm crushing, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. (It's fun!)

Now someone help me wipe this stupid grin off my face. People are starting to notice.

day 10943: oblivious

Around 6 this evening, my coworker asked if I had heard a strange noise. I had my earphones on and my music playing and hadn't heard anything unusual. There's always construction noise and street noise around.

We brushed it aside and continued wrapping things up for the night.

Fifteen minutes later as we headed out for dinner, we stopped at a traffic light to let two bicycle cops ride by. We made a comment about how they get so little respect, and continued on our way.

I just found out that there had been a shooting. As many as ten shots fired, only half a block from my office.

day 10941: trying to get in touch with my inner child

I baked cupcakes for the monkeyco children's Christmas party. I got a little ahead of myself and baked some chocolate shiraz ones for the adults.

Note to self... never bake anything with alcohol for a children's Christmas party. When you're busy facepainting the little rugrats, the VP HR's kids will go and grab the wrong cupcake.

day 10937: ugly

I got into a shouting match with a guy on the street yesterday. I probably shouldn't have given him the time of day, but I was already in a shitty mood, and he called me ugly and insulted my intelligence.

Oh, and I was slightly tipsy, and pissed that I screwed up something at work that morning.

day 10935: kaboom

Take a good look at the picture. The burgundy blobs are streetcars, the blue blog is a pickup truck, the white blob with the red line is a police car (with the lights flashing) and the other white blob is a cargo van.

Here are the facts. It was a bright and sunny morning, and I was rushing to get to work on time. The drive downtown was surprisingly fast, but only because all the lazy ass government workers and the bank employees get the day off. I’m only slightly bitter because I was supposed to have the day off as well, but damn monkeyco…

Sorry, I’ll stick to the facts.

The lights at intersection X and Y were out. All the cars were treating it like a four way stop. The streetcar going East was stopped, the one coming West wasn’t quite at the intersection yet, but had started to slow down. Me. I was jaywalking as usual – see me in the NE corner? I’d wave, but I’m rushing to get to work on time.

Four way stop. Blue pickup truck started to go. I started walking across. I was looking at the police car (with the lights flashing) and wondering why the guy sitting in the front of the car isn’t directing traffic. It’s not an overly heavy intersection, but there are a lot of crazies out there. And they all wear hospital gowns with the back flapping open…

Sorry, I’ll stick to the facts.

Blue pickup truck (actually it was black, but it wouldn’t have shown up as well in my picture) was going through the intersection. (At this point, I was halfway across the street.) When all of a sudden, KABOOM!! White cargo van didn’t realize that the lights at intersection X and Y were out, and decides to drive right through… and right into Blue/Black pickup truck.

[I’ll insert note here that everyone seemed to be ok because they were able to get out of the car and yell at each other.]

[I’ll also note here that real car accidents are never as KABOOOMISH as the movies make them out to be. It’s more of a CRUNCH really, than a KABOOM.]

It took a few moments, I think, for people on the street to get over the surprise. The police car (still with lights flashing) drove up to the *scene* of the accident (i.e. all 20 ft) and parked his car halfway in front of the streetcar and halfway in the lane of the westbound going traffic… i.e. in the middle of the other streetcar’s tracks. So, not only did he block the eastbound streetcar, he also blocked the westbound streetcar. On Queen Street - in the middle of rush hour. Way to go, Joe. Gold star for you.

So here’s what I’m wondering (and have been all day):

1) Why wasn’t the policeman directing traffic?
2) Why was he just sitting in the car?
3) Why did he have to block BOTH streetcar tracks?
4) If I had actually voted in the municipal elections today instead of blogging this, could we have had a more competent police force?

Sadly, the only one of my questions that I can answer is #4.

day 10934: why?

Tell me again, why. Why did I give up a life I loved? Why did I give up living in a place I loved? For what did I give up myself, my soul, my own sense of being?

Sure, I was still lost most of the time; bumbling around a life I was unsure of and not quite so happy with. But at least I had a choice, and at least I felt like I was free. At least I was happy with where I was living.

And now, almost thirty, back living at home with “mom” after being on my own for almost eleven years, laughing at myself with the others that tease me, but crying myself to sleep at night. It’s been almost two months and, no, I’m still not used to it. It is killing me, slowly, everyday that I am here.

I’ve tried to be positive. I’ve tried to embrace the whole new lifestyle load of crap. I’ve tried taking the subway, and commuting with hundreds of other faceless, emotionless clones who run because they want to catch the freaking train. I’m not like that. I’m not one of them.

The party line is that I’m trying to save up money to buy my own place. Bullshit.

I’m here because her tenant moved out, and she made a fuss about selling the house because she’d be living here alone. Yes, I gave in to the guilt. I am asian, afterall. I was born with guilt. There is a timeline of a year, but I honestly don’t think I’ll last that long. Another two months at most. It’s already a day to day struggle.

Fuck anyone who tells me to suck it up and just do it because I’m “saving money.” I’m not saving any money by living here. After rent and incidentals, I’m saving $60 a month. That’s all. Sixty fucking dollars that I have to spend taking a cab home on a Saturday night because I no longer live 15 minutes away from anywhere I want to be.

Fuck anyone who tells me to grow up, suck it up and just tough it out for the year. You have no idea what it's like, and you have no idea what I've given up. Because, fuck you, you're not here.

day 10931: perspective

I hate agressive downtown cabdrivers that make me incredibly paranoid when I'm on my bike.

I am incredibly thankful for agressive downtown cabdrivers when I'm trying to make it home from work by midnight.

day 10930: november something or rather

I missed all the Davinci Code hype this past year. I read the book a year and a half too early, and by the time the movie came around, I didn't feel like paying to see the movie.

I think I'll rent the dvd when it comes out.

day 10929: signs

If you pay attention, you find that life has patterns. A year ago, it was all about coincidences and perfect timing. A week ago, it was about food and gluttony. Today, it's about Jordan, Ontario, a place I didn't know existed until yesterday.

None of the patterns were particularly important, but it begs the question... if I pay attention, what is the world trying to tell me?

day 10928: nightmares

Three nights ago, my work was in shambles and I couldn't figure out how to balance my financial statements and my leadsheets. I quit my job and went to a university in the middle of nowhere bordered by a lake and a lot of flat land covered in golden wheat. There was a small town nearby with a red 1800's style house, and I kept having to drive to and from it dropping people off.

Two nights ago, my life was in shambles and my boss yelled at me for something that wasn't really my fault, but really was at the same time. I think I cried. I went on vacation to a seaside resort where Italian men held impromptu horse races on the beach. A Mexican restaurant was upstairs from the condo I was staying in and the clouds billowed like crazy. Then my boss called to yell at me some more, so I pulled on a pair of rubber boots and went wading in the water. The sky was blue and one of my teeth fell out (I dream a lot about my teeth falling out).

One night ago, my mom had cancer, she adopted a family of cats (two of which turned on and ate half of another one - blood and gore everywhere), then adopted 5 more cats. We ran for our lives and watched as a group of ninjas macheted POWs, but we saved ourselves by dressing as Red Cross workers and hiding amongst a group of nuns. We then moved to a pretty cool loft made for a really tall person, so that I had to hike myself up onto the counter just to reach the sink. There was a giant fishtank with a girl swimming in it all the time.

The vividness of my dreams led me to realize:

1. No more oysters before bed
2. No more heavy meals and lots of sugar before bed
3. No more falling asleep with the television on
4. Work is killing me and I can never get away from it
5. Toronto has no good Mexican food
6. I'm allergic to cats even in my dreams
7. I keep dreaming about that university, but I've never been there
8. I'm always the designated driver
9. I really like living on the water
10. I need to get out more
11. I dream in Technicolour

day 10926: 3030303030303030303030303030303030

I wonder sometimes if I stay because I am lost. Things have changed, what once was is now no more. One foot in front of the other, living life a breath at a time, not thinking, not reacting, just existing.

Merely existing, and not living.

Wasting space, wasting time, wasting a life that someone else would be envious of, and yet, I make no move to change.

Thirty days until I turn thirty.

day 10925: i pray to all that is holy that i was never like this...

auditor: So can you explain why your cash has gone up?
schmassion: No. Just look at the cash flow statement. That's why it's there.
auditor: Um. Can you explain it to me?
schmassion: I've already summarized everything for you. There's nothing else that happened that isn't already on there.
auditor: Um. Can you just walk me through it?
schmassion: Basically, you want me to read it to you?
auditor: Um. Yeah.

~

auditor jr: That's not my job.
auditor sr: Yes it is.

day 10923: happy halloween from teh lush...

"I'm not a lush... oh wait... yesh I am."

I love Halloween. Ever since the first time I dressed up in a Chinese meen lap with a set of Mickey Mouse ears plopped on my head and two spots of lipstick drawn onto my cheeks, Halloween has been magical.

I love the excitement, anticipation and even the little bags of Humpty Dumpty gas-flavoured potatoe chips they handed out when I was in grade two. I love all of it. Even the little rocket candies that I hate so much.

My kids are going to love Halloween as well. And they're going to have wicked costumes... not clown outfits that they wear year after year just to score free candy (although that was really cool the first time around).

Things that I've been:

... Chinese Mickey Mouse...
... farm hick with a Big Bird sweatshirt...
... clown... I wanted to be a princess...
... Superman...
... clown... i wanted to be a ghost...
... clown... I wanted to be a princess... again...
... clown... I wanted to be a vampire...
... cowboy...
... Charlie Chaplin, but my moustache fell off so I was just a man...
... Wednesday Adams...
... Go-Go Yubari...
... Winnie-the-Pooh...
... pylon from Toy Story...

day 10923: my dog's ears smell like McDonald's cheeseburgers

I've been spending so much time away from home recently, my dog no longer recognizes me.

day 10922: gong show of a fcuked up weekend

1. You go to the grocery store, and come home with a fur coat.
2. What was supposed to take three hours ends up taking two days.
3. You don't have your cellphone, keys, passcard, or your toothbrush.
4. White trash drunk girl at a club calls you a bitch, pulls your hair and deliberately spills her drink on you because you went to talk to your friend that she was trying to hit on.
5. You fall asleep in the middle of someone's living room floor.
6. You wake up hungover and have to go to work.
7. Driving home from work at midnight on a Sunday night, and all you can think about is how easy it would be to drive into a lamppost so that you don't have to go to work tomorrow.
8. You have 5 hours before you have to wake up and do it all over again.

day 10919: what are friends for?

What are the odds that you have 50+ people over for a belated Turkey Day potluck, and you give your guests the option of bringing drinks, a side dish, appetizers or a date for the hostess, and NO ONE brings a date for the hostess?

day 10918: finally.... introducing.... the office pets!

seamonkeys...

They're tiny, but they're alive. Ever since I started reading comic books, I've always wanted some. Hours, and hours of endless fun.

Or so they say.

(ps. Those little white dots in the picture, those aren't it. They're still too small to take a picture of. Maybe next week.)

day 10917: the suspense is killing ya, ain't it

Sorry folks, forgot my camera today.

Going drinking with the monkeyco. Hasta luego.

day 10916: too much of a good thing

Give me an inch, and I’ll take the whole lane. Introduce me to Photoshop, and I’ll make all my pictures look overexposed.

Damn… I really need to learn how to use that thing. I’ve taken some otherwise perfectly good pictures, and made them hideous.

Tomorrow, if I remember to bring my camera to work, I’ll be introducing the newest members of the Schmassion family!

Yay… aren’t you excited?!!

day 10915: post i had to backdate because i didn't want to hurt the fish's feelings

Introducing... *drum roll*...

SAKE BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I got the googly-eyed-bubble-boy months ago (i.e. March), but I forgot to post his picture. And, as we all know, if I didn't post his picture before I post the picture of the newest addition(s) to the Schmassion family, his feelings will get hurt.

We really don't want THAT to happen.

(ps... I know the picture is blurry. Do you know how FREAKING HARD it is to take a good shot of a camera shy fish?!)

day 10914: you don't bring me flowers, anymore

It occurred to me that I've never had a guy bring me flowers. Bacon always talked about giving flowers to a girl for no reason, but I guess he always found reasons not to give me flowers. Triscuit sent flowers to my office one V-day, and brought me a bunch after I was stabbed to death on stage playing Victor in Zastrozzi, but neither really counted, since he only did it for fun, and not because he really meant it.


I think it's important that my next boy brings me flowers, hide them behind his back when I look through the peephole at him, and then surprise me with a boyish flourish as he presents me with a bouquet of the-perfect-shade-of-pink flowers.

Because, damn it, I'm a girl and girls like that kind of shit.

day 10913: people... people who need people...

... are the luckiest people in the world...

Seeing Babs in concert tonight. So freaking excited. I love Babs. Always have.

day 10912: blog stalking

I could tell you that I didn’t mean to - that I didn’t start out with the intention of stalking - but you won’t believe me. Had the situation been reversed and I told that to myself, I probably won’t believe myself either.

One site led to another which led to another which led to yet another. I started looking for restaurant recommendations, and ended up finding the blogs of Triscuit’s co-workers.

Sadist that I am, I went through their archives trying to find out details about his wedding to Really-Annoying-Girl (aka Bitch Chick).

On the flip side, strange as this may sound, I know they’re stalking me too

day 10911: hablo un poco de espanol

If you walk into a pharmacy and use the phrase "Estoy embarazada. Estoy constipado" to order up some laxatives, they'll look at you oddly and laugh to themselves while filling your prescription.

estoy embarazada : (es-toy em-ba-ra-tha-da)
1. I’m pregnant
2. Does NOT mean, “I’m embarassed”

estoy constipado : (es-toy kons-tee-pa-do)
1. I have a cold.
2. Does NOT mean, “I’m constipated”

day 10910: fraud

One day they'll realize that I'm not really a numbers person, and that I really don't belong in Finance.

Until then, I'll keep pretending that I know what I'm talking about.

day 10909: friday the thirteenth.

It was cold for an early October day. It had snowed the day before, and the bare hill top provided no respite from the chill of the wind.

People huddled in groups. For warmth, maybe for comfort; I do not know. Little was said and what little said was hurried.

Flowers tossed, goodbyes whispered, we walked away and prayed that she at last had found peace.

day 10898: missed connection (tribute to craigslist)

you: walking northbound on Victoria
me: walking southbound
we: passed each other in the middle of Richmond

I noticed you noticing me. I didn’t notice my heel getting caught on the streetcar tracks. My shoe fell off...

you: snickered at me
me: turned beet red and mumbled something to myself
we: coffee?

day 10896: 30 things to do before i'm done being 30

My list, with a twist... until I've crossed every item off, I refuse to age.

1. a passport and a toothbrush
2. learn to converse en français fluently
3. trust again, love again, learn to love myself again
4. ride a mechanical bull
5. be spontaneous and reckless in a good way
6. swim with the sharks
7. decorate a cake a la Colette and Mike
8. write a song and have it performed
9. dance in the rain and dance like no one's watching
10. know my limit and accept it
11. go skinny dipping
12. learn how to take a compliment
13. run a 5k and 10k
14. climb one of the seven summits
15. go to an all-you-can-eat and not eat all-I-can-eat
16. send a message in a bottle
17. write the novel
18. drive the Autobahn
19. ask someone I’ve just met to go on a date
20. stand up to someone for someone
21. lose that last 15lbs
22. buy everyone in a bar a drink
23. ride a camel in the desert
24. follow the Nile and see the pyramids
25. go to Cambodia and explore the temple ruins
26. find a job I love
27. hot air balloon
28. climb the CN tower
29. go on an east coast eating tour
30. save the turtles

day 10895: pray for me

If being pregnant is as sucky as having the stomach flu, then I never want to have kids.

day 10890: open call

I need suggestions for my "30 things to do before I'm done being 30."

Post up and be creative! I've done a lot of stuff in these 29 years of mine...

day 10889: it’s not the end to the journey, but the journey to the end

Oh sweet nectar, thou dost betray me.

I yearn for you. Too much, methinks.

You force my hand, and I must renounce thee.

Get thee from my sight, oh sweet, wondrous ambrosia.

Get thee from my sight…

Raise one up for me. I’m going dry until December. First step for the 30 things to do before I’m done being 30. I’ll post up another time.

[ed note: hm, this is really hard… let’s try two weeks to start…]

day 10887: so long, farewell...

day 10886: procrastination

um... somebody help?

day 10884: what’s your mcbeef?

Questions du jour:

1. What’s in my McPatty that it only costs $0.04 to upgrade from a cheeseburger to a double cheeseburger? Is it really beef? Should I be scared?

2. Can McD really make a profit on my $0.04 beef patty? Should I be scared?

3. Where in the world is McD’s finding such cheap cows? What kind of crazy-ass mad cows are these? Should I be scared?

4. Why does it cost me $0.10 to get an extra dipping sauce for my McNuggets where it only costs me $0.04 for a “meat product”? Should I be scared?

5. Why do I sound like a crazy-ass cheapo accountant? I’m scared.

day 10882: go speedracer…

Wow, what a week so far.

Sunday, I almost killed myself stepping on my own dog’s crap. I slipped and skidded and just narrowly avoided a header into boxes of wine glasses.

Today, I got a speeding ticket going 73km/h in a 50km/h zone. Only, I HONESTLY thought that it was 60km/h. 3 demerit points, so I’m taking it to court.

Forget going to the mattresses… I’m going back to bed.

day 10880: courting a new beginning

30 boxes weren’t enough.

In a week, I will be moving home to living with the mama. Hopefully, it will only be for a year until things get settled and the Toronto real estate market crashes.

But somehow I doubt it.

Though I love living by the waterfront, and I love the lifestyle that I lead, there is something missing. I need something more.

I need room to fuel my passions, room to grow, and room to redevelop a love for myself.

Things will be different. It will take a lot of time to adjust. There will be days that I rage against my situation and who I think I’ve become. But hopefully in the end it will all be for the best.

Hopefully, it will only be for a year.

Or until the Toronto real estate market crashes.

Whichever one happens first.

day 10879: wist and wonderment

I dreamt that I bumped into Brad Pitt and we began reminiscing about days past. Years ago, we dated for all of nine days until I dumped him for Triscuit.

I broke Brad’s heart. He came in for a good bye kiss and I rejected him. I completely forgot and laughed at him when he told me. I’d even forgotten that I even dated him.

I woke up thinking that I had to dig up some pictures from that summer to show my Brad Pitt crazed coworker. It took me a while to realize that it had all been a dream and Brad doesn’t know I exist.

day 10878: the dog days of summer past

I suppose you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the past few months. So have I. I can’t remember. All I can think of is the countless times I found myself watching movies at work (at 1am in the morning) when I should have been working. It’s been a rough few months, a tough year. Hopefully, with the moon rising in the third quarter of the setting sun of the eight planet, things will start looking brighter.

But anyway, just in case I totally lost it, my 1st annual summer summary:

1. I watched a lot of television.
2. I watched a lot of movies at work when I should have been working.
3. I figured out how to set up two monitors at work so that I can work with one monitor and show a movie on the other monitor.
4. Really, I actually do use both monitors to work.
5. No, I’m not a geek, and I will never admit to being one.
6. I spent a lot of time at work.
7. When I say a lot, there were days when I went home to grab a shower and a two hour nap and then I went back to work.
8. I gained 8lbs because my gym was closed by the time I got of work.
9. Also, my brain hurt too much to let me work out, and I got really good at justifying my inactivity.
10. Hence, refer back to #1. No brainpower required.
11. As a result of too much #1, I can no longer fall asleep without the television on.
12. I think it’s a conspiracy.
13. I bought a motorcycle at the beginning of the summer.
14. Three weeks later, I tore something in my hand.
15. A week after that, I did it again.
16. As a result, I still have not really ridden the motorcycle I bought in #13.
17. Which pleases my mother very much because the damned Ministry of Finance sent the motorcycle paperwork to my mother’s house.
18. If you haven’t figured it out, mother hates motorcycles.
19. It was probably better that way, since because of #6, I really haven’t had time to ride the motorcycle anyway.
20. It was also the summer of weddings.
21. There were a lot of weddings.
22. I almost went into debt at one point of the summer because of the weddings.
23. While I’m happy for all the married people, weddings make me sad.
24. I was sad a lot this summer.
25. No, it wasn’t necessarily because of the weddings. See #6.
26. Also see #8. #8 really disturbs me, but I still can’t pull my ass off the couch.
27. I spent a lot of time with the dog.
28. I brought her to work.
29. Creepy guy at work made me scared to be at work by myself when everyone else in the building was gone.
30. Thank goodness creepy guy got fired.
31. Part me still thinks that creepy guy is stalking us and watching us from the parking lot across the street.
32. He was really creepy. He said people’s names after he sneezed.
33. He lied a lot.
34. I hate liars.
35. I ended a close friendship this summer because he wouldn’t stop lying.
36. There were other reasons as well, but I don’t feel like talking about it again.
37. It’s over for now, but I’m waiting for the kerplosions.
38. I’m declaring war….
39. I’m going to the mattresses…
40. I’m moving home to live with the maternal one.
41. Don’t ask.
42. It’s only for a year.
43. Kick me if I’m still there in a year.
44. Unless I’m running my wedding cake business out of the basement by then. Then I’ll need the space.
45. Wedding cake business is a result of #21. Crazy cake lady almost got her face shoved into a cake… biotch wrecked the whole planning process of my cousin’s wedding.
46. So did the guy in #35. Idiot.
47. I went to Calgary.
48. There wasn’t as many cowboys as I had hoped.
49. I really like cowboys.
50. And French boys.
51. Alas, I did neither this summer. Gosh darned it.

day 10875: there’s so much

There’s so much I want to say…
So much I want to do…
So much I want to see…
I want so much to live.

But I can’t because I’m stuck…
In a rut…
In a hole…
In someone else’s life.

Help me.

I’m back.

day 10844: to what end?

Am I still at work because I’m trying to hide from life?

day 10819: sure do know how to pick 'em...

Feel so slimy and used.

Ugh.

I'm on hiatus. Don't feel like blogging anymore.

day 10817: freak of nature

For an asian girl, I am particularly well endowed. My frontal chestage area, as I’ve just been told, requires an “F” cup. I didn’t even know they made an “F” cup. I’m hoping that “F” is the asian translation for a “C” and that somewhere out there, some flat-chested asian girl is just trying to screw with my mind because she’s so GODDAMN JEALOUS that there actually exists someone with BOOBS BIGGER THAN PEBBLES.

You don’t even know what kind of havoc these things have caused. I’ll be traumatized for life.

day 10814: morbid thursday

As a child, I was fascinated with reference books. I’d sneak into the basement and spend hours reading the set of 1908 encyclopedias my parents bought at a garage sale for $5. I lugged around the Charlie Brown Encyclopedia, sneaked it into my desk at school and flipped through random pages while pretending to pay attention to whatever the heck the teacher du jour was trying to impart.

It used to intrigue me whenever I read through the pages of past US presidents that listed out names and the dates of presidencies. Whenever I got to one where the president died midterm, I’d read the caption “DIED IN OFFICE” and imagine the poor guy lying dead in the Oval Office and wonder how he died.

Check this out… fascinating...

day 10813: oh me, oh my…

Dear Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation,

I believe you’ve made a mistake in your last 649 draw. The numbers should have been 02 15 19 23 17 39.

I thought we had an agreement. I buy a ticket and my numbers come up. I win $10 million, and you fleece another $20 million out of the “losers.” We both come out on top.

I demand an explanation. You reneged on our deal. Did someone offer you more than the $2 that I paid? Did they, perhaps, play encore?

Damn you. I was really looking forward to my $10 millon.

Sincerely,

Schmassion

day 10811: like a freaking lemming…

Let me tell you, THIS was the most overrated 3.947 seconds of my life.

I want my $6.36 back.

day 10808: the week in which I’ve had a billion things to say, but nothing comes out right

Stay tuned.

day 10804: $20/week recap…

Hypothetically, it is possible to eat on less than $20/week. It just takes a little finesse and a lot of drastic measures… like cutting out coffee.

By Friday morning, I had only spent $18 on breakfast, lunch, coffee and snacks for the week. I packed a couple lunches, got a free lunch from a committee I’m on, stopped buying coffee and was forced to drink office swill that tasted worse than Chinese herbal medicine.

More impressively, on the $18, I managed to treat a co-worker to a McDonald’s sundae, take a friend to lunch, and buy a teammate a promised Dairy Queen Butterscotch Dipped Cone.

But then I blew the budget Friday afternoon taking Sista out to lunch.

day 10798: how to survive on $20 a week or less… part two

Day 1 spending… $0.00.

Secret: A surprisingly hearty breakfast of frozen blueberries (thawed in the micronuker, of course) mixed with a packet of 2 year old instant oatmeal. And then a delicious lunch of stirfry made with the freshest of ingredients – 3 month old previously frozen ground beef and extra fermented (extra old) kim chi.

I’m cleaning out the fridge AND I’m eating well…

Delish!

[ed note: I feel the need to change the title to “how to survive on $20 a week or less… on breakfast, lunch and coffee… because anything more would just be completely ridiculous”]

day 10797 ½: today's perplexing questions...

Is there an asian equivalent to white trash?

What do you call a caucasian person who wants to be asian?

day 10797: how to survive on $20 a week or less

It's the first hour of the first day of the "$20 week". Already, I've spent the better part of my morning fantasizing about all the different things I want to go buy for breakfast.

I'm not even hungry.

I want to buy chai... I want to buy coffee...

I want to buy *gasp* a MUFFIN... I DON'T EVEN LIKE MUFFINS!!

day 10792: i lub me my perks

It's always a good day at monkeyco when a steel drum band makes a company-wide announcement calling everyone down to the bar to do the limbo.

It's even better when you sneak out right afterwards for a massage.

day 10790: something my therapist should have told me

Apparently, I have a lot of pent up rage. In the past two weeks, I've pummelled a whole assortment of people who have pissed me off in the last year.

Now, if only it happened in real life and not in my dreams. Maybe then I'll feel vindicated and ready to move on.

day 10789: how i graduated from the school of life with an "f"

Lesson #6341215: Set goals

When you think you've hit rock bottom, you still have a fair ways to go.

day 10788: i deserve deserve really want a fairy tale ending

I'm not saying that my life is miserable or that I've been through such hardship and pain that the radiance of karma should shine down upon me in all it's magnificent glory. That's not the point.

The point is that I while I might not deserve a fairy tale ending or a happy ever after, I want it. I want it badly.

I want it all... the glass slipper, the flowers, and most of all, the prince charming.

day 10786: social misfit

When I was 11, I only knew that making crank calls at sleepovers was “COOL”. I didn’t know what you were supposed to do when you crank called someone, I just knew that it was “FUN” to call someone, giggle and hang up.

What I didn’t know was that it wasn’t “COOL” to call your other friends’ houses, ask their parents if you could speak to them, and when they came to the phone, giggle and hang up. Inevitably, they’d call back, because, like… you’re 11, and you call that house a billion times a day anyway, so their parents RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE.

day 10785: overheard...

teacher: kid... would I lie to you?
kid: yeah...
teacher: You're right.

~

chick-on-the-phone: No anal. Why would I put something in my mouth that's been up my ass... I don't care how many showers you take. That's gross!

day 10783: screw with me once, shame on you...

Screw with me twice, shame on me...

Try to force your way back in my life directly or indirectly, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU??

Go to hell.

day 10782: space

There are days when you sit at home on the couch. On the verge of tears because you’re missing something that you don’t even know you’re missing. You wait for something to happen, but you don’t know what it is that you’re waiting for.

You only know that your life is not as complete as you pretend it to be. You’re not quite as together as people think, and things aren’t really falling into place so much as you once hoped that they would.

The goals and ideas that you once knew now no longer exist. Timelines have come and gone, and the only perception of reality that you have for yourself is now in what people expect of you, but not of what you expect of yourself

The truths you once knew have now become a lie, and you are lying to yourself every moment of every waking second, knowing that you’re still searching for the meaning, the purpose, the thing, task or being that will make your life complete.

And the scariest part of it all is that you’re terrified that you won’t recognize it when you find it, so you’ll forever keep looking for something that doesn’t really exist.

day 10781: what the devil is up with the devil?

Waking up in the shower with the water still running at 5am in the morning after a night of heaving out your insides is probably not most people's definition of a good Friday night.

It's not mine either. Really.

day 10777: 10”… size (er… length) matters…

It took three years of tangles, tears and threats to grow my hair past my waist. Tomorrow night I will bid a sad farewell to it all. But in the end, it’s worth it because there will be a kid out there with a smile bigger than mine.

http://www.locksoflove.org/

day 10776: so full of hate

Things bug me, and I obsess about them. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop it.

Saps. my. energy.

So. tired. of. all. this.