Wednesday, May 4

day 10380: the importance of having wood

I overreacted. I know I have a tendency to do that. But you don’t understand. Let me preface this by telling you about the bet that JB and I have that he cannot burn all the wood that I gathered for Triscuit’s bonfire this Saturday.

Curry crab at Indochine is riding on this. And if you’ve ever been to Indochine, you know this is a BIG deal.

“Ok, are you sitting down?”

“Yes… why????????????”

“Terry just called. The woodchipper is making its way down the beach and grinding up all the wood in its path…”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What about MY wood?”

“Don’t know. The chipper hasn’t gotten there yet. It’s still a little ways up the beach. Terry’s going to put a sign on it. I’ll update you when I get home.”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The HORROR!!!!!!!!!!”

But there’s more to the story. I spent two days gathering the wood and lugging tree sized logs from one end of the beach to the other. Let’s not even talk about telephone poles and who’s-its or what’s-nots. I heaved, I hoed, I raked, I cleaned up the beach until it was very nearly spotless… the logs I didn’t have the strength to lug and pile up, I stood up, replanted and created my own version of beach art. Really, it looked more like a dead forest.

Like the anal accountant that I am, I even organized by size… for “easy burning.” Six wheelbarrows full of kindling to start the bonfire, smaller branches to get the fire going stronger, logs cut and logs uncut (i.e. trees).

(Yes, I know I am anal. I have come to terms with it. So should you.)

But there’s more. There was a temper tantrum on day two. It was a gloomy day. I had not planned on beach cleanup day… especially by myself while Triscuit worked on replanting grass in the front yard. I was feeling like slave labour, and friends of Triscuit’s last-summer-after-me-before-me-again-fling came rollerblading by. Needless to say, it was not a pretty sight.

I did the whole girlie-jealousy thing, but held it all in until everyone was out of sight or long departed before I let loose. I teared. I huffed. I flung stones with all my might into the murky grey waters of Lake Ontario.

I was not a happy camper. Neither I, nor my new pink work gloves were having fun anymore. I flung my rake down, turned over the wheelbarrow, planted my sand covered hiny on the beach and refused to do anymore.

Then, it happened.

Two kids… not more than sixteen… came riding by on their bikes. One stopped, lowered his sunglasses, whistled and rode off again…

I must be cute when I'm mad.

It cheered me up enough to go to the batting cages to work off the rest of my "grumpiness."

"Don't worry, your wood is fine. JB will have to burn it all this Saturday though, since Terry promised that it'll be gone by the end of the weekend. So you're going to lose your bet..."

Crap.

Monday, May 2

day 10378: randomania…

softball is the sport of the devil

It’s been almost ten years since I played last, but because of softball, I lost all desire to be #1. I no longer needed to be better than anyone else at everything and learned to settle for mediocre.

I once almost blinded someone. It was my fault for holding up my glove while covering first base so that when she tried to beat the ball, she ran into my glove. Maybe she should have looked up while she was running.

I once almost knocked out someone’s teeth. But that was her fault. She should have told me that she couldn’t catch. I wouldn’t have lobbed the ball up high. I didn’t know she’d just stand there staring at it… she could have ducked.

Spring season starts in 8 days. Whoopie! I wonder what harm I can inflict on my fellow humans this time…

friendly stranger

JB and I took a walk down Queen St yesterday and made a stop here. I felt like such a tard since my experience with the um… you know… is severely limited. But at least it wasn’t me sounding like a tard asking for help and trying to figure out how to roll a joint. It didn’t help either that I was wearing my Billabong hoodie drinking taro bubbletea with multi-coloured coconut jellies either. I just looked like a preppie-druggie-wannabe.

I swear I “never” inhaled… ever...

Blood test is tomorrow. This weekend should be…um… “fun”…

I don’t know what you’re talking about. You never heard anything about that here…

i miss my sista

I miss someone telling me not to do things on impulse and that sometimes it’s not a good idea to stalk my boyfriend… especially when I’m on an ultra-emotional-super-pms’g weekend.

That way, when he says “I had a feeling you’d drop by today and surprise me,” I won’t find myself replying with, “I went out for Swiffer clothes and found myself in Hamilton because I couldn’t find any other Canadian Tires in the city.”

Yeah right. Sure I believe you. Sure… delusional-wierdo-chickie-freak…

Did I mention that Friday night was fight-picking-night. Fun for the whole family!!! Whoo hoo…

”i was all over her like a fat kid on a smartie”

Kudos to Bullpen Larry for almost making me spew water all over my monitor. Almost…

bartending classes...update

I know A LOT about alcohol. A little too much... and not all of it is work related. That's a little scary... doncha think?

Admittedly, it's pretty cool being able to recommend drinks left, right and centre. Ask me for something limey and I'll give you a list as long as your arm! ;)

Friday, April 29

day 10375: fcuk that...

The bad thing about eating a really good smoked salmon ciccio from Mercatto On Bay with insalata tossed with balsamic vinaigrette is that no matter how good it tasted, it'll still taste like that hours later...

Ugh... re-burp smoked salmon... a pack of gum later... still ugh.

Thursday, April 28

day 10374: a lady just came around pushing a cart and handed me a bottle of wine

Before you read on, click on this… Support breast cancer research through drinking… I like that!

(ps… in Ontario, no mailing is necessary. Funds are donated based on sales recorded at the LCBO)

~

…hanging out with the boys…

Yesterday afternoon, Triscuit IM’d me asking about my plans for the weekend and that a bunch of ex-coworkers wanted to get together Saturday night for drinks. Great, I thought, we never go out with his friends… always mine or our common friends. Baby step forward… YES!

But I erred on the side of caution and instead asked him the question, “Are you inviting me or telling me?”

“Telling,” he responded. “I hope you’re ok with that.”

Humph. One step back. I’m sooo not down with that… so not down with that… breathe… breathe… breathe… Why? Is he embarrassed by me? Does he not want to be seen with me? Why am I being so darn insecure with myself? Shades of past-Triscuit float through my mind…

No… it’s just more of a guy thing. They want to sit, drink, talk about the old days, make jokes about women and then drink until they pass out.

Ok, phew… well then, whatever, fine, I guess I’ll find something else to do… and eventually “have fun.”

But it was too late… the wheels in the head had started going ‘round-and-’round. Why did he bother asking if I was ok with it? He’d go drinking with the boys even if I wasn’t ok with it. If I said that I wasn’t ok with it and he ended up not going then he’d be all crankypants with me… and WAS HE ASKING PERMISSION?

Huh? Does he think I was the type of girl would doesn’t want her boy to do anything without him? Because in my mind, that’s just wrong… we don’t have to do everything together… and boy, do I ever feel like a BITCH now! Does he expect me to ask if he’s ok when I do things without him? I don’t ask him. I don’t tell him. I make plans and then see if he wants to tag along…

And so we had a little mini “discussion” via IM.

“It’s all in the way you say it, baby.” I wrote. “If you say, hey… do you have backup plans for Saturday night, cuz I want to go hang out with the boys… then all I’ll say is sure, I’ll find something to do… have fun. But if you ask me if I’m ok with you going somewhere without me, then it sounds like you’re feeling guilty about it, and that there’s something you’re not telling me that makes me wonder why I’m not invited.”

“Maybe I overthought it,” Triscuit typed back. “I just thought if your feelings would be hurt because I wanted to do something on my own or if you’d feel left out. Maybe I won’t think so much next time.”

“Though to be honest… I’m only ok with it because you said it was a guy’s thing… if it wasn’t just hanging-out-with-the-guys I would not be ok with it… cuz then I’d start wondering why again.”

“Completely understandable… “

Take one step forward…

Tuesday, April 26

day 10372 1/2: you asked me what i want out of life...

I want this. I want knowing that you love me as much as I love you and that we have a chance at happy ever after.
day 10372: significance in nothing…

Is there a way to meet someone, know someone and not judge them?
Accept them for who they are and move on…

Let their presence flow over you like water and not let them bother you?

In the grand scheme of things, they, like you, are insignificant and unworthy of the time you spend clenching your fists and grinding your teeth, seething at their presence in the very same place that you find comfort and rejuvenation.

Yes, they may be undeserving, but then again, so are you.

From one extreme to the other… forgiveness to unrelenting hatred…

Why?

Monday, April 25

day 10371: the day in which i take the step towards my new career because last night i dreamt i was fired…

I’ve been having a whole whack of crazy ass dreams these days. In the past weekend, I’ve dreamt of assembling wheelchairs, sanding plaster off the wall, and other weird and wonderful things. Last night’s dream tops the charts though.

I dreamt I was fired. It seemed so realistic, that I woke up in a fit of what-am-I-going-to-do-now panic. In my dream, my boss wasn’t forthcoming about the whole firing issue and ended up hemming and hawing about it in front of an elderly age-spotted-client named “Mr. Love.” Someone from HR walked into the meeting and said something akin to “I guess it’s goodbye then.” And that was it.

I was jobless; canned on the spot and embarrassed beyond belief.

All this happened on a day that a comet was soaring through the sky. My cousin was watching it from a rooftop and I was supposed to join her. Instead, we crashed a party and met Mr. Love (before the firing incident) who somehow developed a soft spot for me. How could he not?

So at the meeting, Mr. Love voiced his outrage and offered to hire me instead. For what job, what position, doing what, I have no clue whatsoever. I could have said yes to being his love slave for all I know. I think he had a resume/technical writing business and I was to be his heir apparent.

All I know is that once I put my pink plaid jacket and laptop bag into the trunk of his really old yellow Mercedes convertible, my alarm went off (again) and I woke up disoriented and thinking that things are going to be changing really soon.

How prophetic.

Seriously though, what bugged me the most… WHY THE HECK COULDN’T I COME UP WITH A BETTER NAME INSTEAD OF “MR. LOVE.”

Friday, April 22

day 10368: don't hate me because i'm lazy...

Promise me you won't be jealous when I tell you this...

In about half an hour, I'm heading to the spa for a morning of massage, manicure, and pedicure. And when I'm all aglow and tired from being pampered, I'm meeting up with the Maternal One (who I definitely need a new nickname for) and we're going jewellry shopping.

Tonight, Triscuit and I are dressing up just for the heck of it and going to Mildred Pierce for a romantic candlelight dinner for two... courtesy of the bachelorette auction (of course).

Tuesday, April 19

day 10365 1/2: good deeds and random ponderings

Is someone trying to punish me? I try to do something good, a tiny act of random kindness. It's not MY day on kitchen duty at monkeyco, so why is it that when I TRY to help someone out, I end up with coffee-water-backsplash all over my work skirt and new nylons.

*sigh*

Maybe I should have emptied the cup before I turned it over in the dishwasher.

~

I thought I was taking a break from all activities. So why is it so hard to schedule my bartending course. It's either conflicting with wedding one, bridal shower for wedding two, bonfire two, my motorcycle course, the airbrush course I finally signed up for, softball or one of my climbing days.

I don't even have any major projects coming up...

I'm tired.
day 10365: …wisps of white

Let’s get this part over with. I’m not Catholic. Baptised, yes. Catholic by choice, no.

That said, I, like the rest of the world, am on tenterhooks, waiting breathlessly to see who the new Pope-elect will be. Every plume of black smoke, every day the bells don’t ring heighten the anticipation.

Who will it be? Will it be a great statesman like the last, or someone ultra-conservative and closed to change within the Church?

I hope for a man who does not want to be Pope, a gentle man, a leader who has proven himself time and time again, but for the sake of the people he will lead and influence, he is a man open to the consideration of change, a statesman like Jean Paul II. I hope for a man who will work to improve life beyond the Church; someone quiet and unassuming who listens and does not rely on his popularity and dynamics to win him the Cardinal votes.

After all, the Papacy is the most powerful position in the world. With it brings great responsibility. Organized religion has done much for the world in the past, but it has also brought in a lot of wrongdoing and harm as well.

As I write, the wisps of white bellowed from the Vatican chimney. The bells have rung. The feeling of change is in the air.

Who will it be?

Monday, April 18

day 10364: let’s talk all in-tell-ec-tu-al-like… a’ight?

Contrary to popular belief, my life is not all shits-and-giggles, drinkie-poos-and- partying, and bouts of endless weekends spent sunning myself on the beach. I have been known to wax eloquently on a multitude of intellectual topics. I play a mean game of chess, a downright dirty game of Scrabble, and remain unbeatable in all shapes and forms of Connect-4. I can identify Robert Frost’s poetry as it is being quoted to me and can defend the upbringing of the typical CBC, even as I slump outside Ivory’s in a drunken absinthe-induced haze.

Just because I can drink men under the table does not mean I am a complete moronic flake.

But rereading recent past entries, that’s what it seems, doesn’t it. So, message me with a topic we’ll discuss.

I’m ready.

Round one.

*ding*

Saturday, April 16

day 10362: dirty dawg

Think girls dancing on the bar. Think bras hanging from the ceiling fixtures. Think Coyote Ugly.

And then think… man wouldn’t it be a whole heck of a lot of fun working there?

Because that’s exactly what I’m thinking, and that’s exactly what I was thinking the entire time I was dancing on the bar.

I’m thinking I need to rethink not taking the bartending course… this could be entirely too much fun.

Friday, April 15

day 10361: it’s ok, you just keep living in your own little happy world

A couple of weekends ago, Triscuit and I were spending a very bleary Sunday afternoon recovering from an equally bleary Saturday night. ABBA was playing, doggy cookies were fresh out of the oven, and we were laying one on top of the other in a random pile of people and dog.

Random kisses, absently scratching the dog’s head; we were content as can be listening to music… until I listened to the lyrics and attempted to sing along…

DID YOU KNOW THAT ABBA SONGS ARE SAD?

I didn’t. I also didn’t know that the astronaut in David Bowie’s Space Oddity floated away into outer space. I also didn’t know that Tracy Chapman’s Fast Cars wasn’t a happy song either.

I cried…

No REALLY, I CRIED. Tears weren’t just daintily flowing from the corner of my eyes. I BAWLED…

“Are you crying?”

“Why didn’t you tell me these songs were so sad…” I could barely get the words out… it sounded more like “Whddirtellkgsonwad…” I think I hiccupped.

“You’ve been singing the songs all day…”

“Yeah, but I don’t listen to the words. I just make them up as I go along…”

Wednesday, April 13

day 10359: heard & said…

“Because I am just THAT COOL, they should write a BOOK about me. Better yet, they should make a MOVIE. But then I’d be the ONLY person to watch the movie which would really suck because I’ve already lived it and so there will be no suspense and no surprise ending… what kind of sucky-ass movie is that? Ok, I’ll shut up now, and no, I’m not drunk.” Hic.

~

“Is cookie code for booze?”

~

“We’ll be Mr. and Mrs. Sleepyhead. They’ll make a game out of us. It’ll bore everyone to death and lull them all into sleepiness… shhh… don’t wake the Sleepyheads… they’re sleepy…”

~

“It’s hard to find the perfect shoes. If only I could buy these boots in shoes and maybe half and inch shorter and maybe in a different colour with a little more flashy-flash, I’d be perfectly happy… Oy… FCUK me… when did I become such a girl?”

“Sometime last year…”

“You should have shot me…”

“Yeah, probably.”

Tuesday, April 12

day 10358: IM

So I overreacted. I read the IMs and thought Triscuit wanted to have “the talk.”

[Insert panicky dread hand-wringing here.]

Everyone else thought I was overreacting except for me who really was overreacting but refused to admit it. I hate confrontation with a passion and go to the extremes to avoid it at all possible costs.

I prepped myself for the ultimate worse… and instead, came out of it relatively unscathed with a new pair of earrings (that I love) and a boy who will now call himself my “boyfriend.”

Finally.

Not that I would call him “my boyfriend.” It’s just one of those phrases that feel weird coming off your tongue.

“My boyfriend…”

Hmmm… maybe I could get used to it.

"My boyfried..."

Hmmm... probably not... but does this mean I can tell my grandmother now?

Monday, April 11

day 10357: Definition for $500 please, Alex

Laughing with the boys about their naked hoo-ha weekend, discussing Montrealers and metrosexuals… Triscuit leans over and asks, “What’s the definition of a metrosexual.”

I whisper back, “BMW…”

“Ahh. I get it.”

Saturday, April 9

day 10355: it's bad enough that it's naked hoo-ha weekend, but did you really have to go awol and make everyone worry?

Babe... promise me that the next time you're supposed to go out of town and don't because you got smashed having "dinner" with your roomie and his cousins, then you tell me or someone who will eventually tell me... don't leave it up to JB and Laaaaaaaaaaawwwrence to call me in a fit of panic the next morning because you were supposed to be there the night before and you still hadn't gotten there by lunchtime the next day.

And if you ever, ever, EVER do that again... at least turn on your cellphone.

I have better things to worry about than whether or not your car went into a ditch.

Sooo not happy about that.

Friday, April 8

day 10354: it’s your birthday…

I remember feeling you kick inside mom’s stomach, and putting my face down close so I could whisper nothings to you.

I remember the day you were born and being told to stay by the bunnies and fish tanks they used to have in the kids corner at the hospital.

I remember the day they brought you back from the hospital, being all excited when the car pulled up and jumping up and down on the sofa.

I remember holding you close and singing lullabies with words that made no sense.

Happy Birthday, Sista… no matter how many times I wanted to give you away when we were younger, I wouldn’t trade you for the world.

Thursday, April 7

day 10353: sharing is caring

Said the daughter to the mother, "What are you doing right now?"
Said the mother to the daughter, "Pooping."
"Ok, I'll call back later then."
"No, speak. Now's a good time, I've got nothing else to do right now."

Wednesday, April 6

day 10352: and all along i thought it was april 10th...

Whoops... well, happy belated anniversary to me two days ago. For what, I'm not saying.

That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, April 5

day 10351: learning to juggle

It was a Saturday afternoon; raining probably, since we were stuck inside. For lack of something better to do, Da proclaimed that it was as good a time as any to learn how to juggle and dug out a can of old, fuzzy tennis balls.

First it was gently tossing the tennis ball from one hand to the other… nothing too spectacularly difficult for the young softball superstar that I was way back when. Two balls, two hands… still nothing spectacular.

“What a cinch! I could do it blind folded.” I tried it and ended up whacking myself in the head.

Two balls, one hand was a lot harder to master. My hands weren’t big enough so I had to downsize to racquet balls… bouncier, and oh-that-much-more-painful when you throw too hard, and look down at the same time…

Three balls damn well nearly killed me.

But I learned how to juggle.

Sometimes it feels like life is a little like learning how to juggle. One thing, one stressor is fine. Two – no big deal – life goes on. Two at the same time… a little harder but still manageable with a few bumps and bruises along the way… but three… whoa… watch out…

… that is until you learn how to deal with it, and then you can start adding more. When it rains, it pours...

Monday, April 4

day 10350: ugh... 400 litres of mouthwash please?

This made me really sad (knowing that such a substandard level of human being exists)... after it made me gag at the thought...

Friday, April 1

day 10347: randomisc.

o This weekend I very firmly plan on baking at least 6 dozen doggy cookies just for the heck of it. I’m thinking I’ll start a little business selling cookies out of the Beach House shed this summer.

o Why am I on Papal death watch? I won’t even admit to being Catholic… damn my morbid curiosity. I also sat and watched CNN non-stop the day JFK Jr.’s plane went down.

o Last night, instead of watching a movie, Triscuit and I went to the LCBO. He almost passed out from shock when I told him about the possible strike. He then grabbed a cart and starting filling it with “necessities.” There were a lot of “necessities.”

o Because I only started budgeting on Wednesday, this week I still have $46.45 left in the food budget (until Monday morning). Technically, if I was to count from Monday, I would have $0.32, but I’m giving myself a little leeway in week one. So far so good. Now, too bad about the hockey stick, the taxi ride, the Swiss Chalet delivery last night, and the magazines I bought yesterday. Whoops. Bonus though, all the alcohol I bought last night was on GIFT CERTIFICATES. Whoopie!

o Scary. Monday afternoon 5:15, I had $175 in LCBO gift certificates. Thursday night, 8:15… I had $0.

o One second he’s talking about my lack of an ice cube tray, and the next second, he’s referring to himself as my boyfriend. Hm.

o I’m addicted to grapefruit.

Thursday, March 31

day 10346: quelle horror… une été sans boozies?

It’s time to stock up on the boozies, boys and girls. The current collective agreement between the LCBO and the Ontario Liquor Boards Employees’ Union ends today and workers voted 91% in favor of strike action. We’re looking at a possible cutoff to my boozie supply as early as mid-April/May if they don’t get their act together.

Either that, or we're going to have to switch to *gasp* beer. May the gods have mercy on our souls.

Wednesday, March 30

day 10345 1/2: where art thou, oh mysterious benefactor...

Remember the entry a couple of days ago about someone paying off my credit card and how estatically happy I was?

Turns out that the so-called "credit" payment was actually FAKE. The glorious people at AMEX were playing around with my balances transferring them from old-blue-card to new-not-blue-not-gold-but-really-ugly-yellow-card. Now I actually owe $3900 + because they screwed up the transfers and didn't tell me that they hadn't actually applied the "credits" (i.e. payments) that I had been making.

... and here I was all geared up to do some serious shopping. Instead, I'm living on no-name Cheerios and water for the next month or so.
day 10345: i swallow

It’s always the split second just before you swallow the last bite. Your brain starts hammering you with guilty thoughts…

“You shouldn’t have eaten that box of cookies,” it mutters. “What the hell were you thinking? You weren’t thinking, WERE YOU? Do you know how many calories, how much fat was in that? Do you know how goddamn plump you look in that picture?”

“It’s too late.” your stomach argues back. “Mwuaahahahahaha… I’ve got you now fatty-boo-boo-ness. There’s no turning back. MWUAAAAHAHAHAHA…”

Sunday, March 27

day 10342: my superhero name is… ultimate girl

When I arrived at the beach house late Friday afternoon, I found the boys cranking hard on an ancient carjack trying to pull out forty year old fence posts. There was “no way in hell” that they were going to dig them out by hand. Post #1 came out with only a little difficulty. 30 tons of pressure will do that to you. Post #2 took a considerably greater amount of effort and resulted in a very heavy duty steel carjack bent completely out of shape.

30 tons of pressure will do that to you, too; as will a two feet deep concrete foundation.

So for the lack of a better way (other than to dig by hand), they called it quits for the day, vowing to find a tool that would make their lives a heck of a lot easier.

Easier said than done.

Round TWO… FIGHT!!!

The rented jack didn’t work. The pressure of ripping a hundred somewhat pounds of concrete out of the frozen sand was too much for it to take. Post #3 took an inhuman amount of effort and extraordinary amounts of cussing and swearing and temper tantrums only to discover that forty years ago, the mold used to set the concrete had broken, thus leaking concrete in shapeless blobs, making it all the more difficult for us to try to YANK IT STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GROUND…

It’s kindergarden, really. Big non-circular object will not fit through small circular hole.

Elementary, my dear Watson. Elementary.

But no. The lesson would not be learned. Post #4 was tackled the same way. We looped a piece of chain around the fence post and attached it to the jack. We jacked the jack and jacked some more. But the post would not budge except to bend in a way that forced the pole to break and bits of concrete fluffing through the dirt.

[Insert massive amounts of profanity here.]

Still, he refused to dig. Instead he stormed off into the wild unknowns of the auto repair/hardware store known as Princess Auto never to be seen alive again (or so it felt like).

It was time to take matters into my own hands. Patience is as patience does, and I only have so much of it. I grabbed a shovel and dug.

And dug. And dug…

Little by little, I cleared just enough dirt that I could wiggle the post back and forth. I dug a little, talked to the neighbours, checked to see if Mr. There-has-to-be-a-better-way had finally returned, and dug a little more. I was having a glorious time doing it MY WAY. The way that existed WITHOUT grown men having TEMPER TANTRUMS…

One big heave and out came the post. No help from the hundreds of guys that had jogged and rollerbladed by. I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF.

I CAN DO ANYTHING. I AM A SUPERWOMAN. I AM AMAZING. I AM… damn, but my shoulder was throbbing… but I CAN DO ANYTHING HE CAN DO… I am the incredible, independent woman who showed everyone passing by on the Hamilton beach path that I AM REALLY, REALLY STRONG!

Oh yeah, baby. Post #4 is O-VER!!

The look of surprise and admiration in his eyes when he FINALLY came back carrying a second jack was worth it.

“Wow… oh wow… I can’t believe you did it. How did you lever it out? What did you use?”

I tried not to rub it in. “I didn’t use anything, I just lifted it out.”

“That’s a huge piece of concrete…”

“Yeah, I guess…” (See my attempt at modesty? What I really wanted to say was HELL YEAH, and where the heck were you for the past half an hour?)

“Wow. I’m impressed. Most girls aren’t as cool as you. First the dump and then this. Wow. Other girls would just pretend to help or something, but you… you… you’re the ultimate girl. You ARE the ULTIMATE GIRL!!!”

“Oh yeah, Bay-be…” I Hulk Hogan pose my not so scrawny arms… “HWA… I am ULTIMATE GIRLLLL! GRRRRR!!!”

Post #5 and #6… pshaw… didn’t even break a sweat…

Saturday, March 26

day 10341: i always knew i was a honky-tonk kind-a gal

9:30 am…

Riding in the pickup truck on the way to the city dump, sitting in the middle seat, no less, country music blaring on the radio, singing along with a smile on my face, Triscuit’s hand on my thigh, happy as can be.

“Heehee,” I said, “I put on makeup and we’re going to the dump! How girlie-girl can I be?”

“You can never be too girlie-girl.” Double take. “You put makeup on to go to the dump? Bay-bee… you’re totally white trash.”

“Bay-bee… I’m neither white, nor am I trash. Turn up that ray-dee-oh. I wanna hear me some Travis.”

7:30 pm…

Terry and Triscuit are up to their elbows in cornmeal mash

“Oh, we had a great day. We went to the dump, dug up the fence, drove around town in the pickup...”

“Listening to country music!” I chime in. Chop. Chop. More tomatoes for yesterday’s leftover bouillabaisse…

“Yeah, it was fun. J was sitting right up next to me on the bench seat. I always wanted to drive around in a pickup with my girl next to me.” Triscuit looks over and gives me a wink.

“Aw shucks… how cute. You guys are sooo white trash. Did she give you a blowjob too?”

Thursday, March 24

day 10339: ostrich? who me?

For all intents and purposes, I should be rich. If not rich, then I should have a nice healthy portfolio, own a house, maybe a rental property and be merrily on my way to an early retirement. In the least, I should have a semi-healthy portfolio and a rental property on the lakefront that garners me a sweet $1,700 in rental income per month.

But I don’t.

Instead, I have bonds dating back to 1985, a pittance of a so-called-RRSP, an etrade account that is in the red because they’re trying to charge me for my inactivity, $80 in an ING savings account, half a month’s pay in my chequing account, and a whole whack of debt owing to the bank of mom.

As you can tell, I’m well on my way to financial freedom!!

[notice sarcastic way of saying “I’m in the poor house, and if I don’t do something soon, I’m going to be flat broke and living under my desk at the office…”]

Please stop screaming. You don’t need to yell. Yes, yes, I know that as a person gainly employed in the field of FINANCE I should know better. I can discuss theoretical, practical, hypothetical accounting and give detailed tax-ical advice on the most inane of topics. I can manage the funds of a multi-national corporation, yet I can barely balance my own books.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

I mean well. I just don’t manage well. I have a pile of unopened mail sitting on my kitchen counter and am dreading the day that said-pile topples over when I’m at work… That would be the day I either find dear-dawg buried under an avalanche of eight month old mail, or deliriously happy running around unfettered in my not-too-tidy condo WITHOUT SUPERVISION. gasp. the. horror…

This is beyond ostrich-investment-personality where if you pretend you don’t see it, it doesn’t exist. This is borderline denial. Screw the ostrich, I’ve barricaded myself in a 4x4 bunker 100’ deep into the ground. I’ve hermit-ized myself from my own personally financial matters. In essence, I’ve become a FINANCIAL DEGENERATE… a FINANCIAL RETARD… a FINANCIAL NOBODY.

It’s time. I’ve bought this book and this book to get me started. This weekend will be filled with paperwork, balancing my debits and credits and getting started on my plan… to gain financial freedom by the time I’m 105.

Freedom 1-0-5 baby… you too can live the dream…

Tuesday, March 22

day 10337: i suppose

I suppose in a way that I should feel lucky. It’s not every day that a girl finds out that some mysterious benefactor paid off her credit card bills (and then some) and that she has a nice healthy little credit balance on her favourite credit card.

I should just thank my lucky stars and go on a shopping binge with a devil-may-care attitude. I need new jeans, new boots, new t-shirts, new cutesy skirts and everything else that I’m entitled to because I’m me, and I deserve it. And now I have the funds to do so.

Or do I?

Monday, March 21

day 10336: oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wow, oh wowwww…

The rush of adrenaline was almost orgasmic. A hundred people clapping and cheering; the eight of us deliriously happy that the second “Feed Me” Theatre Company production went off without a hitch.

It was grand. It was awesome. It was magical.

It is over.

We’ve gone through everything from bloodshed to tears. We’ve learned things about ourselves we never thought possible. Friendships were forged, some made stronger. We’re still alive, though just barely. I know now that I can do anything.

And the best part of it all... (apart from being centre of attention like my inner drama queen demands)… the bouquet of pink roses that Triscuit gave me IN FRONT OF MY MOM!!

If that doesn’t scream WOW… I don’t know what does…

Friday, March 18

day 10333: i am still alive!

There are a lot of things I refrain from talking about. Not so much because I don’t want to, because HELL YEAH sometimes I really, really DO want to share my deepest darkest secrets, but more so that some things (i.e. my favourite “chocolate-chip eating” position) really doesn’t need to be known by my nearest and dearest. I can share anonymously on someone else’s site, but the thought of a friend coming up to me with a knowing nod of his head and saying, “Hey, I know you like your coffee crisp!” (and then leer at me) disturbs me.

Ah, the joys of sharing one’s life in semi-full glorious detail and then having to edit it, because you think that if people knew about the full extent of your life, they’d probably disapprove. (Not like I’m talking leather or whips or chains or anything… though with all the what’s- it and going-ons over the past few weeks, leather, whips and chains have become almost regular every day vocabulary.)

I’m feeling the need to shake things up, and reach beyond my familiar comfort zone. I’ve tried almost every single hobby known to mankind, yet, I still feel like something is missing. Something exciting and unique... something that screams out “SCHMASSION, YOU’RE SO COOL!” Something that will give my inner drama queen the recognition and fame she deserves.

Tomorrow is play-day. We’ve spent months agonizing over a hundred pages of script, arguing over who’s-on-top and whether or not Victor should be dressed like a Catholic school girl. A hundred people have been suckered into driving out to god-forsaken suburbia (i.e. my old hood) and paying the exorbitant amount of $5 to watch the eight of us prance around in all our tom-foolery. And then it’ll be over. No more Tuesday night “rehearsals.” No more “practicing” on the weekends amidst choruses of “I don’t feel it today…”

I’m going to have time to spare, and tons of time to kill. I’ll need something new and soon, especially since Triscuit’s Friday night sailing lessons are going to start soon.

I think I’m going to start bartending. After all, that was today’s monkeyco cool thing of the day… I’m Smart Served now. I can serve drinkies for tips so that I can be tipsy. Oh yeah, baby...

Thursday, March 17

day 10332: by-the-ways

Triscuit and I officially "came out" as a couple to the people at the gym last night... or rather I did. Apparently in my drunken post-Paddy-Day-celebration haze, I called out "Good night, gym! I love you!" and when everyone turned to see what was going on, I had my hand down his pants.

Wednesday, March 16

day 10331: i'm only wasting precious blog space on idiotgirl because it's just so freaking funny

Triscuit (programmer extraordinaire): I spent the whole day on four lines of code!

Idiotgirl: Oh I HATE that!

Someone else: Aren't you an admin assistant or something?

Idiotgirl: Yeah, but I took a computer course in HIGH SCHOOL and I had to write code...

Me (thinking): Code for what? IF 1+1 = 2 then print happyface, ELSE print sadface? You freaking flake... what are you trying to prove? How cool you are because you wrote four lines of code FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?!

Monday, March 14

day 10329: the mystery of *gasp* the bachelor party

I don’t get it. Why the last hurrah? If a guy really wanted to go out, get smashed and see nearly-naked hoohas dangling in front of his face, he would have done it anyway, regardless of whether or not he is getting married.

Of course, nine-and-a-half out of ten guys are probably not planning their own bachelor party, so in actuality, it really is just an excuse for the planner to drag out ten to fifteen of his buddies who also want an excuse to get smashed and see nearly-naked hoohas and not get in trouble with their significant others.

I wish I could be cool about it. I wish I could be one of those non-prudes who tell their honeys to have fun, but just don’t bring home anything. But I can’t… I don’t love the idea – but then again, what girl would?

Nearly-naked-hoohas… yucky…

I don’t get it. At. All. Boo. Boys are icky.

Friday, March 11

day 10326: you should be worried when you boss calls you into his office at 5:30 and asks you to shut the door

Let’s see… all the things that have happened in the past week that I wanted to blog about, but couldn’t because I’ve been locked up in the boardroom from Monday morning until 12:30 this afternoon…

~ monkeyco is really, really, really cool…
~ I love www.torontobartending.com... love it, love it, LOVE IT!!
~ I can’t climb for schmuck anymore
~ imported chocolate cupcakes (THE BEST IN THE WORLD, btw) totally rock…
~ Sista who sends imported chocolate cupcakes (and new clothes) totally rocks
~ Crazy-cousin-Bo who imported said cupcake and almost got cavity searched at the airport totally rocks
~ PDA totally rocks
~ I love my monkeyco… it’s going to be a totally “euphoric” summer… you just wait and see!
~ oh, and did I mention, they changed my contract so that NOW I’M FULL TIME!!!

Did I say I love my monkeyco, yet? Y'all should be totally jealous of me... ;)

Thursday, March 10

day 10325: reason #14937 why i love my monkeyco…

Because yesterday they sent me here, so I could learn how to make candy apple martinis, purple hazes and 19 other martinis.

Bubble, two, three, four... the perfect oz.

Candy Apple Martini:
1.5 oz Polar Ice Vodka
1 oz Sour Puss Apple
1 oz Phillips Butter Apple
4 oz cranberry juice

Monday, March 7

day 10322: violated (almost)

We went because someone told us that we had a 1-in-16 chance of winning a two year lease on a Mercedes. They actually wanted to sell us timeshare. There was no hope in hell of winning a two year lease on a Mercedes. It wasn’t 1-in-16… it was more like 1 in a drawerful of keys.

“That guy just told them that they’re in extreme financial difficulty!” my mom whispered. “Maybe we should just tell them the same thing.”

“Why don’t we just tell them that we don’t fly?”

“Because they have places in Collingwood… you don’t have to fly to go to Collingwood.”

“Yeah, but you don’t drive on the highway. So you don’t drive on the highway, and I’m afraid to fly, so we can’t go anywhere…” That was the plan.

They called us into the room, told us to pick our prizes (2 nights stay in Tremblant, and a dinner for two… oh-yeah-baby) and sent us on our merry way. No sales pitch, nothing. Just thanks for coming, have a nice day, etcetera, etcetera.

Wow. We weren’t violated. They didn’t try to high-pressure-sales-tactic us into buying timeshares! Whooo hooo! We beat the system!

And all because we’re single… bonus.

Friday, March 4

day 10319: girlie troubles

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. I have a million thoughts tumbling around riotously inside my mind. My “what-ifs” are conflicting with my “who-cares” as are thoughts of Tricuit-the-idiot-WINGNUT, bizarre-love-triangles, used-to-be-friends, and wanna-be-used-to-be-friends.

It doesn’t help that I’m pms-ing beyond belief either.

If you’re drinking this weekend, have a drink for me… god knows I’ll need it.

Wednesday, March 2

day 10317: brown paper baggin’ it

For much of my childhood, I hated carrying anything in plastic bags. Kids that carried their school papers in plastic bags annoyed me to no end. I thought them uncouth, and well, icky, and could never bring myself to socialize with them. Packed lunches could never be carried to school in a plastic bag; otherwise it was yucky and food could not be eaten without a vast amount of grimacing and nose-holding. The only exception to the rule was groceries. Groceries, as we all know, come in plastic bags, not dumb-ass-hard-to-carry paper bags like in the States.

Of course, there was the hierarchy of plastic bag carrying. Anything foreign was a direct no-no. Thus, Big Land Farms, Lee’s Poultry Supermarket, etc etc. were the ultimate faux pas in my mind and the mere thought of having to touch them would almost make me puke. No Frills, A&P, and Miracle Mart were barely acceptable, with Loblaws and Dominion being the preferred bag-o’-choice.

I was a baggie-snob; a memory I had suppressed over years of self-denial.

I’d forgotten until this morning. I reached into the baggie drawer and pulled out a T&T Supermarket… ew… can’t have that touching my boots… must find a new bag…


On tap for tonight… chicken stew:

Take onions, carrots and potatoes… boil the heck out of them in chicken broth, and then add some chicken breast marinated in soy sauce and sesame oil. Salt and pepper to taste. Comfort food totally rocks.

Tuesday, March 1

day 10316: why all this talk about babies?

A couple of weekends ago, Triscuit and I took my coworker’s two year old to the climbing gym. Cute and shy, she was no more interested in climbing than she was in running around and playing in the caves. Her “daddeee” tried, in vain, but a combination of lack of sleep and a little too much arm effort rendered his climbing experience very, very limited as well. Nevertheless, it was tons of fun – coworker, daddeee and I getting little Jaya to attempt to climb and Triscuit snapping pictures of them like a madman.

They got tired soon and said their goodbyes; dissection of the day and comments of Triscuit not to be relayed until I returned to the office almost a week later.

“Daddeee asked me if you were pregnant,” Coworker said. “I told him NO and he goes, THAT GIRL WAS GLOWING. If she’s not pregnant, then she’s in LOOOOVE with that boy…” No. I refuse to admit anything of that sort.

I told Triscuit the story. He laughed and agreed. “You WERE glowing.”

“Green? I AM RADIOACTIVE WOMAN!”

“No, white. You were covered in chalk as usual. It’s cute...”

Then, Sunday night, after a long, hard day of walking around aimlessly in the mall, we sprawled across his couch to dissect our purchases of Dr. Seuss books. He… The Cat in the Hat and me, well I’m a sucker for Green Eggs and Ham. Roommate walked in, raised an eyebrow and quipped…

“You two have something you want to tell me?”

"Yeah, enough about the baby talk. We're just trying to read things that appeal to our child-like intellect and undeveloped, undermatured sense of humour."

Monday, February 28

day 10315: Spiderman

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! There's a spider in the shower! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!!!" The shower is still running. Water drips onto the floor. "Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"

"It's only a spider." He looks a little too nonchalant.

"WHAT?! You knew it was there and you didn't TELL ME?!"

"Yep, saw it earlier when I was in the shower."

"And you didn't kill it?"

"He just wanted to take a steam bath!"

Friday, February 25

day 10312: can of worms

Once upon a time, a friend came up to me and said, “I hardly ever talk to you anymore. Why don’t you ever call me?”

“I try,” I replied, “But, time difference. Anyway, you never call me either.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “Well, call me sometime.”

“You call me, too.”

She never called. I never called. I sent emails for a while, but rarely got one back. I visited, she visited. Times were fun when we were together just hanging with a group. But it wasn’t the same. Things were different.

We had become strangers…once-upon-a-time friends who shared a history, common friends and that’s about it.

I’ve been thinking about writing this for a while. Type, delete, type, delete… it wasn’t something I necessarily wanted out in the public airwaves. I tortured myself with the what-if-she-sees-this-what-if-it’s-just-me-etcetera-etcetera, just like I did when I was agonizing over whether or not I could write off a long term friendship.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t just me, and that even if she sees this, it’s probably for the better. Open a can of worms and maybe you’ll catch a fish.

People change. Life’s circumstances and our day-to-day actions make us into who we are. Things happen between people that they don’t necessarily agree upon. Expectations are set and occasionally people are disappointed.

I’m not mad, upset or angry. I’m just disappointed at the bad-timing, self-justification, and the night ending with her conclusion that just because she had her say, everything was fine and peachy. Everything was not fine and peachy – it’s still stuck in my mind.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve wasted enough time grouching about it, and have spent too many minutes being disappointed in her. I no longer care.

Once upon a time, she said, “I’m glad you said that, because I’m worried that we won’t all be friends down the road.”

“We’ll always be friends,” I replied. I was innocent and naive buoyed by holiday spirit.

I never thought I’d see the day where she’d say “If you can think that I’d do something like that, then you don’t know me at all.”

To which my initial thought was… you’re right, girl...I don’t know you at all. Not anymore. Actions speak louder than words. You've done it before, you can do it again.

But it's true, actions speak louder than words. So I will make one last ditch effort to resuscitate a once-upon-a-time-friendship. I will be the bigger person, send out that one last email and ask her for coffee or tea so we can try to talk things out and maybe restore what once was.

One last ditch effort. I can do that. I think.

Wednesday, February 23

day 10310: non-ex-pat

"Business or pleasure?" Business...
"Where did you go?" Connecticut...
"Who do you work for and what do you do?" Monkeyco... finance...
"What alcohol are you bringing back?" Sapphire...
"That's not one of your brands, is it?" *whisper* No...
"Figures. You paid too much for it too. NEXT!"

Monday, February 21

day 10308: who knew????????????

Who knew nine months ago that my monkeyco would be my downfall. Maybe I should have expected it when my boss told me that I wasn't allowed to quit drinking.

I have yet to return "home" to my hotel room unscathed from a night out with co-leagues from my monkeyco (and monkeyco senior). It's only Monday night, and already, I am blushing a rather becomingly-drunken pink (complete with blood shot eyes). I've tettered on my three inch heels, and you can consider all the chocolate chip cookies officially stolen from the front desk.

In Connecticut less than 24 hours and already "what happens on the road stays on the road..." has become a favourite saying. But just to tease you...

"Are you going to fry my pie?"
"I've got to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... someone open a window!!"
"Is the seat warm?"
"I'll strangle you gently..."
"Yo, this must be one HELL of a drinking town."
"Let's go visit MARTHA!!!!!!!!!!!"
"You can chimmy anything? What about my Guinness?"

Sunday, February 20

day 10307: ex-pat

Going through US immigration...
US immigration-dude: This is a picture of you?
J: Yes
USID: What the heck happened?
J: I lost a bit of weight
USID: Damn, girl, you look good... how did you do it?
J: Starved...
USID: Must of... you look real good...

Friday, February 18

day 10305: the trouble with me

The trouble with me is that I like instant gratification. I’m not the wait-and-see kind of girl. When I want something, it usually means that I want it now. I don’t like to wait. I don’t have the patience to wait.

Take emails for example. I ask a question, I need an answer. Send me an answer within a thirty second time frame and I’ll be perfectly happy. Anything more than that, and I’m not so happy…

Or boys… if you’re interested, suck up your ego and don’t wait the two days to call. I lose interest really quickly… I think that’s what went wrong with Serious Boy… that and we have absolutely nothing in common…

Or medicine… take two and call me in the morning… well, if my pills don’t work after an hour, can I take a couple more? This one usually backfires on me. Four extra strength Advils, four tylenol cold tablets... I think I'm rather doped up. Flying high as a kite. Still feeling really rather crappy, but hey, at least I can breath…

That’s all I’m saying…

Thursday, February 17

day 10304: if there could be anything worse than your mom walking in on you when you and the boy are *hmmm*, it could be accidentally calling her in the middle of the night when you and the boy are *hmmm*…

Need I say any more? ... oops...

Monday, February 14

day 10301: there were no black olives on the pizza…

It’s V-Day…

I suppose that as a member of the fairer sex, it is my duty to sigh, bat my eyelashes and expect an armful of red roses to be delivered to my door by a knight in shining armour. Gifts of chocolate, lingerie, expensive day trips to the spa, a romantic candlelight dinner in a five star restaurant overlooking the water… *sigh*…

Alas, it’s not to be. Not for me. Not this year.

We are spending V-day apart. Just like last year.

The boy is wallowing in the quagmire of solitude (a.k.a. he’s self-exiled to the 6’x4’x5’ hole under his kitchen floor, running miles of electrical wire and attempting to home-repair his hot water heater), while I am making the drive ALL THE WAY OUT TO SUBURBIA to drop off darling-princess-poop-a-lot at my mother’s house because I’m flying out early tomorrow morning.

There are no flowers, no candies, and no undying vows of love and admiration BECAUSE I PROCRASTINATED TOO LONG and couldn’t decide what to get him. I still can’t decide. I STILL HAVEN’T BOUGHT ANYTHING!!! (I NEED IDEAS!!!)

(I’m still expecting flowers, btw… from last week’s not-so-subtle questions about my favourite flowers…)

Uh-oh spaghetti-o… Yikes…

I tried to make amends. I ordered him a pizza for lunch so he wouldn’t have to dodge the HOLE between exclamations of “Fcuk!” and “Terry… can you turn the water OFF!” It being V-Day and all, I thought I’d get some laughs by having them arrange the toppings in the shape of a heart.

But Bitter-Customer-Service-Chick cut me down for being corny. And when I called back to try to get the number for the individual store, I was told that my pizza was already in the oven.

“Do it with black olives, then.”

“I’ll call the store and see if they will.” I crossed my fingers and hoped. She sounded a lot friendlier than Bitter-Customer-Service-Chick #1.

Yeah right.

She put me on hold and then hung up on me instead.

End of story… there was no black olives on the pizza.

But he still thinks I’m “wonderful.”

Happy-hallmark-holiday-Valentine’s-Day. Hope you have a good one. Even if you’re going to be like me – sitting in front of the tv.

Friday, February 11

day 10298 1/2: yawwwwwwnnnnnn...

I think I sleepwalk. Can you sleepwalk if you're only half asleep?

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with the overwhelming urge to shower. I have no idea what I was dreaming of... mud wrestling, perhaps?

Anyway, next thing I know, I'm in the shower soap in hand wondering... how the heck did I get here...

Like I said... I think I sleepwalk...
day 10298: get with the times

So Charles and Camilla are getting married. And the world has gone into a righteous uproar whipped up by a media bored with disaster and war.

Should they? Should they not? What kind of title is she getting…princess…duchess…?

Who really cares.

Good for them that they finally have the guts to stand up and marry for love. Everyone deserves to be with someone they love. Circumstances of birth aside, they’re just people – ordinary people who are entitled to leading their own lives and making their own choices.

When it comes down to the nitty-gritty, being “royal” is just like being born into a job.

Agreed, there are certain responsibilities, images etc that they have to maintain, and a lifestyle they have to commit to. But, at the end of the day, when the lights turn off and they go to bed, they just want to reach out for someone they love to cuddle up with.

They dream just like everyone else does.

So get off their backs. It’s no big deal. What they may have or may not have done when Di was still alive is moot. Forgive and forget and let them move on.

Go bug someone else for a change... save the whales, preserve the rainforest... and whatever else we haven't heard about for a while...

Thursday, February 10

day 10297: “yesterday was plain awful…”

Ten years ago, yesterday, my father dropped dead in front of me. We were at a fencing class that I made him go to despite the fact that he had just gotten back from a business trip earlier that evening. He was tired and stressed and clearly didn’t want to go. But I did, and that was enough for him.

He had just fought a match. Win or lose, I can’t remember. He shook his opponent’s hand, turned to walk away and collapsed, epee falling to the ground. I can still hear the sounds… the clatter and the thud. And then the silence before anyone could react.

Someone went to call 911. Someone else came and started administering CPR. I didn’t know what else to do, and ran to find an old law teacher who used to be in the army. In my panicking mind, he was the solution and the salvation. I abandoned my father to complete strangers who I thought didn’t have a clue about what they were doing, and tried to find help. Little did I know that one of them was actually a medical resident. Poor guy, he must be scarred still.

Three flights of stairs up, I burst into a room not remembering that it was Thursday night, and that law was taught on Wednesday. Blank stares all around… it was a Mandarin class, and no, she did not know where Mr. Halloran was and went back to talking about the characters she had written on the blackboard. The characters spelled out barbeque pork.

I ran down the hallway, anxiously looking into the classroom windows, trying in vain to find him. He wasn’t there… not on the third floor… there was no way I could comb the school looking for him. There was no time. I had to get back. I needed to find help.

And then I ran into Andrew who kept asking me where his girlfriend was and didn’t hear my whispers for help through my unsteady breathes. I don’t remember what I said to him afterwards, but I think I told him to fcuk off. I hope I told him to fcuk off.

When I got back to the gym, I could hear the sirens. Fire trucks, the first to arrive… I kicked away the dropped epees and face masks. I didn’t care if they broke. I just wanted them out of the way. I dropped to the ground beside him, rocking and whispering “I’m sorry.” His eyelashes fluttered once, maybe twice and that was it.

The firemen came. The police came. One of them played with the dial on the oxygen tank despite admonishments from the firemen. Some of them chatted about budget cuts and why they didn’t have defibrillators on the firetrucks.

I wanted to yell at them for being so callous. My FATHER was DYING on the floor and THEY WERE TALKING POLITICS. But I didn’t and kept rocking and kept apologizing for dragging him there.

A teacher came and led me out of the room to the school office to call my mother. I was brutal when I told her. Not knowing what to say... had I thought of it beforehand, I could have softened the blow instead of saying that something had happened and everyone was there and that we were all going to go to NYGH. There must have been something else that I could have said.

But I didn’t think. I couldn’t think… I should have thought.

The drive to the hospital was a blur. They put me in the back of a police cruiser. I wanted to ride in the ambulance. I remember thinking that they were idiots and why didn’t they drive any faster, and that there was surprisingly little leg room in the back. I guess criminals don’t need to be comfortable.

We drove by the house. My uncle was just pulling into the drive way to pick up my mom and my sister to take them to the hospital. Ever practical, and not really knowing the situation, my mom got my sister to bring her homework with her. Just in case.

I remember the waiting room – the private room they reserved for the “really special cases” - the ugly grey chairs, the nurse in the pink uniform who tried to hold my mother’s hand. I remember slamming my fist into the wall, angry and frustrated that we weren’t hearing anything and that I couldn’t do anything to make things better. It was the first time I lashed out in anger, but not the last.

Later that night, my uncle drove me back to the school to pick up the car. The streets were muffled by the freshly fallen snow. Everything seemed so still, as if the world knew that my heart was broken, and it grieved along with me… tears that no longer could be shed, a mind trying to grasp at whatever memories remained.

For years afterwards, I believed that I killed him. I believed that it was my fault that he died, and if I had not forced him to go to class with me, he would have lived until he was 82. I harbored it deep inside, believing that I had killed my father, and for that reason, rationalized that my life wasn’t important and that I deserved to die early too. I didn’t care what happened to me. I didn’t care about anything. I just went with the flow, let things carry me along and did the minimum I needed to do in order not to excessively worry my family.

I didn’t want to die. But I didn’t want to live either. I had been daddy’s little girl for a very long time, but things changed, and I grew up. I was forced to grow up. It was my responsibility to be strong which is why I’ve never told anyone what happened that night; bits and pieces, but never in its entirety.

I spent part of last night sitting in the parking lot where the old school building had been. The gym is gone now, smoothed over and paved, while the new school stands not too far away. Dark, silent… just watching as I sat there thinking about the past ten years… going over in my head the “what if’s” and the “whys.”

There were no answers, no easing of the pain that I feel whenever I let myself think about that night. There was only silence just like that night ten years ago. The world hushed by sadness, blanketed by the falling snow that covered the bouquet of flowers I left behind.

Wednesday, February 9

day 10296: hypothetically… “what about jet li or maybe a porno…?”

“Baby, I have an idea… and it’s entirely up to you. But how do you feel about having dinner with my mom tonight?”

Scary. Scary. Um. Yeah. I’m ok with that. Phew.

You can’t blame me for trying. I was feeling guilty for not wanting to make the trek into suburbia for New Year’s Eve dinner. I only wanted to go to Chinatown, wander around buying candies and flowers and absorb my one dose of Chinese culture for the year. But then someone said that Chinatown was severely lacking in New Year’s decorations this year, and that the only place worth going was Pacific Mall…

Pacific Mall it was to be. Except that it’s even further into suburbia than the maternal one’s house and so I compromised to appease my guilt. Snacks and time with my mother, and then later in the night he’d pick me up when he got off work and we’d go to the mall.

(I think they’re warming up to each other…)

She made him a New Year’s package to put beside his bed – lucky red envelope, candies and special tangerines with the stems and leaves still attached. He gave her a hug and a “Hope you feel better!” and off we went, care packages in hand…

“I can’t believe we got the first spot!!! Right by the door!” he is positively crowing with excitement, “I MUST tell someone… maybe Candy… she’d think it’s cool…”

We wander the mall, walking from one closed store to the next… peering into windows and laughing at the yellow happy-face condom lamp in the “18 and over, ID will be checked” store.

“Damn, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to buy bras without my mother…” I NEED A TRANSLATOR. I finger a lacy one, and shake my head at the saleswoman when she tries to hand me a beige plastic-cup-looking one. I was thinking more along the lines of something red, silky and “hmmm… yummy…” reactionary.

“How do you usually buy them then?”

“I stay in the dressing room and try on whatever they throw at me.”

“I could critique them for you…” He smiles, pretends to leer at me and off we go in search of snacks, candies and the world’s worse bubble tea (note to self… never go to Bubble Tease at the top of the escalators EVER AGAIN!).

“I don’t like any of the flowers…” I’m disappointed by the lack of decorations, things to see and things to buy. Somehow I remember it being a lot more festive, glorious and happy. It looks like no one wanted to go through the hassle of trying this year. I had wanted it to be perfect and cool, something wonderful to share with he-who-is-openly-uncomfortable-because-he-is-a-token-white-guy-in-a-completely-oriental-mall.

“What is your favourite flower?” he asks. Pink roses… I can see where this is heading. I think I know what he’s planning… mmmm…

We wander around upstairs. We wander around downstairs; into the $5 dvd stores browsing selections of *hush* non-legit dvds. It’s hard to resist. It costs less than renting.

“I don’t know where to look.” I snicker. “In the other store, Debbie Does Da World is on the top shelf… in this store, it’s Co-Ed Consorts on the bottom. I drop a dime, bend down to pick it up and look up to see nothing but tits and teeth and ass…”

He hands me three dvds… we need one more for the 4 for $20 “bargain deal.” He scans the shelf, “What about Jet Li?” Turns to me and grins… “Or maybe a porno…”

I laugh, toss him Beauty and the Breast* and move on to the next aisle…

Kung hei fat choy… wishing you happiness and prosperity in the year of the Rooster… and all that jazz…

[*ed note: Beauty and the Breast was not a typo. Not was it porn. More like some idiotic Chinese-director thinking he’s oh-so-funny with his awesome, hilarious play on words… just because his movie is about breast-enlargement cream.]

Tuesday, February 8

day 10295: show me some luvin’

Princess-poop-a-lot craves… no… DEMANDS attention. She paws at you when she wants to be picked up. She rolls over onto her back when she wants her tummy rubbed… she’ll even jump onto your lap when you sit down for a pee.

She knows the perfect way of achieving maximum response with minimum effort. She lies in wait, oh so patiently, for the moment that your eyes flutter open… then all hell breaks loose and she’s at it again… nudging her head into your hand and licking at your fingertips if you don’t react quickly enough to give her the morning pat.

And when you try to ignore her, because you’re “occupied elsewhere,” she runs to the garbage can, tips it over with a loud clatter and starts pawing and nosing nosily at the contents. You can’t help but stop doing what you’re doing to look over… and then all hell breaks loose again.

Monday, February 7

day 10294: yikes

[Note to self… if you think of something really good to blog about, make sure you do it right away. If you get sidetracked thinking about “something else” you will forget what the heck you were going to say. And any subsequent thing you write will be absolute crap.]

And now back to our regular scheduled program…

realization...

If you spend the whole weekend eating, you'll have no time left to nap it off. This will lead to extreme fullness and general grumpiness from lack nap-sleep.

Friday, February 4

day 10291: snippets

…on discussion of good v-day restaurants…

Bossman: Moral of the story is… if you’re ever having an affair, you should go to that restaurant.
J: Thanks, but I’m not into that kind of thing.
B: You never know.

… IdiotChick on the climb next to me while I try to lead a 5.10b (35’ off the ground)…

IC: Looks hard.
[no-duh]
IC: And I’m stupid (tries to show me her long, perfectly manicured fingers)
J: Yup, you are…

…maternal one trying to schedule last minute “family” activities…

M: You can’t do it on Wednesday. It’s New Years…
J: But I scheduled it in for Wednesday. You can’t just spring something on me last minute… I’m fully booked.
M: So how long in advance do I have to give you notice?
J: (looking at calendar) Three weeks.

…in the locker room at the gym …

J: (pinching newly-noticed stomach jello-roll)Do you think I look any chubbier?
T: Is that an “Am I fat question?” How can you possibly expect me to answer that?
J: Honestly.
T: Yeah right. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.
J: No really… I promise I won’t hit you.
T: Then no. Not that I’ve noticed.
J: Good, cuz I’ve been constantly hungry for the past couple of weeks and I’ve been stuffing my face.
T: ARE YOU PREGNANT? Have you noticed any other changes in your body?
J: (SLAP) NO! But I think my boobs are getting smaller.
T: Yeah, I’ve noticed that too.
J: (SLAP)

…to a co-worker…

J: Sooo hungry all the time. Been constantly hungry for the past couple of weeks.
S: ARE YOU PREGNANT?”
J: Hell no! Why does everyone keep saying that?
S: Just to bug you.

…in the locker room at the gym, part II…

J: Why are you looking at me that way?
T: No reason… (starts laughing)
J: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING AT ME?
T: (snicker) Because it kills you not knowing.
J: (SLAP)

…KC calling from San Fran…

J: I was going to call you Sunday to say Happy Birthday.
KC: It’s not my birthday.
J: Damn, I already messed up on Paul’s B-day this week. Not another one.
KC: Haha… you’re losing it.
J: Yeah, I’m forgetting things… must be age. So when is your birthday?
KC: Sunday.

Wednesday, February 2

day 10289: oh to be witty

If only I could be witty, or funny, or even spectacularly brilliant, I could dazzle you with words and let everyone think that I am a literary superhero with tons of lovely things to say and actual interesting thoughts to read. Scores of random strangers would shower me with love and praise every day and tell me how envious they are about my wonderfully exciting life and how cute my dear little puppy dog is and how much they just want to cover her up in bbq sauce and gobble her up.

I could be interviewed by The North York Mirror or The Bayview Post (because every semi-decent newspaper seems to be doing an article on blogs), and they’d do a perfectly inspired article on me, my life and the secret identity behind this site, which would not remain secret for very long, I supposed. I could even have my own column and be the Asian-Canadian version of Carrie from Sex in the City. Oh joy of joys.

Of course, it would embarrass my mother to no end. We couldn’t have that. But it could lead to some literary agent (or editor or similar person with equally good connections) calling me out of the blue and demanding to see the first three chapters for a book I have yet to even begin thinking of writing… and definitely do not have time to even start thinking of. And the money would roll in.

If only.

Then I’d be filled with a sense of wonder and purpose and oh-my-god-I’m-so-popular-amongst-strangers thoughts. My life would be perfect and rosy and so-oh-my-god-I’ve-found-my calling. My site meter would soar to infinite numbers and I’d have my fifteen minutes of fame.

Except that I’ve already had my life-time-allotted-fifteen minutes of fame. You see, I was a child television star.

[gasp]

At the tender age of six or maybe it was seven or maybe even five, I made my first appearance on NATIONAL TELEVISION.

[insert wild studio audience cheering and clapping]

Yes, I was on… are you ready for this…? I was on Just Like Mom. The game show that every kid wanted to be on just because you got to spin the wheel and try to win the trip to DISNEYLAND. Because DISNEYLAND is the happiest place on earth and only the very lucky of lucky children get to go to DISNEYLAND.

Joy of joys.

They bundled me up in my television-best… purple sweatshirt and a matching purple skirt (with white hearts… ooooh), safety pinned a white pompom to my chest (oh, so cute), curling-ironed my hair to try to get my cowlick to stay down and sent me (and my mom… get it… Just Like Mom) trotting off to the studio.

Think of it like the Newlywed Game , only you’re laughing at children instead of blonde-sex-hazed bimbos. Oh, and there's a bake-off.

I was sleepy, I was tired. I was confused like a penguin in Florida. I didn’t answer a single question correctly, didn’t know the meaning of the word “pasta,” baked an amazingly mayonnaise-filled chocolate chip cookie (I love mayo, so everyone else must love mayo in their cookies) and ended up losing to a girl named Allison. Allison, who looked like she was from California and was a good couple of years older than me. WHO DIDN'T EVEN SPIN THE WHEEL PROPERLY SO SHE DIDN'T WIN THE TRIP TO DISNEYLAND!!!

[gasp... horror...horror]

I would have won. Instead, all I got was a bunch of soap, a watch and t-shirt that said “I was on JUST LIKE MOM” which I wore when I went to DISNEYLAND later that year anyway. Which reminds me... I think I was five.

So what was the point of all this? Oh yeah… if only I was witty.
Overheard at Shoppers...

I need to buy a crapload of condoms, cuz I've been having tons of sex recently!!

Thanks for sharing... you must be what? thirteen?

Tuesday, February 1

day 10288: what to say to make the hurt go away?

It was a whole day of self-inflicted mental torment. It was something I didn’t want to do, but knew it had to be done. Last night, I told Serious Boy that he and I could never be, and that dinner and a movie was probably not a good idea.

I rehearsed the conversation in my head over and over. I discussed it with BMW. I tried rehearsing it with Bo, but ended up hamming it up and making jokes about eloping with my highest-bidder over the weekend and how my newly-wedded-bliss would not approve of me going on a date with another man. She said it would be a learning experience and so long as the conversation didn’t turn into coffee and coffee didn’t turn into lunch, then I’d be fine.

Just go with the flow and tell him the truth, she said. I tried. I really tried, but ended up mucking things up and making sad little excuses about how I wasn’t comfortable in the situation and how he was JB’s friend and how it was wierding me out a bit.

I probably should have told him about my weekend instead, and how I spent in on the beach with my highest-bidder… maybe he’d make some sort of conclusion and save me the agony and guilt.

He said he didn’t really understand. And quite honestly, I couldn’t even begin to explain it to him. I don’t really understand either. I babbled and blurted so many random things that I really couldn’t keep track of what garbage came out of my mouth. I should have just been honest with him from the beginning… I am flattered, and while I like you as a friend, I don’t think our relationship will ever progress beyond “just friends.”

At the end of it all, we agreed to be somewhat friends and if I should ever change my mind, then to let him know. He made it clear that he wasn’t hung up about his ex-es and that he was just very open and forthcoming if the topic ever came up… except that he brought the topic up in the first place and he shouldn’t have known that it was a concern of mine to begin with if JB hadn’t told him that I asked about it…

Monday, January 31

day 10287: the grand gesture

It’s finally over. All the effort, stress and anticipation of the last few weeks culminated on Friday night in one big glorious bash. They came, drank and donated as they partook in the night’s entertainment… a kick ass dj, a very funny comedy act, and of course, the long-dreaded bachelor/bachelorette auctions.

Apart from a couple of hiccups midday (i.e. half the alcohol thought to be lost in transit), a few “issues” with the seating arrangements, and a dinner that was delayed by an hour, everything flowed as it should. I laughed, I flirted, I looked “absolutely, smashingly, amazing” in my stunning black dress (quote Triscuit’s mother). I went up on stage three times in front of 525 people - once to accept a plaque on behalf of my very generous monkeyco, once to be sold to the highest bidder, and once to auction off the “very white Barry White” to the highest bidder.

My hands were frozen, my face was flaming, my nerves were shot, but the adrenaline flowed. I flitted, floated, glided oh-so-gracefully as AK65 paraded me across the stage. Bidding commenced and before I really realized what was happening, it was down to Serious Boy and Triscuit. Increments of ten, then twenty and then fifty… and sold for $350 to Triscuit.

Triscuit who bought the cow when he could have the milk for free… who claims that it was a donation for a good cause when really we’ve had debates and arguments over the support of this cause over the other equally worthy causes in the world… who knew he was supposed to bid, but didn’t necessarily have to win… Triscuit.

The rest of the weekend was spent in relative relaxation – shopping at the St. Lawrence Market, staying up into the early hours of morning patching holes in the ice rink, cursing the kids, reading Playboy jokes to each other, and watching the coyotes run wild down the path.

Friday, January 28

day 10284: on the block

I feel my insides turning themselves inside out. I can’t think. I can’t work. My mouth is dry, my nerves are completely shot, and all my instincts are telling me to go home, crawl into bed and pray for it to be tomorrow instead of today.

In less than 12 hours, I’m going to be sold to the highest bidder.

What possessed me to agree to this? What on earth possessed me to champion it as a “great fundraising idea?” What the HECK was I thinking?

I don’t know…

I can’t remember…

All I can think of right now is standing on stage in front of 525 people, humbled and hoping that someone out there will bid for me and that the person I want to bid on me will fork out the $$ to win… a date with me…

My mother is going to be there. Triscuit’s mother and grandmother are going to be there. Serious Boy is going to be there. I’m terrified that someone will say something or someone will let something slip. So many people’s feelings involved. So many people to consider…

Somebody hold me… please… I think I’m about to breakdown…

Tuesday, January 25

day 10281: the secret to saving money...

Someone said to take baby steps and start saving by packing a lunch. So I started packing a lunch, but I never ate it. Twelve o'clock hits, my stomach starts to grumble and inevitably, the thing I'm craving is not what I packed. For a while, I ended up spending MORE money by packing a lunch - the costs of packing and the costs of buying something everyday anyway.

Recently, it dawned on me how I could make myself eat my packed lunch. I just need to pack things that I really like to eat... like cookies, ice cream or chocolate cake... mmmm...

Baby steps... it's all about the baby steps.

Monday, January 24

day 10280: I’m in love…

I fell in love today with the prettiest little thing - two of the prettiest little things, actually. I saw them, fell in love, and prayed to the gods above that they would fit. And they did.

The first is black with a halter that ties around the neck and cuts low in the back, with gold/silver beads, white trim and a hem that is cut diagonally… sleek, sexy, multi-occasion kind of thing… The second - turquoise with pink embroidered flowers, spaghetti straps, one line of ruffles on top, more ruffles on the diagonal bottom… cute, funky, something completely out of character for me… both are gorgeous and sexy and totally, utterly hot... even if I do say so myself. But then the lady in the store said the same thing, so it must be true.

I must get them. Even if they do cost almost a week’s salary.

Boys, you may all commence drooling – bidding will start at $50…

Sunday, January 23

day 10279: meeting the parents…

“Be nice,” I said to him. “Don’t be so nervous. She’s really not as bad as you think she is… you only hear my bitching and complaining stories. Besides, I’ve met your mom.”

“Be nice,” I told her. “We’re just friends. He’s been there when I needed him.”

They don’t like each other. Never have. One is scared to death of the other; the other is scared to death of what the other might do to me.

They’ve seen one another a few times before. No words were spoken, no pleasantries exchanged. He called it the stare of “what-they-heck-are-you-doing-in-my-daughter’s-house” and said that it was hard to get to know someone you knew didn’t like you. She called him “that-one-who-didn’t-even-have-the-decency-to-say-hi.”

He may of... and if he did, she never heard him.

Beer delivery, 32 cases of Sleeman… my car filled almost to the brim…

“Mom, this is Triscuit. Triscuit, this is my mom, my aunt and my uncle.”

Pleasantries were exchanged. Conversation was made. Neither felt particularly comfortable, but both survived relatively unscathed.

Hurdle 1 cleared.

Friday, January 21

day 10277: today makes up for all the helluva-crap that happened yesterday

Yesterday was a helluva crappy-ass day. Freak gym accident (no one I know personally), notwithstanding, it had to be one of the most stressful days of my life… bad things at work, left my purse in a cab, scared to death with paranoia that the ambulance was for Triscuit… etcetera, etcetera…

But today… ahhh today... is THAT much better. I’ve heard back from almost all my corporate sponsors (all good news, too, btw), ticket sales for An Evening for Humanity are soaring through the roof, and it’s Friday. Finally.

What more could a girl ask for… :)

Thursday, January 20

day 10276: if only i could print out the images in my mind

Sunrise. Pale pink light seeping through the distant clouds far off in the horizon… the sky is perfectly clear right above. Blue, tinged with streaks of yellow, the lake is calm and undisturbed; the light barely reflecting off the surface. The sun rises a fiery orange ball and reaches its pink tipped fingers towards us beckoning, teasing us to feel the warmth of its touch while our breathes puff in the cold morning air.

Later through the window, as the scenery moves quickly by, a flock of startled starlings fly en mass, framed in pink and yellow sky… the morning sunlight reflecting off their feathers.

Wednesday, January 19

day 10275: woo me with words

I love emails that make you go aw-shucks, blush and feel all warm and gooey inside. I got one of those last night.

It made me go aw-shucks, blush and feel all warm and gooey inside.

And then I dissected it with BMW to get the guy-perspective.

Tuesday, January 18

day 10274: i’ve got nothing on my mind…

It happened one Saturday afternoon. A phone call, then a not-so-innocent text message born out of tiredness, pent up frustration, and a lot of mischievousness, “If I was nothing, you could do me all day…”

“Doing nothing” took on a completely new meaning. It was something to look forward to, something to daydream about, something that would completely take our breaths away. It was our little secret - something that we could say in front of other people when they asked us what we did the evening before. Just like how married people call it “laundry.”

Except that sometimes doing nothing really means just doing nothing. Confusing isn’t it? Especially when you ask the boy what he’s doing tonight and he says “nothing…maybe laundry… oh, I meant real laundry…”

Monday, January 17

day 10273: of all the weird and wonderful things… but name dropping at mickey-d’s??

”thank you on behalf of bo…”

I was in Mcdonald's just now. A woman approached the counter – obviously a little out of it since she budded the entire line and just went up to order. First she wanted water and then she wanted milk, but didn't have enough to pay for the milk. So, instead, she asked for water again and tried to pay for it with a handful of change saying "Thank you on behalf of Bo..."

Strange, I thought, so I asked her how she knew "Bo" and she started rambling off another series of names that made no sense to me whatsoever. I bought her a drink, she lost interest and wandered off.

Bo has no idea who she might be - just that it is a very, very strange coincidence... but kind of a scary one too…

”so why didn’t you and jb ever get together…”

Coffee turned into dinner.

Friday night, my “nerves of steel” failed me, and a frantic phone call was placed to Bo one hour prior to the designated meeting time. Desperation. Panic. The works. Extreme butterflies in my stomach.

“It’s only coffee, not a proposal…” JB’s words rang in my head; not even close to being comforting. Terrifying, more like it.

“Pretend it’s like a job interview…” someone said. We all know how well I do at those.

“Will I recognize him?” I asked, “I haven’t seen him in more than a month.” I had my doubts. I’m not good with names and faces. Everyone looks familiar to me. Response to George’s email was “You look familiar… do I know you from somewhere? DBoat maybe?”

Dinner with Serious Boy (an apt moniker, for sure… he really is the strong, silent type) was fun. Conversation flowed. The food was good. He even passed the sashimi test with flying colours, eating things that even I wouldn’t eat.

But he talked about his exes. Three of them. And then he asked me why JB and I never got together. I hemmed, I hawed, I was jaw-dropping-shocked at the question and stammered out the typical… “But it’s JB.”

We talked about movies and Sideways, and how we both heard that it was fabulous, and did I want to see it next week at Cumberland. “I’m completely swamped,” I said, “What with the fundraiser and all.”

“When do I get to see you again?”

“I don’t know…”

So I invited him over to watch football yesterday with JB, BMW, D & Plboy. The Colts lost, JB’s wings rocked, the nachos were soggy, my puppy-maternal-instincts are back, and all-in-all it was a good time. On the way out, he turned back and handed me a chocolate bar… something we had talked about on Friday, but I’d completely forgotten up until then. 60% cocoa… dark chocolate… mmmm…

I’m still not sure and I think I’m making excuses, but at least I loved the chocolate.

”because you love chocolate…”

Triscuit can be surprisingly sweet at times…completely unexpected and out of the blue. It reminds me of why I fell for him in the first place, and makes it hard for me to forget the gulf of distance that should remain between us. After all, how many guys do you know who would break up a Crunchie bar and hand you all the chocolaty pieces because he thinks you like the chocolate part the best even though you really like the sponge toffee.

My fault for always eating it outside in, chocolate first… saving the best part for last…

Friday, January 14

day 10270 ½: when it rains, it pours…

Getting little butterflies in my tummy thinking about tonight’s coffee. Should be fun, I think.

On a stranger note… walking out of Terroni’s after lunch today, Bo and I bumped into someone I haven’t seen since the summer. In his words, “J! I thought I recognized those beautiful girls!”

It's funny. I once had an itty-bitty-teeny-weeny-little crush on him.

Got back to the office and promptly sent off an email to him asking if he’d be interested in being sold on the Evening for Humanity auction block. Who knows… maybe I’ll bid on him myself… if Serious Boy doesn’t work out.

Have a good weekend guys… it’s going to be a busy one!

day 10270: “don’t screw around tonight…it’s not good for your neck”

Am I allowed to rant and rave about the inefficiencies and ineffectiveness of the Canadian health system if I know nothing about the political background, cutback crap or overworked doctors and nurses?

I had not planned on spending last night in the hospital. I had planned on going to the climbing gym like every other Thursday night, putting in a good three and a half hours of grunting and sweating as I conquered the climbs that have consistently thwarted me, going home, having a nice little cuddle, and that’s about it.

I hadn’t planned on someone decking on the climb beside my climbing partner, hitting him in the head and then sitting in the hospital with him for three hours of worrying and hand-wringing only to be briefly examined by a suspect-competent doctor (patient before us had a cast put on too tightly by the same doctor) and sent on our merry little way.

No Xrays. No painkillers. Nothing but a “Why weren’t you wearing a helmet?” to which our response would be… “Because Dr. Doctor, if you were paying any attention whatsoever, a helmet would not have prevented the type of injury we’re here to have checked out. We’re talking neck compression injury here, not brain trauma. Two completely different things…no, there was no blood…no, you cannot practice your stitching on us.”

If only they understood how much it would have to hurt for Triscuit to even agree to go to the hospital and how much convincing it took (as well as a phone call to his mom) to get him there. If they understood that, they’d send him into the Xray room asap.

This morning, I dropped him off at the First Canadian Place clinic. A few text messages and a phone call later, I find out that he’s given up on getting an Xray because of bureaucratic red-tape which requires him to have a doctor’s requisition and not one from a chiro. Thick-headed silly boy that he is sometimes, he walked out of the clinic because they didn’t say that they would schedule him to see a doctor. And he didn’t push back.

So now, he’s taken off the brace, gone into work and said to-hell-with-it-all and if his neck fails, then he knows something was seriously wrong with it. Otherwise, his chiro doesn’t think it’s too bad (from listening to his description over the phone) so therefore, it’s perfectly fine.

One word… IDIOT.

Why do I worry about someone who refuses to worry about himself?

Thursday, January 13

day 10269: my eyes are open, i'm smiling, but there's nobody home

Happily befuddled state midway through the afternoon. It's been an interesting morning...

...ever see hoards of hungry seniors at a free lunch... and open bar... yeah... interesting...

:)

Wednesday, January 12

day 10268: days like these, i just wish i had a pair of crampons…

The more that’s going on in my life, the less I feel like talking about it. Strange, no?

These past few weeks have been filled with soap-opera-frenzy. Friends angry at friends, people backing out of commitments, stressed filled days, sleepless nights, indecisions, guilt trips, Triscuit, and a whole slew of “we’re-engaged-he-finally-proposed!” Ticket sales for An Evening for Humanity are slowly creeping up, corporate sponsorship is finally starting to come in line and everything is coming together quite nicely. Not exactly what we expected, but better than we had hoped given the situation. It should turn out to be a grand party for an even better cause. If you haven’t bought your ticket yet – go click on the link and buy today.

I must admit that I’m a little nervous about Friday night’s “coffee.” - a little excited, a little curious, a little of everything at the same time. I’ve never been for “coffee” before, so I’m a little apprehensive about the awkward moments after the so-what-do-you-do-for-a-living lines. Except that we’ve already covered that bit before, and small talk has never really been my forte.

No pressure, right?

Monday, January 10

day 10266: it’s only coffee… not like he’s proposing or anything

It just happened out of the blue. An email, completely unexpected, from the middle of nowhere…

So in lieu of the football party would you be interested in going out for some coffee, or maybe even dinner, with me sometime this week?

I’m rather surprised. To say the least, I’m flattered. I’ve only met Serious Boy once before - the time I cleaned him out in poker, the time he got slightly “bemused” on red wine and got a tad handsy under the coffee table. A hand on my knee here, a touch there… I guess I had an inkling of sorts. But I was gracious, thought it was the alcohol talking and that he was just a friendly sort of guy.

That was almost a month ago and I hadn’t really given it a thought since then; until yesterday when I received the email.

I'm just curious enough to say yes… sometime Friday night, maybe, after work and before hockey? Let me know what your schedule is like.

Friday, January 7

day 10263: off the top of my head

Apologies for not posting regularly this week. What with An Evening for Humanity and dealing with Q1 reporting I’ve barely had time to breathe, let alone think about weird and wonderful things to write about. Amuse me people… tell me a story…

Organizing an event of such sheer magnitude is a lot more difficult than we initially anticipated. We’ve dealt with personality clashes, egos, indecision, miscommunication, non-communication, tempers, tears, triumphs, etc. We’ve hit walls, yet soared through other hurdles. With one exception, things are progressing nicely. In about an hour, I’ll know if all is for naught and whether our fundraising event will be a success, or if we’ll be lucky to sell 100 tickets.

It's a good cause, my friends. I urge you to make your personal donations by January 11th. The Canadian government is matching all donations made until then. I'm off to pledge mine... pledge yours too...

Wednesday, January 5

day 10261: hate me. i deserve it.

No matter how I've changed in the past year, I do not like this person I've become. I've lost patience, tolerance and the ability to actually care for someone other than myself. I'm constantly on the defensive and snap back at even the slightest thing that sounds like a critcism.

In other words, I am a b-itch and everyone should hate me, but they don't.

Monday, January 3

day 10259: an apology of astronomical proportions

Once upon a time in a land not that far away, there was a wannabe girlie-girl with a temper as hot as the summer sand. She was a stubborn, proud, pigheaded, idiotic fool at times. She hated to be wrong, hated to be made a fool of, hated-beyond-hate to be criticized. Worse of all, she knew it, but couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

Little things would strike her off. The incomprehension of other people’s actions, the misgivings of intention; it mattered not. It would eat away at her until one day she would blow up in a geyser of hot fury and annoyance. Hell hath no fury like a wannabe girlie-girl scorned.

Worse of all, the manifestation of ill-temperedness was selective. Not colleagues, co-workers, cousins or friends. Only immediate family – people that she knew deserved more respect, appreciation, and kindness than everyone else that she encountered in life – was at the receiving end of the nastiness.

Alas, though our villain of this story tried, beyond tried to control her temper, it was not to be. She lost her temper once again, refused to eat crow, and let her dear sister fly off to la-la land without hearing the appropriate apologies of astronomical proportions.

Sure, there were miscommunications and misunderstandings. There were reasons our villain behaved as she did. But right or not, it was definitely wrong not to make amends and to go huffing off in stereotypical-teenage-attitude. Grow up already.

And so she extends the white flag in a move of ultimate apologetic surrender… and offers this as a consolatory compromise…

… perhaps next time we schedule ahead-of-time the get-together times…
… and we don’t tell each other how pissed we are at one another while sitting at the airport when it’s too late to do anything about it…